New immigrant Rachel is undergoing culture shock on behalf of her children.
A friend once told me that I do my children a grave disservice by delaying their attendance in gan until they are 3, 4 or 5. She claimed that they need the gan experience in order to develop that tough exterior so useful in Israeli society. I don’t know if she’s right or not, but every action involves a tradeoff. If you only associate with American families, they will not learn Hebrew as quickly nor the ins and outs of Israeli society. And Israeli culture has positive values such as love of the land, close extended families, and less materialism. Even “protektzia” is positive when you are the beneficiary.
Rachel raises three specific issues.
Here are more tips on keeping kids close.
A neighbor once offered to take care of my baby when I went out. “Don’t worry,” she assured me. “His crying won’t bother me.” Since I don’t ignore crying babies whether they are mine or not, I didn’t agree to watch the neighbor’s baby the next couple of times she asked me. I might have enjoyed a reciprocal arrangement, but only if the neighbor shared my parenting style. And I didn’t want to provide daycare.
I am finding myself in a similar situation now. My four-year old and I pick up my first-grader, Y, from school each day. On the way home we enjoy a snack in the park, where Y unwinds and tells me about his day. Afterward, the kids play in the nearly empty playground; they’ve missed each other. I bring along a book or just soak in the “winter” weather.
The other day a boy in my son’s class, B, joined us on our walk home. When he realized we were going to the park, he stuck around. He stayed until we left half an hour later, and continued walking with us in the direction of our homes.
Y is not friendly with B, but I happened to meet his mother at the parent-teacher conference. She and her husband own a store, and she has another job besides. I asked her how B gets home, because I had once noticed him wandering around the neighborhood after school. She said that his older brother, who usually finishes school later, takes him home. She said something about B visiting the toy store sometimes.
When I got to school the next afternoon Y was standing with B, who informed me that he was coming to the park with us. I could hardly say no. At the park he told me about his very rich father, how thin cellphones like his are much better than the kind I have, and how his 12yo brother takes a taxi to the parents’ store to work there after school, leaving him alone and bored at home. He said that he has a housekey and lets himself in after school. I have no idea how much of this is accurate. He kept asking us when we were leaving the park, and when I said not yet, B left by himself. I didn’t want to walk home with him again. Y said that he saw B walk back toward the school, perhaps to meet his brother. If he has to wait for 45 minutes for his brother anyway, I can see why he might prefer the park to the schoolyard.
No one seems to wonder where he is during the hour after school lets out. The thin cellphone never rang. My husband said I should call the mother, but I don’t see the point. If he is supposed to be in the schoolyard during those 45 minutes, then she can tell him that he has to stay on school grounds. But if he’s supposed to walk home by himself, is it my place to tell her to make sure he goes straight home? Especially to an empty house? And what if he goes against her instructions?
It’s not B’s fault that he is neglected on his own during the afternoon. He needs warmth and an adult presence. But he’s not an orphan, and I’m not a daycare provider. Our school, on the other hand, provides afterschool daycare. Y enjoys the company of B, who is a bit of a clown, but my four-year-old did not appreciate someone else taking Y’s attention. And I will cease to enjoy our time in the park if B attaches himself to us every day.
Tomorrow my daughter asked me to come straight home after school, because she will return early with a friend. Maybe if I don’t stop in the park for the next few days, B will forget about my family’s routine. I’m open to other suggestions.
Update: I told the school counselor that I had seen B wandering around the neighborhood after school. I suggested that he might be better off in the afterschool program. She seemed concerned and promised to look into it. I also mentioned that Y was much happier and she said, “I know.”
Hat tip to Jameel, who points out that American Jews might start sending their children to Israeli daycare centers. Hey, they already do it with their troublesome teenagers.
Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Also, check out his post for details of a serious (I think) idea to help improve the quality of life in Israel:
Ronny Maman, who recently returned to Israel after 18 prosperous years in San Diego, announced this week that he will give $60,000 to anyone who comes up with a way to make the Jewish state more considerate.
We are setting up our cooperative summer camp differently than last year, forming two groups: kids aged 3-6 who will meet four mornings a week, including one local outing, and a group of 2nd-5th grade girls who will meet three times a week. Because my kids fall into the younger category, I only have to host twice during the first three weeks. (Five families have kids in this age group.) My 13yo daughter will go along with my two little ones to give the other hostesses an extra hand. Small children can be entertained more easily;keeping them all happy last year was quite a challenge.
My 11yo son feels a bit left out, but he can hang out with another older brother from a different family, and go on the girls’ trips if they want. One of the local synagogues offers a daily late minyan and shiur (Torah class) for their age group, and I promised him a chess book in the bargain (to make up for nixing that chess daycamp).
