Pesach Presents

Those who follow my blog know that I view gifts differently than most Israelis. Israelis give elaborate gifts for all occasions, including Rosh Hashanah and Pesach. The papers even write up a summary of what the big companies give to their workers before the holidays, and there is an elaborate system for calculating the proper amount for a wedding check. I once overheard an Israeli describe Americans as stingy when it comes to gifts. We surely have a different cultural mindset.

Last week I was asked to give NIS 15 toward gifts for the gan staff in honor of Pesach (in addition to the standard end-of=year gift). I explained to the mother collecting that while the wonderful staff deserves a present every day of the year, I don’t want to start a precedent by adding extra presents to the parents’ annual financial obligations. I pointed out that surely the ganenet wouldn’t want to start buying extra gifts for her own children’s teachers.

When Israelis say that something is “mekubal,” it means that it’s accepted. It’s tradition and no one should mess with it. I’m usually the one arguing that just because something is mekubal doesn’t mean I have to go along with it. Even though I eventually gave in, I enjoyed my chance to tell that mother “zeh lo mekubal” to buy a Pesach present for the ganenet. The mother said we were doing it to show our appreciation of the ganenet, who was nominated for an award from the Ministry of Education. She didn’t get the award in the end. I expect that if she had gotten it, we would still have been expected to show our appreciation, through a gift of course.

Readers, I have shared with you my outlook on gan, family life, and my kugel recipe without asking anything in return. To all my regular commenters–thank you for the feedback! To those who read and don’t comment (especially you non-bloggers), please take this opportunity to check in.

I wish you a stress-free and restful erev Pesach, followed by a Seder (or two) at which you are active and alert, and that this entire holiday will be a joyful time for your family.

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New Book on Babies and Sleep

I have written quite a few posts on the benefits of cosleeping and the negative effects of allowing babies to cry. James McKenna, PhD., probably the foremost researcher on the topic of mother-infant cosleeping, has written Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Co-Sleeping. In this interview from the publisher, Platypus Media, McKenna addresses the most common criticisms of cosleeping. Cosleeping is safe (if practiced correctly) and does not lead to emotional dependence. McKenna believes that the decision to cosleep or not lies with individual families, not the medical establishment. I was going to post only excerpts, but in the end I couldn’t leave anything out! I believe McKenna presents a powerful case and I am looking forward to reading the book, due out in May.

Why did you decide to write this book?

My wife and I came into parenting in 1978 reading all the books and being nervous parents, as is everyone. We were quite surprised to learn that there were no infant care recommendations in the baby advice books that were based on human biology-or even on cross-cultural insights-as to how babies’ best lived. They were based, strictly speaking, on 70- or 80-year old ideological positions that defined babies in terms of who we want them to become, rather than who they actually are-little creatures that are very much dependent physiologically, socially, psychologically on the presence of the caregiver. I decided to begin serious research on the practices that help both mothers and babies to thrive.

Does cosleeping benefit babies?

Benefits are, of course, always relevant to whom is cosleeping, what it means to them, and how they practice it. Cosleeping makes babies happy. From a scientific point of view, cosleeping babies cry less and sleep more. Babies lying next to their mothers can breastfeed easily without having to cry in order to make their needs known. Mothers get more sleep, too (though it is more light sleep). Here in the U.S., we are the most unsatisfied, unhappy and exhausted parents in the world because we place babies at odds with their biology.

Isn’t cosleeping dangerous?

Sleeping alone is not biologically correct. Human infants are born more neurologically immature than any other species (excluding marsupials). Our central nervous systems depend on a microenvironment that is like the in-utero environment, full of sensory stimulation. Babies need the warmth, stimulation and monitoring that comes with sleeping next to a caregiver. Almost all, fully 95%, of the world sleeps with their baby, and there are only very few cultures in the world for which babies sleeping alone is even thought to be acceptable nor desirable. In many Asian cultures where cosleeping is the norm, including China, Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is either unheard of or rare. In Hong Kong and Japan, which have almost universal cosleeping, SIDS rates are among the lowest in the world. The vast majority of scientific studies on infant behavior and development conducted in diverse fields during the last 100 years suggests that the question placed before us should not be “Is it safe to sleep with my baby?” but rather, “Is it safe not to do so?” My book includes information on how to bedshare safely and when it should be avoided, information parents need to make sound choices.

