RaggedyMom showed me this CNN story about developing children’s social maturity. In a fourteen-year study, the preschool children of mothers who described a picture using emotional language showed more empathy and better social skills when they got older.
It is important to encourage children to think about others’ feelings from a young age. However, I was dismayed by the first line of the article:
Mothers often get blamed for the way their children turn out, and a new study gives additional weight to that accusation.
Let’s stop blaming mothers, who make mistakes like everyone else. Most of the time they are acting in a way prescribed by our culture, which, the last I heard, is comprised of both sexes. Could you imagine a newspaper using similar language to introduce a study about some unknown benefit of breastfeeding?
Mothers looking to build up career skills while taking a break from the work force might enjoy this post by Trent at The Simple Dollar, listing six neglected skills that can be transferred to practically any job.
Tom Hodgkinson writes about the reaction to his article, The Idle Parent, and gives ideas of ways parents can disconnect from the outside world and connect with the family. Shabbat is mentioned.
Finally, Miriam Adahan shares techniques for dealing with children’s anger on Chabad.org.
Today is Taanit Bechorot, the fast of the first-born, which commemorates the fact that Jews in Egypt were spared the tenth plague. Because this year the fast would have fallen out on Shabbat, it got moved up to Thursday. At any rate, no one really fasts. Instead, bechorot (first-born sons) attend a siyum exempting them. Just about every synagogue has one after shacharit (morning prayers).
What do you do if you are the parent of a bechor who is too young to fast? The father usually attends a siyum in his place. But I know of a woman who actually fasted on Taanit Bechorot; her husband was also a bechor, so she felt that the obligation fell on her. I don’t know why she didn’t just go to a siyum if she felt it was necessary. My husband is a bechor and I never fasted when my oldest was a baby. (And I didn’t go to a siyum either.) I know there’s not usually much to eat on the day before Pesach, but still.
As my husband was coming out of shul this morning a young woman drove up; she told him she had heard that it was possible to get “yayn bechorim” (wine of the first-born) at that synagogue. The woman explained that she was planning to drink it on Pesach, in lieu of fasting today. My husband had never heard of it. Have you?
Please welcome my 13yo daughter’s first ever guest post. She took the pictures too.
My little brother’s tooth finally fell out today. I made him a box to put it in, which was supposed to be an envelope, except I forgot how to make them. I still remember some of my teeth that fell out. I was told, as all children, that if I put the tooth under my pillow, I would get a present from the Tooth Fairy. It worked the first time. The second time, however, something went wrong. I wouldn’t go to bed without an envelope for my tooth, insisting the Tooth Fairy wouldn’t come if the tooth had no envelope. In the end, my mother convinced me it didn’t care and I went to sleep very worried. In the morning it turned out I was right: the tooth was still there, and there was no present! I wasn’t very happy.
A couple of years later, I tested my parents. I lost a tooth and hid it under my pillow, without telling anyone. I had outgrown the envelope by then. The Tooth Fairy didn’t come. After a week, I told my parents. My mother told me that there was no Tooth Fairy, but my father insisted that it still existed. The next morning, of course, the Tooth Fairy came. But it was too late. I didn’t believe in them anymore.
Now you know who are the cynical ones in the family.
I once heard a taped lecture where the speaker imagined an event in the fictional homemaking “olympics,” where a mother takes her two small children to the park. They must reach their goal without the tricycle and bicycle getting run over or full of dog doody. The speaker called it the olympics to emphasize the many intricate skills that mothers and homemakers must master.
What if there were a Jewish homemaking olympics? Readers who objected to the term superwoman might also feel intimidated by “olympics;” I don’t mean to focus on the competitive aspect. I want homemakers and their partners to appreciate the tremendous range of skills they develop to keep the house running smoothly. Or to keep it running at all.
An entire group of events would involve Pesach.
Here are some other possibilities for “Jewish Homemaking Olympics” categories:
To make it really difficult, the “Jewish Olympics Committee” could throw one or two of these hurdles into the race:
Whatever discuses (disci?) are thrown our way, we will rise to the challenge.
Within reasonable limits.
