My oldest son graduated from yeshiva high school last week. Brian Blum described his son’s party, and while our sons don’t attend the same school the emotions and experience are similar. Not to mention the disorganization. Our school misplaced the list of graduates and their plans for next year. so while they straightened this out we watched a 15-minute movie by the school’s film majors. Apparently the movie won a prize, and I thought it much better than the one my other son’s high school made the mothers suffer through. That one had been produced by a professional. The students’ film, based on a story by Isaac Bashevis Singer, is about a young engaged man who, in order to prove himself worthy of his fiancee’s family, must correctly render the complicated kiddush for a Shavuot falling on Motzei Shabbat (Sat. eve.). Unlike in Singer’s story, the film’s chatan (groom) spoke fluent Hebrew so unless he suffered from dyslexia I couldn’t quite see the problem. They handled this by portraying him as somewhat clumsy. After the holiday at the fiancee’s home, the potential father-in-law hands the young man a note for his father. Only the closing wedding music indicated the happy ending (at least to clueless me). After the film they took another hour and a half to hand out all of the diplomas, causing the graduation to end at close to 1am instead of at 11:30 as originally scheduled.

As so often happens in large families, two school events this week fell at exactly the same time: my 5yo’s graduation from gan and an “erev horim” celebrating my 11yo son’s class’s completion of Neviim Rishonim (early prophets). The fifth-graders wrote and produced four skits based on scenes from Joshua, Judges, Samuel, and Kings. (No, they make separate plays for I and II Samuel et al.) My son sang in the choir, but he knows the plays by heart and has been entertaining us. David takes out a gun, says, “Oh, guns haven’t been invented yet,” and pulls out the slingshot. After he kills Goliath, they congratulate him and give him a toffee.

My husband represented us at the gan graduation at my son’s insistence. My husband said that every other mother came but me. My son is a bit fickle, because yesterday when my daughter picked him up from gan he asked why she came and announced that he wants either Ima or a boy to pick him up. So today when he asked her to walk him to a friend she refused.

At least I’m not like the columnist in the women’s supplement of Makor Rishon last Friday, who asked his 3yo daughter which parent she loved more. When she said she loved his wife more, he got all insulted and blamed breastfeeding even though she’d weaned two years before. Ask a stupid question. . .

My own 3yo didn’t exhibit a gender preference when we left for the parties and said that she needed either a mother or a father (but not a brother or sister) to stay home with her.

My mother a”h used to say that even though children might say otherwise, when they are sick they always prefer their mothers.

Read more on Graduation and motherhood…

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We are setting up our cooperative summer camp differently than last year, forming two groups: kids aged 3-6 who will meet four mornings a week, including one local outing, and a group of 2nd-5th grade girls who will meet three times a week. Because my kids fall into the younger category, I only have to host twice during the first three weeks. (Five families have kids in this age group.) My 13yo daughter will go along with my two little ones to give the other hostesses an extra hand. Small children can be entertained more easily;keeping them all happy last year was quite a challenge.

My 11yo son feels a bit left out, but he can hang out with another older brother from a different family, and go on the girls’ trips if they want. One of the local synagogues offers a daily late minyan and shiur (Torah class) for their age group, and I promised him a chess book in the bargain (to make up for nixing that chess daycamp).

All three of the older boys are travelling mid-vacation to NY to visit my father, along with me and my 3yo. My oldest still has two exams, including a retest, for university courses. He will be off to yeshiva in mid-August, and we have already been informed not to expect him home until after Yom Kippur except for one Shabbat of “Kibbud Horim” (honoring parents). The next son (15) has been looking for work but so far his only job has been taking care of a cat for an hour a day. There are some painting jobs around the house that they need to do, once my husband gets the materials organized.

One of the families in our camp has decided to keep her 3yo daughter home next year as well. As her husband said, “Even if I were a millionaire I can’t see spending NIS 1200/month for a 3yo.” (The mother will be home with their baby at any rate.) We have decided to make a playgroup for the two of them four days a week. Without younger children I will be free to take them places as well as do the usual preschool stuff, and the rest of the time they can play together at home or on my own. This arrangement gives me two full mornings on my own. What a luxury.

A few months ago I would have hesitated before committing myself to this kind of arrangement, which obligates me to to available for two days a week. But my 3yo likes to talk and play with me just about all of the time. I thought it would get easier at some point; it did with my older ones. I wish that I could look forward to having her home for another year full-time, but I want and need to be doing other things. The two girls enjoy being together. For now this is a good compromise.

