Stepping Off Your Teen’s Emotional Rollercoaster

A reader writes:

I had 3 sons when my oldest daughter was born. When the boys became teens everyone told me, “Just wait till your daughter reaches that age.” I was worried about mother/daughter issues,  clothing, boundary issues, surliness, rebellion. Now she is 12 and what I’ve gotten instead is sudden, unexplained, intense sadness,  usually in the evening hours.  It’s not every day, and I haven’t found a pattern. I’ve done blood tests and thank G-d all is fine.  In general she is a happy, friendly, busy, responsible, independent  kid.

Recently there have been social issues, which I assume is normal at this age, but nothing extreme. A lot of her friends have become interested in clothes, music, and other things that she’s not interested in. There seem to be cliques forming, and she has to refind her place.  I’ve been encouraging her to invite friends she has more in common with to sleep over, and that’s been helpful.

I am looking for advice in dealing with girls this age. Have others had similiar experiences, with sudden sadness and/or social issues and how have you have handled it? I’m not looking to solve her social issues for her, but to encourage her to find her own social circle.

Don’t you hate when more experienced parents tell you to “just wait until you get to the next stage”? Somehow, that never makes me feel better. Every child and age has its own challenges. If you have one child, you spend all of your energy worrying about the one. If you have ten, you divide up the worry among the ten but end up worrying an equal amount. And when a child is unhappy, it affects everyone in the family and usually the mother most of all.

I’ll share a story from when one of my children was about the same age as yours—it may or may not be helpful.  At the time the child spent hours lying on the sofa and complaining dramatically about how miserable he was. I was sure he needed psychological or even psychiatric help. When I described the situation in detail to a professional, she said he was doing it to get attention. Long-time readers know that I don’t usually like the idea of ignoring a child. If a child needs attention, I try to give it in a positive way. But the next time he came to me with all of his anxiety I  said a few sympathetic words and went back to what I was doing. After I did this a few times the long discussions ended and he became an even-tempered child again. Okay, that’s probably not true as he was still a teenager. But things did improve considerably.

I think that a teen’s emotions can be like a roller-coaster. If we’re not careful, we end up going along for the ride.

Insights or suggestions for this mother are welcome in the comments.

(Photo credit: *clarity*)

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Yom Haatzmaut—Israel Independence Day Quiz

Tonight and tomorrow mark Yom Haatzmaut, Israel Independence Day. Like most Israelis, we will be invited to a family barbecue. Today my seven-year-old opened the encyclopedia and we came up with questions for a quiz game to bring along. The questions vary in difficulty for a mixed-age group. How many can you get?

Questions:

1. One what date was the State of Israel declared?
2. On what day of the week?
3. In what building and in which city?
4. Who declared independence?
5. What was the prior position of the first prime minister?
6. In what year was the Law of Return passed (that guaranteed citizenship to all Jews moving to Israel)?
7. In what month and year was Tzahal (the Israeli army) founded? How many enlistees were there at that time?
8. When did elections for the first Knesset (parliament) take place?
9. Name the four largest parties in the first Knesset.
10. How long did the first coalition last? (Hint: Things haven’t changed.)
11. What major issue was debated during the Second Knesset (1951-1952)?
12. What number Knesset is the current one?

Answers:

1. May 14, 1948 or 5 Iyar 5708
2. Friday
3. Dizengoff Museum, Tel Aviv
4. David Ben Gurion
5. Head of the Jewish Agency (David Ben Gurion)
6. 1951
7. June 1948, more than 100,000.
8. June 25, 1949.
9. Mapai, Mapam, United Religious Front, and Herut.
10. One and a half years.
11. Whether to accept reparations from Germany for the Holocaust.
12. 18.

Enjoy the holiday, however you are celebrating. Chag sameach.

Photo credit: Ron Almog

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Teaching Compassion to Children: Start When They Are Babies

We all want our children to be compassionate, but teaching this in our individualistic culture can be challenging. Here are my thoughts:

1. Show compassion for your children from when they are babies. A person can only be compassionate if he has experienced compassion from others. We comfort babies when they cry, even when we don’t know the reason, and we don’t let babies cry to teach them a lesson or force them to fall asleep. Showing compassion to babies develops a capacity for compassion not only in the child but also in ourselves. By inuring ourselves to their screams we become less sensitive to the pain of others.
   As a child grows, showing compassion when it is not needed can be harmful, like picking up a child’s shoe when she says she is too tired. But usually, focusing on the emotions behind the negative feelings while emphasizing correct actions will take us in the right direction.
2. Children learn from our compassion toward younger children. When we show compassion to younger children, older children internalize our emotions and behavior. A discussion of compassion can help parents to explain to small children why needs of a helpless infant take priority.
3. Model compassion for others in need. There is no shortage of ways to show compassion both within the family and out. When we come across someone in need we can enlist our children, explaining how and why we help others. For example, we find out what the person truly needs, talk sensitively to them, and listen.
4. Teach children compassion through gratefulness. There are always others in worse situations.

What are your ideas for helping children develop compassion?

(Thanks to Abbi and Keren for the inspiration in the comments on Over-Parenting.)

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Yom Hazikaron: A Mother Mourns for Her Son

Harriet Levin, next to a picture of her son (Photo: Orly Zeiler)

Today marks the observance of Yom Hazikaron. Sirens went off last night and will sound again this morning,  with memorial services taking place around the country.

Ynet interviewed Harriet Levin, an American whose son Michael was killed in the Second Lebanon War:

“Since his birth, I knew he would come to Israel and enlist in the IDF,” she said. “It was his dream, and every visit to Israel just made it stronger.” During 2001, at the height of the Intifada, he studied in Israel for several months. After witnessing the security situation, he determined not only to enlist, but to go to a combat unit.

Michael Levin followed his dream, enlisted and joined the paratroopers. When the Second Lebanon War broke out, he was visiting family in Philadelphia. He packed his bags and told his family, “I have to go back.”

“After the war, we were told that he was originally assigned to guard in Hebron during the war, but he insisted on joining the fighting, even though the IDF prefers not to send lone soldiers (those with no family in Israel) to the front line,” Harriet said.

Before he left, Michael was resolute in talking to his father about what would happen if he didn’t make it back from the war. He said he wanted to be buried at the military cemetery on Mount Herzl.

When the family took him to the airport, his twin sister, Dara, said she knew at that moment that it would be the last time she would see him.

She missed his last phone call and only heard his voicemail saying, “it’s crazy what’s happening here, it’s just hell. We’ll talk when it’s over.” They never got to.

May Michael’s memory, and the memory of all who have given their lives to defend Israel, be for a blessing.

Hat tip: Hadassah Levy

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Carnivals, and Revisiting Nursing in the Synagogue

A revised version of my post, Nursing in the Ezrat Nashim, is up on DovBear. Update: Be sure to check out the comments.

And you can find Haveil Havalim, the Jewish and Israel blog carnival, at The Rebbetzin’s Husband.

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