Those who follow my blog know that I view gifts differently than most Israelis. Israelis give elaborate gifts for all occasions, including Rosh Hashanah and Pesach. The papers even write up a summary of what the big companies give to their workers before the holidays, and there is an elaborate system for calculating the proper amount for a wedding check. I once overheard an Israeli describe Americans as stingy when it comes to gifts. We surely have a different cultural mindset.

Last week I was asked to give NIS 15 toward gifts for the gan staff in honor of Pesach (in addition to the standard end-of=year gift). I explained to the mother collecting that while the wonderful staff deserves a present every day of the year, I don’t want to start a precedent by adding extra presents to the parents’ annual financial obligations. I pointed out that surely the ganenet wouldn’t want to start buying extra gifts for her own children’s teachers.

When Israelis say that something is “mekubal,” it means that it’s accepted. It’s tradition and no one should mess with it. I’m usually the one arguing that just because something is mekubal doesn’t mean I have to go along with it. Even though I eventually gave in, I enjoyed my chance to tell that mother “zeh lo mekubal” to buy a Pesach present for the ganenet. The mother said we were doing it to show our appreciation of the ganenet, who was nominated for an award from the Ministry of Education. She didn’t get the award in the end. I expect that if she had gotten it, we would still have been expected to show our appreciation, through a gift of course.

Readers, I have shared with you my outlook on gan, family life, and my kugel recipe without asking anything in return. To all my regular commenters–thank you for the feedback! To those who read and don’t comment (especially you non-bloggers), please take this opportunity to check in.

I wish you a stress-free and restful erev Pesach, followed by a Seder (or two) at which you are active and alert, and that this entire holiday will be a joyful time for your family.

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I have written quite a few posts on the benefits of cosleeping and the negative effects of allowing babies to cry. James McKenna, PhD., probably the foremost researcher on the topic of mother-infant cosleeping, has written Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Co-Sleeping. In this interview from the publisher, Platypus Media, McKenna addresses the most common criticisms of cosleeping. Cosleeping is safe (if practiced correctly) and does not lead to emotional dependence. McKenna believes that the decision to cosleep or not lies with individual families, not the medical establishment. I was going to post only excerpts, but in the end I couldn’t leave anything out! I believe McKenna presents a powerful case and I am looking forward to reading the book, due out in May.

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Dov Bear complained that the “women in his life” spend too much time worrying about the Pesach menu. So he made his own suggestions:

First night: Steak, potatoes

First day: Fish, Israeli Salad

Second night: Steak, Israeli salad

Second day: Fish, potatoes

I thought it would be bad when I married into a family that doesn’t eat gebrokt (soaked matzah). Once I realized that non-gebrokt spared me from spending all my time in the kitchen cooking matzah balls, matzah stuffing, matzah rolls and all those other goodies I shut up pretty fast. After all, who needs more matzah, eggs, and oil? One type of meat or fish, potatoes, salad, and a cooked vegetable or two covers the menu quite nicely.

I still have a few quibbles about DB’s menu. Steak? First of all, halacha maintains that roasted lamb may not be eaten at the seder, and in our home we extend that to other meats. If it weren’t for that I would love an invitation to DB’s seder. We’re eight, and should we come I suggest he count ten steaks for us–we have two teenage boys. Double the potatoes too. There’s a reason that steak is not traditional Pesach fare. Our seder menu consists of soup and a pot-roast with potatoes, carrots, onions and whatever else I feel like. And a salad, although I admit that one year we forgot to serve it and no one noticed. We abandoned the fish course early on, but haven’t yet let go of the soup. I make enough strawberry “ice cream” to last the whole week (and my kids vie over who gets to stand next to the mixer making it; it’s not even my job), but unless we have a lot of guests we skip it at the seder. Sometimes we pass around chocolate.

I’ll put more effort into lunch, because people will be pretty hungry then. Fish or soup for the appetizer, chicken, potatoes, and a couple of salads (probably beet, avocado, Israeli, and cole slaw). And some sweet potatoes. I’d rather people fill up on vegetables than on meat and potatoes, and whatever’s left will get eaten later. Depending on the kids’ level of cooperation and my energy level, I can cut back if necessary. I pretty much do the same thing every year. No obsessing here. Oh, and have I mentioned that we only have one seder?

My goal all year round is meals that are tasty, nutritionally balanced, reasonably priced, and simple to cook and serve. And they should reflect the traditions of the holiday.

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A mother in Israel cautiously enters her daughter’s room, noting the clothes strewn all over the floor, the desk piled precariously high with books, papers and chatchkas, the overflowing closet, and the hi-riser with sheets half-on and bottom bed pulled out from when a friend slept over weeks ago.