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In a moment of weakness, I offered to host the next Kosher Cooking Carnival on July 16, 2007. You can enter your post through the blog carnival website (preferred) or email me directly at mominisrael at gmail.com

Looking forward to reading great posts with recipes and anything and everything having to do with kosher food!

Read more on Kosher Cooking Carnival — Coming to a Blog Near You…

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Last night we attended the first game of the Israeli Baseball League. We hesitated a lot because a) the ticket price was steep (NIS 25 each; they let the 3yo in free) and b) my husband, despite an obsession with baseball in his youth, has lost most of his interest in the sport. But the kids know enough about it to be interested, and we decided to make an evening of it.

Anyway, if you expected an analysis of the game (Modiin Miracles 9, Petach Tikva Pioneers 1), you’ve come to the wrong place. You can read the JPost’s reports here and here.

We sat near these fellows pictured above, from left to right: Jacob Levy of Los Angeles, USA, and Rafael Rojano and Max Donald of Colombia, South America. I mostly spoke with Jacob, who plays for the Tel Aviv Lightning and is really excited to be in Israel. Some of his American friends think he might not come back! After graduating from Brandeis University in MA in 2003, he began a career in investment banking. Recently he decided to try something more “competitive” and left his job to try out for the Israeli league. (Time will tell whether the new league will be more competitive than investment banking.)

During the summer each team will play 45 games, and the players rest from Thursday evening through Shabbat (another good reason to go). The players are scheduled to return at the end of August.

Jacob is Jewish, as are about half the players. (I can’t speak for the other guys in the picture.) During the game, quite a few kids came over to ask for his autograph. He asked each one his name and chatted with him for a few moments. And he is probably the only person in recent memory who immediately identified my youngest as a girl (and complimented her on her looks). Needless to say, he’s single.

I asked Jacob what he wanted me to say about him on the blog, so aside from encouraging my readers to come to the games, he said to write that he was good-looking and intelligent. When I said that my readers would judge his looks for themselves, he said it was too bad he hadn’t shaved. Don’t hold it against him.

Hats were on sale for NIS 100 each. Even more incredible, they were selling. A woman from Hashmonaim told me that just about everyone in her town bought tickets to the game. Another woman from Hashmonaim told me that her kids would not have missed opening day. She has 7, ranging from age 4 to 20. Even though they made aliyah less than three years ago, the kids don’t even want to go back to LA for a visit! Who ever said that you can’t make aliyah with teenagers? (She did admit that the schools were a challenge.) We hardly saw anyone we knew–I guess we have been here too long.

The league will have to work through some logistical problems; we parked easily but we it took us at least twenty minutes to buy our tickets and get into the ballpark.

If you are interested in meeting Jacob (I was going to say “playing ball with Jacob” but I didn’t know how that would go over with my readers, or with Jacob, for that matter), email me and I will pass on any messages to him. He’s also interested in learning more about investment banking in Israel.

Read more on Take me out to the ball game…

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I heard about another family struggling with a difficult child. The parents have finally decided to do something about this disconnected and rebellious 9yo girl. They are going to take her for a handwriting evaluation (????? ????????).

(View previous post on Challenging Children.)

I’ll spare you the rant about all the money wasted, particularly in the religious community, by both students and consumers of various unproven alternative therapies including reflexology, essential oils, and more. I am sure that these treatments have helped many people, and I am as skeptical of modern medicine and psychology as the next person. But I fail to understand parents who would entrust the future of of their daughter and perhaps their entire family to someone who may have no more education than a high-school diploma and a 3-month course open to anyone willing to pay and taught by someone likely to have equally limited credentials in a field with no scientific basis. Despite the fact that many employers here require it, I can’t accept that handwriting analysis will help this situation. Most likely, it will impede the family in getting effective, timely assistance.

It goes without saying that the graphologist may be particularly intuitive and experienced in helping parents in similar situations. I have no way of knowing–do the parents?

Not every situation requires long-term, one-on-one counseling with a trained therapist. For some, a parenting class or support group may be enough. Often a thorough, multi-faceted evaluation, such as provided for young children with a doctor’s referral through “Machon Lehitpatchut Hayeled” (Institute for Child Development), can help parents identify a physical, emotional or cognitive disability.

Any therapist, no matter his or her background, requires certain qualities.

