I’d like help with ideas for a mother of four who is returning to the working world:
“Any tips on how to make this transition [back to work] least traumatic on my very attached 18 month old? She has always been home with me and I’m now getting her used to the day care setting.”
The Over-Parenting Crisis by Katie Allison Granju, author of an influential book on attachment parenting, complains about parents who obsess about every aspect of their children’s development.
This over-parenting has become an epidemic. Legions of well-intentioned mothers and fathers, urged on by popular media and the marketplace, are frantically striving to create an endlessly controlled, bubble-wrapped childrearing environment. From neuroses with regulating our babies’ sleep habits, to insistence on antimicrobial everything, to the attempt to continue “babyproofing” our homes until our babies are well into elementary school, our current parenting zeitgeist is competitive, market-driven . . . and exhausting.
Then Commenter Abbi pointed me to a New York Times blog post about a couple who work different shifts to reduce daycare costs, as I suggested in my post on frugal strategies for young families. During his lunch hour, the husband drives his wife to work at Costco and their 3-year-old and 19-month-old to their daycare for a few hours. Their day ends like this:
As my family grew from a small to a large one with six children, I developed efficient ways to save money. Some items that were small expenses with two small children became bigger as the family grew.
Read more on Frugal Strategies for Young Families that Pay Off as Your Children Grow…
In light of my previous post, Lion of Zion asked about the issues in the upcoming municipal elections.
We will cast two ballots this Tuesday, one for the local council (27 seats) and another for mayor. This year 159,000 residents have voting rights, beginning at age 17. The incumbent mayor, Itzik Ohayon, has overseen tremendous development in the city, but the other four candidates claim his candidacy has been a bastion of corruption and cronyism. When a mayor is involved in so many decisions about building, transportation, and development, there are going to be a lot of complaints, and worse.
According to Wikipedia, Petach Tikva’s population grows at an annual rate of 2.4%.
One supporter advising a storekeeper to vote for O’Hayon told me to vote for him too. “But of course you will,” he added, when he noticed my religious dress. It’s true that the National Religious Party (NRP or Mafdal in Hebrew) and Aguduah (Ashkenazi haredim) are supporting O’Hayon, who has close ties with the religious community.
Campaign “Ushpizin” sign for the SukkahWhen the NRP’s long-time leader resigned in a surprise move, “outsider” Moti Zaft was appointed to take over. This breathed new life into the campaign, leading most of the community’s rabbis, along with school principals from both the public and private religious schools, to support the party. However, a letter in our mailbox signed by “private school parents” objected to Zaft’s appointment.
The NRP’s main competition comes from a private individual who ran five years ago and got one seat. The NRP protested when representatives of this party known “Anachnu Maaminim bePetach Tikva” (We Believe in Petach Tikva) kept their positions in the governing body of the local NRP, despite campaigning against the party. Zaft said in an interview in the local religious paper that because of this he refused to sign a vote-exchange agreement (in which loose votes from both parties can be combined to give one of the parties an extra seat). But my son said that other parties also chose not to sign such agreements, because experts consider it poor strategy.
Every Friday and erev chag since Sukkot, cars blasted up and down the streets playing the theme song to the tune of “Anachnu maaminim bnei maaminim.” My seven-year-old received the above poster outside his school, and the NRP distributed Simchat Torah flags in synagogues. At a public religious school function the head of the parents’ committee reminded everyone to cast a ballot for the NRP.
A couple we know had agreed to support the leader of Anachnu Maaminim until learning that Moti Zaft, a close friend, would be running with the NRP. They found themselves in an uncomfortable position and unable to campaign for either party.
New immigrant Rachel is undergoing culture shock on behalf of her children.
A friend once told me that I do my children a grave disservice by delaying their attendance in gan until they are 3, 4 or 5. She claimed that they need the gan experience in order to develop that tough exterior so useful in Israeli society. I don’t know if she’s right or not, but every action involves a tradeoff. If you only associate with American families, they will not learn Hebrew as quickly nor the ins and outs of Israeli society. And Israeli culture has positive values such as love of the land, close extended families, and less materialism. Even “protektzia” is positive when you are the beneficiary.
Rachel raises three specific issues.
A neighbor once offered to take care of my baby when I went out. “Don’t worry,” she assured me. “His crying won’t bother me.” Since I don’t ignore crying babies whether they are mine or not, I didn’t agree to watch the neighbor’s baby the next couple of times she asked me. I might have enjoyed a reciprocal arrangement, but only if the neighbor shared my parenting style. And I didn’t want to provide daycare.
I am finding myself in a similar situation now. My four-year old and I pick up my first-grader, Y, from school each day. On the way home we enjoy a snack in the park, where Y unwinds and tells me about his day. Afterward, the kids play in the nearly empty playground; they’ve missed each other. I bring along a book or just soak in the “winter” weather.
The other day a boy in my son’s class, B, joined us on our walk home. When he realized we were going to the park, he stuck around. He stayed until we left half an hour later, and continued walking with us in the direction of our homes.