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My aunt loved to tell the story of her first Pesach in Israel. Excited by the choices in the supermarket, she brought home a huge assortment of kosher for Passover products unknown in the US. Only when Pesach was over did she learn from a friend that all of those products contained kitniyot (legumes, which Ashkenazi Jews avoid on Pesach). Israel has a much larger kitniyot-eating population, especially when you consider that most Ashkenazim eat them, even if they keep Pesach. I know strictly observant Ashkenazim who think nothing of buying Bamba (made with corn and peanuts–of course my parents insisted that they ate peanuts on Pesach growing up in Europe because they don’t count as kitniyot) for their kids to eat on Pesach. I still don’t understand why people buy it at all. . .

The best way to avoid the kitniyot issue is to shop at a haredi supermarket. The prices tend to be low, kitniyot are carefully labelled and kept apart, and you can get everything you could possibly need in one stop including kitchenware, yom tov clothes, small appliances and even shoes. Produce is usually cheaper in the shuk, but not always. Last year the store I frequent sold a 10kg bag of potatoes for NIS 20, definitely a good price if you can use that much. My handy-dandy list says we ate 23kg last Pesach. You can buy hand shmura matzah there too, by the kilogram or in a box of three. At some point we decided that nostalgia did not justify the price of the hand shmura, so we’ve gone over to machine shmura for the seder.

Needless to say the haredi chains don’t carry everything. Many Ashkenazi rabbis allow cottonseed oil (and the OU certainly did when I lived in the US) but try finding it without a hechsher saying “le’ochlei kitniyot bilvad.” The rabbinical authorities rule strictly here about kitniyot, and while we have no problem with some of the kitniyot derivates, we still don’t feel comfortable serving food made with a product labelled “only for kitniyot eaters.” Every year my husband and I have a debate about whether or not to buy canola oil; I think our rabbi told us no last year. The only kinds of oil with a non-kitniyot hechsher are walnut and olive, both quite steeply priced.

In the US, the OU publishes a list of products considered kosher for Passover without a special stamp (Domino sugar comes to mind). No such list exists here. Wine is always labelled kosher for Passover, but you need to wait until Rosh Chodesh Nissan when the stores turn over their stock to get just about anything else. Even though sugar is kosher for Pesach if bought beforehand, I prefer to have the hashgacha.

One thing I love about Israel is that the country celebrates every holiday together. People avoid scheduling meetings the week before Passover and the city supposedly gets cleaned up. But shopping before Rosh Hashanah and Pesach is a nightmare. You find long lines in the stores till one or two in the morning. One memorable year I brought my 6mo and 2yo to the store for Pesach shopping. I had to wait on line for three hours while my kids terrorized the store. The 2yo was fascinated by the store’s freezer switch, set right at his level. Since then my husband takes off half a day and we go together. Last year I bravely took my four younger kids, but my little one lost it and we had to give up in the middle.

As I posted earlier, I like to shop about a week before the holiday. It starts to get crowded then but the shelves are well-stocked. We inevitably need to get something at another store. I’d really like to have a few friends fan out to different stores and make up a list of prices. We could figure out the cheapest store for each product, buy enough for everyone, then meet and exchange. I haven’t succeeded yet in pulling that off yet. Can you believe that some stores post a sign prohibiting writing down prices?

If you’re new here and you find preparation for Passover difficult, keep in mind that your reward will come when you can go to sleep on the second night of the holiday instead of taking out that seder plate once again.

Related post: Number one reason to make aliyah

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Here’s a report of what I did today.

Last night we went to a wedding, and the kitchen needed to be cleaned from last night’s dinner. I hung laundry (even though it’s Rosh Chodesh–I forgot, and my husband was out of underwear). I cleaned one shelf for Pesach, so I can keep tablecloths away from the chametz after they are washed. I took inventory of the freezer, and found the following soup ingredients: peeled and sliced onions, a cup of split peas, a cup of raw beans, and a half cup of bulgur. I also realized I better start using up the flour. I watched my friend’s daughter who is the same age as mine for the first part of the morning, and then showed a couple considering our area around the neighborhood. I spent all afternoon cooking and baking with the kids–we made soup and quiche for dinner, and cake and cookies for the next two Shabbatot. I wrote a Pesach shopping list. After dinner I took my daughter to the parent-student-teacher conference, and my husband and I paid a shiva call. Now I’m blogging. Tomorrow we are taking off from work and school (except for my two oldest) and are going on a family tiyul for the day. In the evening one of the kids has a doctor’s appointment.