Why do parents always get told that they should never sleep with their babies?

Parents are receiving dangerous advice from medical authorities that mislead them into assuming that ALL pediatricians and all SIDS researchers recommend against bedsharing. This is just not true. The American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on SIDS claims bedsharing is always hazardous. This is flat out wrong! Done correctly, whether this means cosleeping, bedsharing or room sharing, infants sleeping with their parents are more likely to survive! The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission says never sleep with your baby; the only safe place for an infant to sleep is in a crib that meets current safety standards. It is sad that a small group of “experts” have the parents in western countries bamboozled into believing that the entire history of civilization was wrong, that parents and babies have been doing it all wrong since the dawn of humanity!

Should parents rely on doctors for infant sleep advice?

One of the most important things I am hoping to do is remind parents that while professional evaluation is important for sick children, issues of childcare, especially regarding where babies sleep and the relationship this reflects, are decisions best made by information-armed parents, not by external authorities who neither know the parents, nor the infant, nor how sleeping arrangements might work in any given family. At this point in time, medical authorities seem overly willing to use selected and simplistic medical findings to infer their own conclusions about where babies should sleep. Many employ, in my mind inappropriately, a one-size-must-fit-all strategy for sleeping arrangements. Indeed, cosleeping is being misrepresented-often by people who think they know something about it but choose to dismiss any scientific evidence that disagrees with their own negative position. Many of these authorities only know about catastrophic failures associated with dangerous forms of cosleeping and use these failures to draw simplistic conclusions about a very complex practice.

Won’t my child be emotionally dependent if we cosleep?

Absolutely not! Independence and autonomy have nothing to do with forcing babies to learn how to sleep by themselves. Parents are often under the mistaken impression that if they don’t train their babies to sleep alone every night, somehow some developmental or social skill later in life will be kept from them, or that their babies will never exhibit good sleep patterns later in life. Yet research has consistently shown us that children who routinely sleep with their parents or are not “sleep-trained&quopt; actually become more independent socially and psychologically, are able to be alone better by themselves, and have greater abilities to interrelate and be empathetic.

What are the consequences of not cosleeping?

When babies sleep alone, they spend less time sleeping or eating, and longer periods of time crying. This deprives babies of energy that can be put into growth and fighting disease. Worse, it deprives infants of a kind of special interactions and parental sensory stimuli that builds brain connections needed for optimal development. The baby is burning energy and calories needlessly that could otherwise be invested in more beneficial processes required of the baby. Don’t forget that the only reason babies cry is as defensive adaptive pattern that says something is wrong. It is not manipulation on the part of the baby. What parents are really talking about when they say they want their infant to sleep alone is freedom from caring for their babies during the night. Certainly parents have every right to choose that, but they need to know there are future trade-offs with respect to cutting themselves off from that wonderful interdependence that occurs when you are young in life.

Do you believe that all parents should cosleep with their babies?

No, I believe parents should do what they feel is best for their families. I think it is important to empower parents and let them know that every child born in the world is unique as is each family. Since no child is the same, no solution to what children need is necessarily the same. Parents know their own babies better than anyone. Pediatricians are not trained in human development, childcare strategies, or psychology. They know how to fix sick babies. We have to be very careful to not medicalize behaviors that are not appropriately medicalized: where babies sleep, what is a proper sleeping arrangement, and how parents decide to respond to their baby’s nutritional needs. I do believe that parents should be well-informed so that they are able to make the best decisions for their families, and so that if they do choose to do something like share a bed with their baby, they can do it as safely as possible.

James J. McKenna, Ph.D., directs the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory and is Chair of the Department of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame. The first scientist to undertake sleep laboratory physiological studies of both mothers and infants, he is a leading authority on infant/parent co-sleeping, and especially bed-sharing. A sought-after speaker at medical, parenting and policy conferences, he speaks on cosleeping at events around the world. Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping [ISBN: 1-930775-34-2] is his first book. He can be reached at Jim@PlatypusMedia.com.