Most important, after listening to the parents’ description of the situation, the therapist must be able to make an accurate assessment and recommendation. Just like medical doctors, mental health professionals vary widely in their diagnostic skills. Many are too quick to label children with various disorders. If the therapist believes the child’s profile fits a particular condition, s/he should also point the parents toward a method of assessment.

Sometimes the parents feel a sense of relief when a problem has a label. Even so, I suggest that parents do their own research to see whether their child “fits” the label. Then they will have a better idea of whether testing is appropriate.

It often helps to discuss the asssessment with others familiar with the child and/or who have insight into these types of issues.

Other things to consider when evaluating a therapist’s assessment: Does s/he ask appropriate questions, getting to the heart of the problem? Does the assessment reflect the seriousness of the situation (in either direction)? Parents know their own child best. When going for an evaluation parents may hear unpleasant things about themselves or their children. Are they hard to hear because they don’t want to accept the diagnosis, or because the therapist has misread the situation?

Finally, the general approach of the therapist must fit in with the parents’ own philosophy. If deep down the parents disagree with the approach (or the assessment), they won’t follow through on suggestions and the treatment will be wasted.

I believe that the first consultation should be without the child, so that parents can be certain of a good fit. (In Israeli health funds, the parents and child may need meet the head psychiatrist before they can get a referral for subsidized therapy).

Finding the right person can be tricky. Sources might be school psychologists and counselors, teachers, the municipal psychology department (they perform educational evaluations), pediatricians, and, last but not least, experienced parents. The better you know and like the source of the referral, the more likely you are to find a good match.

Read more on More on challenging children…

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Back in September, I posted about how I decided not to order the present for my 5yo’s birthday party in gan. I am happy to report that he (and I) seemed to have survived the experience.

The ganenet was none too pleased, but she accepted it in the end.

Just consider it my small contribution toward making Israel a less materialistic society.

Besides the premature birthday party he celebrated with two other boys (and no parents), he also attended a “tiyul shnati” to view the flora and fauna on the banks of the Yarkon river. Despite the fact that I’m (finally) at the stage where I can relatively easily leave the rest of the family to go a four-hour outing, we decided to ask our oldest. After all those years of suffering through overly long gan parties, when I had four small children and no one other than a paid babysitter for the kids at home, I was happy to let the two of them enjoy themselves!

I wanted to take a picture of my 5yo when he got home, full of mud, but he put his hands over his face and said, “Not on your blog!” My 10yo pointed out that the slogan of the trip, “The Northern Yarkon is a Clean River,” did not seem to apply. Considering the Yarkon flows from east to west, we are not sure what to make of the slogan.

Now we have only the gan graduation party to get through (and a 12th-grade one too!). My 10yo informed us that he will be singing at a parents’ evening for his class on the same date.

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Rebecca of Jewess asked me to write a dvar Torah with a feminine twist. You can check it out here.

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Yuli Tamir proposes a tax on parents in lieu of school fees

The education minister, after cancelling classes for English speakers, has another idea to “help” our schoolchildren. Instead of schools having to collect fees from parents, the Bituach Leumi (National Insurance Institute) will collect them and distribute them to the schools.

I don’t have to wonder how will Bituach Leumi collect the money. Surely they will deduct it from the child allowances they pay to parents of every child in Israel under the age of 18. Why would they pay us money only to have to collect it later?

On the surface this makes sense. The schools have a hard time collecting the fees (in theory a maximum amount is regulated by the government), which go for accident insurance, school trips, and parties.

But here is the kicker: They are going to charge each parent a different amount, based on income. And parents in the upper socioeconomic level are going to pay ten times more than the parents in the lowest levels. And almost double what they pay now.

Let me be perfectly clear: I have no objection to poor families paying less. But Yuli, please tell me why are the rich parents the ones who need to subsidize this? According to Ynet, parents of junior high students in the highest income bracket will need to pay NIS 2,868 a year and those in the lowest only 284. On average parents will pay 1,289 a year, while they currently pay 874. Where are the extra NIS 400 going to go? Especially considering that the schools weren’t successful in collecting all that money anyway?

Elementary school parents will pay between NIS 284 and 1,740 depending on their economic level, and an average of 843 annually. They currently pay 565.

For high school, the minimum remains NIS 284 but the maximum goes up to 3,174. The new average will be 1,401 instead of 1,021.

