This is Part II of an interview with Rabbi Moshe Yossef, a former kannai who lived in the anti-Zionist community in Jerusalem for many years. In Part I, he tells of his personal experiences. Below he responds to questions about the kannai community.
Read more on Exclusive Interview with a Former Kannai, Part II: The Community…
In my series on Pashkevilim, I gave highlights of a lecture about the community of anti-Zionist kannaim, or zealots, in Jerusalem. @Jewnet invited me to interview her husband Moshe Yossef, a former kannai, for an insider’s view.
Read more on Exclusive: Interview with a Former Kannai, Part I…
An interview with the author appears below.
Chaya Rosen is a young woman living in Israel. She recently published Backstage with CBC: The Chaverim Boys Choir Live (Targum Press), a book for religious preteens.
Read more on New Jewish Book for Pre-Teens: Review and Interview…
Melissa, originally from England, lives in Nazareth with her Christian-Arab husband and their six children. She graciously answered my questions by email.
Melissa, where were you born? I grew up in St. Albans, Hertfordshire, a small city about 40 minutes drive north of London.
Never one to turn down free professional advice, I didn’t hesitate when blogger Therapy Doc suggested an interview here on my blog. Coincidentally, while “visiting” my blog TD and her husband are in Israel visiting their son in yeshiva; see here (the end of the post) and here.
Feel free to leave questions for Therapy Doc in the comments. My own questions are in bold.
How did you manage the demands of work vs. family when your children were small?
How did I juggle work and family? A lot didn’t get done.
My kids would probably say I put patients first, and that’s true. My kids seemed okay, but my patients did not.
But it’s not so simple. Both require quite a bit of attention. I was the parent that slithered in at the back of the auditorium late for the school play or for whatever ceremony they had (and they used to have tons of those) and the one who never participated in PTA.
I was extremely lucky, poo, poo, poo, kineyenhara (these are anti-voodoo measures) in that my first degrees seemed to prefer Benevolent Neglect. It’s my world view that the less input the better, when people are struggling to determine who they are. People (see, kids are just small people) subliminally know who they are and it’s their job and delight to fine-tune that. The line, “You had your life” is one of my favorites.
Parents and teachers, of course, should help, should make suggestions based upon obvious aptitudes. They should look out for real potential and encourage a child’s aspirations. I think it’s good to let them try, however, to do the things they think they want to do, even when you’re pretty sure they’ll fail.
And you can’t coach too much. Children who get a steady diet of coaching tend to tune it out. Wouldn’t you?
How did you meet your own personal needs during that time?
What? I had personal needs?
What was your biggest challenge as a mother of school-aged children? A mother of teens? As a grandmother?
We all have them, challenges, and I’m grateful for them. I’ve been pulled in so many directions (including east, Jerusalem). I think deciding where to establish my life and the lives of my children, Israel or America, surely took up a lot of RAM. Still does.
As a parent of school-aged children, I was mostly on the lookout for their emotional health, which was hard because, in case you haven’t noticed, kids fight, and kids are mean, and if they’re stopped in one way, they’ll get you another.
The challenge with teens for me didn’t have anything to do with my own children who seemed pretty well put together and talked to us freely (when they weren’t not talking to us).
My worries were about their friends, so we always had kids over, talked to them when they would let us, encouraged them to hang out at our house. I didn’t have this concept of bad influence. All children are good. They need more influence to get through life. They’re all our children.
Everyone knows (if they’ve been reading my blog) that my greatest challenge as a grandmother is managing my feelings of separation.
A word to other grandmothers, those who do have the opportunity to mentor and enjoy their ainiclech (grandchildren) every day, every week: Be sensitive to those of us who miss ours.
What do you think is the biggest concern of parents today? In the Orthodox Jewish community? Are there issues that should be getting more attention?
Probably the hardest and most important challenge for parents today is teaching kids about healthy relationships and sex. (Use the word, go ahead, it’ll free you.) They’re exposed to so much that is NOT healthy. It’s in the air, the shmutz. It’s everywhere.