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Pesach menus

Dov Bear complained that the “women in his life” spend too much time worrying about the Pesach menu. So he made his own suggestions:

First night: Steak, potatoes

First day: Fish, Israeli Salad

Second night: Steak, Israeli salad

Second day: Fish, potatoes

I thought it would be bad when I married into a family that doesn’t eat gebrokt (soaked matzah). Once I realized that non-gebrokt spared me from spending all my time in the kitchen cooking matzah balls, matzah stuffing, matzah rolls and all those other goodies I shut up pretty fast. After all, who needs more matzah, eggs, and oil? One type of meat or fish, potatoes, salad, and a cooked vegetable or two covers the menu quite nicely.

I still have a few quibbles about DB’s menu. Steak? First of all, halacha maintains that roasted lamb may not be eaten at the seder, and in our home we extend that to other meats. If it weren’t for that I would love an invitation to DB’s seder. We’re eight, and should we come I suggest he count ten steaks for us–we have two teenage boys. Double the potatoes too. There’s a reason that steak is not traditional Pesach fare. Our seder menu consists of soup and a pot-roast with potatoes, carrots, onions and whatever else I feel like. And a salad, although I admit that one year we forgot to serve it and no one noticed. We abandoned the fish course early on, but haven’t yet let go of the soup. I make enough strawberry “ice cream” to last the whole week (and my kids vie over who gets to stand next to the mixer making it; it’s not even my job), but unless we have a lot of guests we skip it at the seder. Sometimes we pass around chocolate.

I’ll put more effort into lunch, because people will be pretty hungry then. Fish or soup for the appetizer, chicken, potatoes, and a couple of salads (probably beet, avocado, Israeli, and cole slaw). And some sweet potatoes. I’d rather people fill up on vegetables than on meat and potatoes, and whatever’s left will get eaten later. Depending on the kids’ level of cooperation and my energy level, I can cut back if necessary. I pretty much do the same thing every year. No obsessing here. Oh, and have I mentioned that we only have one seder?

My goal all year round is meals that are tasty, nutritionally balanced, reasonably priced, and simple to cook and serve. And they should reflect the traditions of the holiday.

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Kids and Pesach

A mother in Israel cautiously enters her daughter’s room, noting the clothes strewn all over the floor, the desk piled precariously high with books, papers and chatchkas, the overflowing closet, and the hi-riser with sheets half-on and bottom bed pulled out from when a friend slept over weeks ago.

Mom: When are you going to clean your room for Pesach?
Daughter makes a sour face.
Mom: Every time I mention cleaning your room, you make that face, and then I start to get angry. Do you have a different suggestion?
Daughter, laughing: Okay, I’ll start.

She actually sat down and made up a schedule. She has been cheerfully working, reporting on her progress, and helping with the rest of the cleaning as well. She even took her little sister to the park this morning.

As a counterpoint to this success, a son who has asked me not to write about him again cut his hair for the second time in a month. I jumped when I first saw it, because I didn’t recognize him with almost no hair. Anyway no pictures this time.

I wrote up a list of Pesach chores and the children chose which ones they would do. It never fails to amaze me how each one prefers completely different types of work, and how they happily take on tasks that I dread. Boy who shall not be named is cleaning the roof , two others are sharing the refrigerator, my oldest always asks to take care of the big bookcase, and said daughter is even taking on the stovetop. As for me, I alternate between relaxation and total panic. We were planning on doing the shopping today (too bad my kids can’t take on that one, but I don’t want even my husband to do it on his own–one year we bought hametzdik cookies by mistake and didn’t realize till sometime on Pesach–good thing we had picked them out together so we couldn’t blame each other for that fashla). However, our car battery seems to have died completely so it depends on when we can get a jump. Didn’t I write that everything breaks around Pesach?