Y is not friendly with B, but I happened to meet his mother at the parent-teacher conference. She and her husband own a store, and she has another job besides. I asked her how B gets home, because I had once noticed him wandering around the neighborhood after school. She said that his older brother, who usually finishes school later, takes him home. She said something about B visiting the toy store sometimes.
When I got to school the next afternoon Y was standing with B, who informed me that he was coming to the park with us. I could hardly say no. At the park he told me about his very rich father, how thin cellphones like his are much better than the kind I have, and how his 12yo brother takes a taxi to the parents’ store to work there after school, leaving him alone and bored at home. He said that he has a housekey and lets himself in after school. I have no idea how much of this is accurate. He kept asking us when we were leaving the park, and when I said not yet, B left by himself. I didn’t want to walk home with him again. Y said that he saw B walk back toward the school, perhaps to meet his brother. If he has to wait for 45 minutes for his brother anyway, I can see why he might prefer the park to the schoolyard.
No one seems to wonder where he is during the hour after school lets out. The thin cellphone never rang. My husband said I should call the mother, but I don’t see the point. If he is supposed to be in the schoolyard during those 45 minutes, then she can tell him that he has to stay on school grounds. But if he’s supposed to walk home by himself, is it my place to tell her to make sure he goes straight home? Especially to an empty house? And what if he goes against her instructions?
It’s not B’s fault that he is neglected on his own during the afternoon. He needs warmth and an adult presence. But he’s not an orphan, and I’m not a daycare provider. Our school, on the other hand, provides afterschool daycare. Y enjoys the company of B, who is a bit of a clown, but my four-year-old did not appreciate someone else taking Y’s attention. And I will cease to enjoy our time in the park if B attaches himself to us every day.
Tomorrow my daughter asked me to come straight home after school, because she will return early with a friend. Maybe if I don’t stop in the park for the next few days, B will forget about my family’s routine. I’m open to other suggestions.
Update: I told the school counselor that I had seen B wandering around the neighborhood after school. I suggested that he might be better off in the afterschool program. She seemed concerned and promised to look into it. I also mentioned that Y was much happier and she said, “I know.”
Hat tip to Jameel, who points out that American Jews might start sending their children to Israeli daycare centers. Hey, they already do it with their troublesome teenagers.
Report: Many U.S. Parents Outsourcing Child Care Overseas
Also, check out his post for details of a serious (I think) idea to help improve the quality of life in Israel:
We are setting up our cooperative summer camp differently than last year, forming two groups: kids aged 3-6 who will meet four mornings a week, including one local outing, and a group of 2nd-5th grade girls who will meet three times a week. Because my kids fall into the younger category, I only have to host twice during the first three weeks. (Five families have kids in this age group.) My 13yo daughter will go along with my two little ones to give the other hostesses an extra hand. Small children can be entertained more easily;keeping them all happy last year was quite a challenge.
My 11yo son feels a bit left out, but he can hang out with another older brother from a different family, and go on the girls’ trips if they want. One of the local synagogues offers a daily late minyan and shiur (Torah class) for their age group, and I promised him a chess book in the bargain (to make up for nixing that chess daycamp).
All three of the older boys are travelling mid-vacation to NY to visit my father, along with me and my 3yo. My oldest still has two exams, including a retest, for university courses. He will be off to yeshiva in mid-August, and we have already been informed not to expect him home until after Yom Kippur except for one Shabbat of “Kibbud Horim” (honoring parents). The next son (15) has been looking for work but so far his only job has been taking care of a cat for an hour a day. There are some painting jobs around the house that they need to do, once my husband gets the materials organized.
One of the families in our camp has decided to keep her 3yo daughter home next year as well. As her husband said, “Even if I were a millionaire I can’t see spending NIS 1200/month for a 3yo.” (The mother will be home with their baby at any rate.) We have decided to make a playgroup for the two of them four days a week. Without younger children I will be free to take them places as well as do the usual preschool stuff, and the rest of the time they can play together at home or on my own. This arrangement gives me two full mornings on my own. What a luxury.
A few months ago I would have hesitated before committing myself to this kind of arrangement, which obligates me to to available for two days a week. But my 3yo likes to talk and play with me just about all of the time. I thought it would get easier at some point; it did with my older ones. I wish that I could look forward to having her home for another year full-time, but I want and need to be doing other things. The two girls enjoy being together. For now this is a good compromise.
In an NYT op-ed, Linda Hirshman argues that we need to encourage highly educated women to come back to the work force after their babies are born:
Should we care if women leave the work force? Yes, because participation in public life allows women to use their talents and to powerfully affect society. And once they leave, they usually cannot regain the income or status they had. The Center for Work-Life Policy, a research organization founded by Sylvia Ann Hewlett of Columbia, found that women lose an average of 18 percent of their earning power when they temporarily leave the work force. Women in business sectors lose 28 percent.
Update: It seems that quite a discussion is going on with the rabbi in the comments section on Moreshet, for those who read Hebrew.
A commenter on my previous post drew my attention to a responsum from the Orthodox website Moreshet. Here is my translation:
Read more on Rabbi: These are things that are not learned at home…
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