Sephardi Lady asked me to post my cleaning and cooking schedule. I usually write one down, but I haven’t worked it out yet (you may have surmised that Shabbat Hagadol will be chametzdik). At this point I am just keeping my eye on the prize. I choose small tasks that eliminate impediments to the big jobs. For example, I like to shop about a week before the holiday, because the stores are well-stocked but not yet crazy. So the cabinets must be prepared, as well as the freezer. I want the major cooking done before I clean the stove and oven, so I do as much as I can in advance. I guess I do have a tentative schedule after all. This week (almost over!): preparing cabinets, assorted chores in other rooms, cleaning the freezer, finalizing the shopping list and menus. Sunday and Monday: more cabinets. Monday evening: shopping (this deserves a separate post, dedicated to olim). Friday: produce shopping. End of next week: refrigerator, gas range, and oven. Motzei Shabbat, turn over kitchen and kasher (very tentative as the clocks change Thursday evening). Sunday and Monday: cook. I really could cook in much less time because we are not having so many guests, and while I avoid cooking on Yom Tov there is less pressure than when the Seder is on Shabbat. I rarely bake. In a pinch I can finish on Yom Tov. I’ve left out many jobs like the car, bookcase, sofa, and more, but my kids will do most of those. They are ready to handle most of the big jobs that until now I have been reluctant to hand over. They had better look out!

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I think those rabbinical articles about how dirt isn’t chametz and how you can prepare your house for Pesach in just a few hours so you should really be spending the weeks before on outings with your children misunderstand the reality of most households. Because the difficulty of Pesach doesn’t lie in scrubbing the stove or cleaning the refrigerator (usually the two hardest jobs). What makes Pesach so crazy is that you are planning for the most important and elaborate meal of the year (even if your seder meal consists of  soup and meat/vegetables as mine does) while making your house kosher for Pesach. You can’t just do a regular grocery shopping; you need to fight crowds and shlep home enough to restock your entire kitchen. Everyone needs new clothes and shoes at the same time (I don’t buy new outfits and shoes for all of my children every yomtov, but this is the time that I take inventory). You have to plan where guests will sleep (no out-of-town guests yet), supervise the kids’ cleaning or do it yourself, and make sure you have enough Pesach pots (I’m convinced that mine shrink every year). If we’re lucky we have a chance to make plans for chol hamoed too.

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The Torah says, Midvar sheker tirhak (distance yourself from falsehood), and repeatedly extols truth and decries falsehood. Still, Judaism doesn’t expressly forbid lying and recognizes that occasional lying may have justification. I recently took part in a discussion where parents defended lying in order to help children deal with a difficult question or situation.

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I once had a neighbor whose children didn’t like to take medicine, so she forced it down. If they threw up, she gave it again “so they would learn.” It didn’t matter whether it was a life-saving medication or a painkiller. Apart from my oldest, who stopped screaming at the excitement of seeing a bottle of Acamol, my kids also hate taking medicine. So I don’t give it to them. When I take them to the doctor it’s usually to rule out something more serious, and we escape without prescriptions. Well, we get the prescriptions and I don’t fill them. I’d like to take credit for my kids’ overall good health (bli ayin hara), by breastfeeding and generally healthy living, but genetics remains the most likely explanation. I let my kids do all the things that supposedly make them sick, at least according to the Jewish mothers around here. At any rate among six kids antibiotics were required in one case of pneumonia, one or two cases of bronchitis, one newborn with viral meningitis that required intravenous antibiotics (and a 4-day hospital stay) until bacterial meningitis was ruled out, one or two cases of strep, a mysterious purple rash covering about 30% of a two-year-old’s skin, and one incorrectly diagnosed ear infection that disappeared before the first dose had time to take effect.The bronchitis and pneumonia also required “inhalatzia,” or a ventilator.

Other than that my kids’ illnesses generally consist mainly of fever (bli ayin hara). I keep an eye on them and only go to the doctor if it takes a turn for the worse. When my then 7yo daughter contracted a mild fever beginning on a Monday, she otherwise seemed well. On Friday at about 11:30 AM, while she lay down with her head on my lap, my inner voice said, “This child is sick.” (My outer voice was probably thinking about my Shabbat menu.) I called the doctor, who agreed to wait for us (most offices close at 12:00 on Fridays). He diagnosed pneumonia. He said that had I taken her in earlier, he would probably not have found anything. I still feel guilty despite avoiding an ER visit or worse.

All in all, I look forward to my kids’ minor illnesses. They tend to sleep off the fever while I enjoy a bit of vacation. I can usually cancel my plans for the day. If they complain a lot I offer Acamol (paracetamol; the equivalent of Tylenol), which they refuse. With any luck they stop complaining and go to sleep. My pediatrician friend agrees that Acamol isn’t necessary when fever is the only symptom. I hate forcing my kids to do anything and I have spent years honing my parenting skills to avoid it. With my kids and fevers no skills are necessary — lazy mothering carries the day.

Wishing a refuah shlemah (full recovery) to all who are sick.

My 3yo just told me that she’s wearing “cold” pajamas–you know, the opposite of warm ones. Unfortunately, lazy mothering didn’t get her to sleep before 11:00.

Inspired by Just Making It Up as I Go

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I might have given the whole costume problem more thought had my husband not been working 13-hour days for the last two months. Or more likely not. I have a bag of costumes and accessories, and usually the kids can come up with something from there.

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