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Unofficial Guide to Pesach Shopping in Israel

My aunt loved to tell the story of her first Pesach in Israel. Excited by the choices in the supermarket, she brought home a huge assortment of kosher for Passover products unknown in the US. Only when Pesach was over did she learn from a friend that all of those products contained kitniyot (legumes, which Ashkenazi Jews avoid on Pesach). Israel has a much larger kitniyot-eating population, especially when you consider that most Ashkenazim eat them, even if they keep Pesach. I know strictly observant Ashkenazim who think nothing of buying Bamba (made with corn and peanuts–of course my parents insisted that they ate peanuts on Pesach growing up in Europe because they don’t count as kitniyot) for their kids to eat on Pesach. I still don’t understand why people buy it at all. . .

The best way to avoid the kitniyot issue is to shop at a haredi supermarket. The prices tend to be low, kitniyot are carefully labelled and kept apart, and you can get everything you could possibly need in one stop including kitchenware, yom tov clothes, small appliances and even shoes. Produce is usually cheaper in the shuk, but not always. Last year the store I frequent sold a 10kg bag of potatoes for NIS 20, definitely a good price if you can use that much. My handy-dandy list says we ate 23kg last Pesach. You can buy hand shmura matzah there too, by the kilogram or in a box of three. At some point we decided that nostalgia did not justify the price of the hand shmura, so we’ve gone over to machine shmura for the seder.

Needless to say the haredi chains don’t carry everything. Many Ashkenazi rabbis allow cottonseed oil (and the OU certainly did when I lived in the US) but try finding it without a hechsher saying “le’ochlei kitniyot bilvad.” The rabbinical authorities rule strictly here about kitniyot, and while we have no problem with some of the kitniyot derivates, we still don’t feel comfortable serving food made with a product labelled “only for kitniyot eaters.” Every year my husband and I have a debate about whether or not to buy canola oil; I think our rabbi told us no last year. The only kinds of oil with a non-kitniyot hechsher are walnut and olive, both quite steeply priced.

In the US, the OU publishes a list of products considered kosher for Passover without a special stamp (Domino sugar comes to mind). No such list exists here. Wine is always labelled kosher for Passover, but you need to wait until Rosh Chodesh Nissan when the stores turn over their stock to get just about anything else. Even though sugar is kosher for Pesach if bought beforehand, I prefer to have the hashgacha.

One thing I love about Israel is that the country celebrates every holiday together. People avoid scheduling meetings the week before Passover and the city supposedly gets cleaned up. But shopping before Rosh Hashanah and Pesach is a nightmare. You find long lines in the stores till one or two in the morning. One memorable year I brought my 6mo and 2yo to the store for Pesach shopping. I had to wait on line for three hours while my kids terrorized the store. The 2yo was fascinated by the store’s freezer switch, set right at his level. Since then my husband takes off half a day and we go together. Last year I bravely took my four younger kids, but my little one lost it and we had to give up in the middle.

As I posted earlier, I like to shop about a week before the holiday. It starts to get crowded then but the shelves are well-stocked. We inevitably need to get something at another store. I’d really like to have a few friends fan out to different stores and make up a list of prices. We could figure out the cheapest store for each product, buy enough for everyone, then meet and exchange. I haven’t succeeded yet in pulling that off yet. Can you believe that some stores post a sign prohibiting writing down prices?

If you’re new here and you find preparation for Passover difficult, keep in mind that your reward will come when you can go to sleep on the second night of the holiday instead of taking out that seder plate once again.

Related post: Number one reason to make aliyah

The Pesach Problem. I should have called this one, “Why Only a Man Would Write that It’s Possible to Make Pesach in Four Hours.”

Pesach Menus

What is Gebrokt?

29th Kosher Cooking Carnival (Passover recipes)

Passover 5768/2008:

“Turning Over” the Kitchen

Preschool Passover Project: Simplified Haggadah

Pesach Crisis Cleaning

Keeping Kids Interested in the Seder

Passover 5769/2009:

Why “Average” Haredi Families Go to Hotels for Pesach Part II

The Indispensable Post-Pesach List

Pesach and Wasting Food

Post-Pesach Tips

Passover 5770/2010:

Four Pre-Passover Questions

Getting Your Kids to Help with Pesach Cleaning

More Passover Recipes and Cooking Tips at CookingManager.Com.

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