Are you a superwoman? The Orthodox Jewish superwoman has multiple children yet still manages to (pick several): always look great, sew the family’s clothes, take on major community projects, have a spotless house, host frequent guests, work full-time or run a home business, live in a tiny apartment, have a husband who is never home, blog (just kidding), care for elderly parents or special-needs children . . . well you get the idea.
A lot has been written about whether these women are as successful as they seem. Maybe they have lots of help, or their marriage and/or children are seriously neglected.
I’d like to focus on the truly successful ones, whoever they are (keeping in mind that success is changeable and subjective and that every woman has different resources and skills).
Emuna Rosenfelder, a member of an email group I frequent, wrote that she has noticed several qualities common to many “superwomen.”
Here is Emuna’s list. I added my comments in blue, and how having or not having that trait affects me, mother of six, at this point in my life.
1) Being raised with a strong work ethic – ki adam laamal yulad (Job 5:7) – man was created to work. They expect to work.
Having had a homemaking role model (my own mother in my case) also makes raising a large family simpler.
1 1/2) They actually LIKE to work and can feel uncomfortable doing
nothing – “I’ll rest when I’m in the grave.”
I know I feel uncomfortable about doing nothing. But even when I feel like I have wasted a lot of time when I look back I find I still managed to accomplish a few things.
2) High energy level – they might even call themselves hyperactive. They
may need less sleep then the rest of us.
I have a high energy, but having children forced me to slow down.
3) Sure of their way – their kids don’t get mixed messages or apologize
when being expected to help.
This doesn’t come naturally to me. I wish it did.
4) Super organized – they don’t waste their time looking for their car
keys, having to run to the makolet (corner store) in the middle of cooking because they are out of something etc.
I confess to being fairly organized, despite lamenting the amount of time I waste because I can’t find the can opener, peeler, etc. But if my shopping list wasn’t complete, I generally manage to find a substitute.
5) Patient husbands
This one I definitely have. I can’t see having six kids with a father who expected to be served three gourmet meals a day in a spotless house, or that changing diapers was out of his domain.
6) Don’t sweat the small stuff – they don’t lose energy because their neighbor
didn’t answer them when they said hello etc.
I am still working on this one. On the one hand I don’t get offended when someone doesn’t invite me to a simcha (function). But I have plenty of days when I can’t seem to get moving because something threw me off. And the summer heat makes me practically dysfunctional. I would say that an even temperament is essential in a hectic household because things tend to dissolve into chaos rather frequently.
7) Do it now – they wash the soup dishes while their husband sings zmirot,
(maybe that’s why we don’t sing in my house?) wash the food processor as soon
as the kugel goes in the oven etc.
My food processor is almost always clean, and my laundry too, but I procrastinate in many other significant areas. Especially paperwork, errands, housecleaning, and home improvement/repairs. But the “do it now” mentality can work against homemakers when they don’t allow the other family members to share the responsibility.
Know their limits – they may leave all weddings at 10 because if they’re not
in bed by 11 they can’t function the next day etc.
I think I do know my limits and don’t take on big projects when I know I have other things going on as too much stress is bad for both me and the family. I manage to function on little sleep.
9) No nonsense – set limits and stick to them – supper is macaroni, if
you don’t like it you can make yourself a sandwich.
Another area where I still need a lot of work! Fortunately all but one of my kids would happily eat macaroni every day.
So how super does that make me 
?
I would like to add additional qualities that I believe help in raising a large family:
To summarize, some things I already knew how to do. Some I learned along the way. And the rest, I am still trying to manage. If I had to do it over, I would have done a lot of things differently.
So, what do you think makes a superwoman? What qualities have you found useful as your own family grew? What have you noticed in others? I’m going to tag some female bloggers with large families (five or more kids) but I’d like to hear everyone’s thoughts in their own blogs or in the comments.
Babylox, Frumhouse, Renegade Rebbitzin
Surely there must be more?
A mother I know described a challenging situation involving one of her children. Without relating to the specific issues, I decided to post some general suggestions for surviving tough times.
Bli neder, I’ll discuss finding help in a future post.
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