Are eating disorders becoming more common and do you have any suggestions for preventing them?
I don’t know if they’re more common or not. I worked with a professor at Hebrew University and translated a study that compared anorexia in the kibbutz from the fifties to the sixties and seventies. Anorexia was virtually nonexistent on the early kibbutzim, where a person’s worth had to do with how much he could give, not how good he could look. In the sixties, when Israel became more industrialized, this changed. Now, of course, anorexia and the other eating disorders, including obesity, are prevalent and have been for years.
To prevent it, I tell parents to eat well themselves, shun the garbage, exercise, and MOST important, teach their daughters real sports at a young age. Let them throw the ball, run the bases, enjoy their bodies. It’s more about being in touch with one’s body and what feels good than anything else (except when there are really good psychological reasons, and I’m not going there today). Empty feels Good.
What do you mean by that?
I think most of us like that empty feeling. We feel good after a fast, we feel good when we’re hungry after exercise. We feel good in the morning, too, before we eat. Some of us don’t like breakfast for that very reason.
It’s one of the reasons that those who really like food, but stay thin, take their eating slowly. They take the time to savor, to enjoy the sense of taste. Kids who are “anorexic” as teenagers often stop voluntary fasting (anorexia) when they get married. That’s another story, and sure, I’ll get to the eating disorders one day. For now suffice it to say that eating is healthy. Not eating is healthy. It’s a matter of timing.
Any words of wisdom for those of us with challenging teenagers?
Yeah. Keep an eye on them. Buy a leash. And listen to them without falling to that temptation to answer back. Always ask another question. Assume you know NOTHING. They often think that you do.
And get therapy, sure. For everybody.
Therapy Doc, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Enjoy the rest of your trip.
Read more on Teens, Sex and Eating Disorders: An Interview with the Therapy Doc…
Well, not really. But check out Frugal Journey’s interview with yours truly.
Interview: A Mother in Israel
I have written quite a few posts on the benefits of cosleeping and the negative effects of allowing babies to cry. James McKenna, PhD., probably the foremost researcher on the topic of mother-infant cosleeping, has written Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Co-Sleeping. In this interview from the publisher, Platypus Media, McKenna addresses the most common criticisms of cosleeping. Cosleeping is safe (if practiced correctly) and does not lead to emotional dependence. McKenna believes that the decision to cosleep or not lies with individual families, not the medical establishment. I was going to post only excerpts, but in the end I couldn’t leave anything out! I believe McKenna presents a powerful case and I am looking forward to reading the book, due out in May.
Today we’ll give babies and toddlers a rest and look at how to help our teens navigate adolescence. I’ve learned from personal experience that nagging and power struggles don’t work. Even if such tactics result in the desired behavior, they our effectiveness in guiding teens through these critical years.
Read more on Help for Parents of Teenagers: Interview with Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch…
An entertaining new player entered the Jewish blogosphere last Yom Kippur. The Maggid of Bergenfeld combines Torah, humor and mussar and aims to teach the lessons of each parsha and holiday through contemporary stories. I’m sure I’m not the only one who looks forward to each weekly drash. I remember Larry’s slapstick humor and creativity from when we went to college together. We even co-wrote a skit that was performed for the Orthodox Jewish student group. He claims not to remember, but I thought it was pretty good. Here is the Maggid’s own story.
What gave you the idea to start a blog?
I had been reading Dave Bogner’s blog Treppenwitz since he made Aliyah, and I had been writing down stories for my kids on the parsha for the Friday night dinner table. So I got the idea to combine the two. I’m not very computer savvy, but this idea appealed to me. I like the idea of creating a folk tradition for the modern Orthodox. Like how you might read something about the shtetl from I.B. Singer or Shalom Aleichem.
Where does the title of the blog come from?
I live in Teaneck, but I grew up in the small town next door, Bergenfield. It’s more of an ethnically mixed blue collar town. I pictured the fictional Maggid sitting in a small house in my old neighborhood telling stories to kids on Shabbat afternoon. That’s just who the Maggid is.