This amounts to an extra tax on parents with children in school. What justification does the government have for taking money from richer parents to subsidize poorer ones? Shouldn’t regular taxes cover that already? And why such a large increase from last year, when the money is already there in the government’s coffers waiting to be snatched away from our child allowances, and there will be virtually no expense involved in collecting it?

You can also bet that this will be deducted from every parent no matter what institution they attend and even if they homeschool.

The reason given is to generate equality. There have been stories in the press about students removed from school trips because their parents didn’t pay. Surely our minister could come up with a better solution.

They should do something about the book fees instead.

I hope Ynet has it all wrong because this is completely outrageous . . .

Please email me if you see any other news about this proposal.

Read more on Highway robbery via the education ministry…

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Are you a superwoman? The Orthodox Jewish superwoman has multiple children yet still manages to (pick several): always look great, sew the family’s clothes, take on major community projects, have a spotless house, host frequent guests, work full-time or run a home business, live in a tiny apartment, have a husband who is never home, blog (just kidding), care for elderly parents or special-needs children . . . well you get the idea.

A lot has been written about whether these women are as successful as they seem. Maybe they have lots of help, or their marriage and/or children are seriously neglected.

I’d like to focus on the truly successful ones, whoever they are (keeping in mind that success is changeable and subjective and that every woman has different resources and skills).

Emuna Rosenfelder, a member of an email group I frequent, wrote that she has noticed several qualities common to many “superwomen.”

Here is Emuna’s list. I added my comments in blue, and how having or not having that trait affects me, mother of six, at this point in my life.

Read more on The truth about the Jewish superwoman…

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On Monday I took my 5.5yo to the dentist, who pointed out that has has two sets of bottom front teeth. Now why didn’t I notice that? He said it’s only a problem if the new teeth grow to the height of the old ones before the old ones fall out. He sees two or three cases like this a week, and rarely needs to intervene. For the record, top teeth do need intervention in this case.

In the afternoon we had an appointment at his school for next year for an interview to assess the family’s observance and evaluate the child’s level. This is a Torani mamad, i.e. a national religious school with additional hours of Jewish studies paid for by parents.

We met with one of the male “rabbis” (usually a hesder yeshiva student, who teaches Talmud in 4th-6th grades), the principal, and a first-grade teacher. The rabbi asked him about his unusual name and advised him to speak up and say it clearly and proudly. I noticed that the rest of the day no one asked him to repeat it like they do when I say it!

The principal asked him if he attended the “chug muchanut” (preparation course). I viewed this as a marketing ploy for insecure parents. Why send him to gan for 30 hours a week, if not to prepare him for first grade? Although I understand parents who want their kids to get to know the school, staff, and their future classmates, it’s not enough to make me want to add an extra weekly event to my schedule.

She then asked him what the difference was between gan and school. He said that school is harder. She asked what they learn in school, and he said Torah (does that mean he passed the torani test?) Then she told him she wanted to talk to his mother for a moment, and that he could listen. She asked me whether there was anything I needed from her or the school. I said no. I am probably the only one who said that! She mentioned that they are going to have a Talmud Torah from 2-4:30 each day, with an emphasis on shinun (review of texts to learn them by heart).

Now please keep in mind that most first graders in Israel study from 8:00-12:45, six days a week (gan ends at 1:20; school and gan are not allowed to end within 20 minutes of each other to allow parents to get from one to the other). The additional torani hours (paid for by parents) add an extra five hours a week. They sponsor an optional tzaharon (afterschool program) including lunch, homework supervision, and chugim (extracurricular activities). They want the Talmud Torah to be part of the tzaharon but haven’t quite worked out the details. My 5th grader is in a school that emphasizes shinun, and benefitted tremendously, but I’m certainly not planning to send my first-grader to school until 4:30. Even my 5th grader finishes at that hour only once a week; usually he ends at 2:30. He’s busy enough.

It will be interesting to see whether this idea will be successful in the public religious school; they are clearly hoping to attract a certain type of parent.

Next we met with the first grade teacher. She asked him to identify letters, write his name and some shapes, match cards with pictures of rhyming words, and answer an oral math question. She also asked him to choose the words that began with a particular “tzlil,” in this case the sound tee, and showed him a paper with pictures of tiras, a tik, tinok and tapuach (corn, purse, baby and apple). When he chose tapuach she tried to explain that he needed to choose the intitial tzlil and not simply the initial letter. This was lost on him. I bet they covered that in the chug muchanut.

At any rate, I think we’re in.

Read more on Toothy transitions…

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