All three of the older boys are travelling mid-vacation to NY to visit my father, along with me and my 3yo. My oldest still has two exams, including a retest, for university courses. He will be off to yeshiva in mid-August, and we have already been informed not to expect him home until after Yom Kippur except for one Shabbat of “Kibbud Horim” (honoring parents). The next son (15) has been looking for work but so far his only job has been taking care of a cat for an hour a day. There are some painting jobs around the house that they need to do, once my husband gets the materials organized.
One of the families in our camp has decided to keep her 3yo daughter home next year as well. As her husband said, “Even if I were a millionaire I can’t see spending NIS 1200/month for a 3yo.” (The mother will be home with their baby at any rate.) We have decided to make a playgroup for the two of them four days a week. Without younger children I will be free to take them places as well as do the usual preschool stuff, and the rest of the time they can play together at home or on my own. This arrangement gives me two full mornings on my own. What a luxury.
A few months ago I would have hesitated before committing myself to this kind of arrangement, which obligates me to to available for two days a week. But my 3yo likes to talk and play with me just about all of the time. I thought it would get easier at some point; it did with my older ones. I wish that I could look forward to having her home for another year full-time, but I want and need to be doing other things. The two girls enjoy being together. For now this is a good compromise.
In an NYT op-ed, Linda Hirshman argues that we need to encourage highly educated women to come back to the work force after their babies are born:
Should we care if women leave the work force? Yes, because participation in public life allows women to use their talents and to powerfully affect society. And once they leave, they usually cannot regain the income or status they had. The Center for Work-Life Policy, a research organization founded by Sylvia Ann Hewlett of Columbia, found that women lose an average of 18 percent of their earning power when they temporarily leave the work force. Women in business sectors lose 28 percent.
And despite the happy talk of “on ramps” back in, only 40 percent of even high-powered professionals get back to full-time work at all.
That the most educated have opted out the most should raise questions about how our society allocates scarce educational resources. The next generation of girls will have a greatly reduced pool of role models.
I guess being a role model for the next generation of feminists and guilt about using up “scarce educational resources” are not strong enough reasons to make economically secure mothers want to leave their babies every day for most of the day, even if it’s true that “educated women . . . work [only] 42.2 hours a week on average and those with professional degrees, 45.” Of course, the women who work those kinds of hours are not often the ones who are going to “powerfully affect society;” the true policymakers must work much more.
Ultimately Hirshman sends a mixed message. If women are raised to be exactly like men, including splitting childcare with their partners and cutting back the amount of time they spend with their children in general, as she seems to advocate, what edge will they have to help them change society for the better?
In other words, women should be feminine enough to affect public policy for the better, but not so much so that they wind up putting their families ahead of their careers.
She believes that women should not waste their sympathetic, caring nature on raising their own children (uneducated women can do it for them). Instead, when making personal decisions about their own families, they must think of the economy and the supposed good of society.
Update: It seems that quite a discussion is going on with the rabbi in the comments section on Moreshet, for those who read Hebrew.
A commenter on my previous post drew my attention to a responsum from the Orthodox website Moreshet. Here is my translation:
Love and Warmth for a Child
Shalom to the honorable rabbi. I would like to ask until what age it is worthwhile and desirable for a baby/child to stay at home with his mother.Response:
The answer to your question is so individual, keeping a child at home or sending him to daycare and into society depends on the child’s rate of development. There are children who will feel fine going to daycare at 3 months, and there are some who will need a whole year until it will be possible to send them.A second issue concerns the quality of the daycare center and the caretakers, do they simply change diapers or engage in activities with the children. If the activities are designed to engage the child and get the most out of him (?????? ?? ????) as much as possible, he will be better able to get along in society. If he is just going for babysitting there is no point.
Most of my children and grandchildren went out at three months, and baruch Hashem, they all developed excellently and are very sociable. They know how to get along very well, and these are things that are not learned at home.
Now I only use Moreshet for questions about things like kashrut, and I wouldn’t dream of asking a rabbi a question about daycare. With all due respect, I don’t understand why the rabbi feels he has anything more to say about this issue than any other experienced father/grandfather. He doesn’t quote sources or relate to halacha at all. However, the mother did ask for his opinion.
To respond to the specific points:
The commenter Ora wrote:
It really annoyed me–it’s hard enough raising kids without a rabbi telling you you’re not capable of it and need to send them away. As if I needed less confidence.
Ora, you raise an important point. We mothers, whatever choices we make, have a hard enough job. No matter what we do we feel we need to do more. I hope that you can find other mothers in your community who understand the importance of mothering. I am sure you are doing a great job.
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