You took on a big commitment. Do you ever wonder if you will finish? Do you feel under pressure? How did you manage to write eight stories for Chanukah?
Writing the stories is fun. I’m having a blast, and everyone I know seems to get in on the effort. I think it’ll work out fine. They say the storyteller’s black hole is coming up (also known as Vayikra), but I say BRING IT ON!!! The only pressure is maintaining my day job while leaning obsessively over my computer, typing frantically. The eight stories for Chanukah were while my wife was away in Israel with one child for a week, so no one was there to say, “Come to sleep already.” I hope to do something similar for Pesach.
Sounds like a good way to get out of Pesach cleaning, if you can get away with it. Are the stories all new, or did you have some material prepared already?
Some of Bereishit was from the stories for my kids from last year, but only one story per week. I knew it was good if I found it in a corner of my bedroom (hand scrawled) and it made me laugh a year later. Everything else is hot off the presses.
Your wife writes some and your children have contributed too. Tell us more about them and how they are involved.
My wife is a professional writer, so the stories come easily to her. She has a degree in science journalism and writes reading books (nonfiction) for children, among other things. If I’m fleshing out a story, she may suggest something, and then I’ll say, “so write it yourself.” And then it becomes a fun project. My two older kids (Judah, age 10, Abby, age 
will have an idea, and so I have them put it on paper, and when it goes online, that just makes their day. It’s great for their imagination, and it helps them to approach the Torah from a fresh perspective.
What Jewish bloggers do you read? Any comments about the Jblogosphere?
Treppenwitz, MominIsrael (is that a hat tip?), Muqata, Chayyei Sarah, and my guilty pleasure, Dov Bear. I will wander occasionally among others. My new favorite is DavidontheLake. Fun stuff. Sometimes AskShifra makes me laugh. I think this is a great forum for the dissemination of ideas, although I think it shouldn’t be taken so seriously.
How are your sister- and brother-in-law adjusting to Israel? Any chance you will be joining them?
They’re doing great. They made aliyah this past summer to Mitzpeh Netofa in the Gallil. My sister is in Modi’in. No immediate plans for Aliyah. The Maggid of Netanya? I don’t think so.
What is your profession, and does it influence your writing in any way?
I am a pediatrician. In short, I am a large child. I don’t think that anyone who knows me well would dispute that. And does that help with the stories? Well, to quote the Maggid, “It takes one to know one.”
What will you do when the year is over? Can we look forward to a series on the haftarah?
I would continue with the parsha on some level, but I was thinking about the Siddur. We’ll see.
I suggest that you publish your blog as a book when you are done. Remember to give me credit.
Thanks. I’m very liberal with credit. If you want, we can put your picture on the jacket cover.
Great! Thank you very much for your responses. I invite my readers to check out the Maggid and give him some feedback. Comments welcome here too.
Interview with SephardiLady of Orthonomics
Read more on Looking Forward to Vayikra: An Interview with the Maggid…
Since Jewish Blogmeister indicated here (check the comments) that he won’t be interviewing any female Jbloggers, I decided to take up the gauntlet (only I don’t promise to stay on my side of the mechitza!). I started with Sephardi Lady of Orthonomics, who discusses her hobbies, the tuition crisis, abuse in our communities, borekas, and how she came to write about economics and Orthodox Jewish life. Enjoy!
Sephardi Lady, for a young woman you seem to have a lot of financial know-how topped with a greater than average measure of common sense. Your blog is on countless blogrolls and is linked to constantly, and gets comments from well-known names in our community. What life experience do you bring to a discussion of economics and the Orthodox community?
While nearly all of my work experience has taken place outside of the community, I have an interest in household finance and small business that has opened my eyes and ears to issues faced in our own communities. I’ve been on a shul financial committee, so I’m aware of some of the institutional challenges out there. I’ve also helped many young people and young couples with their budgeting, taxes, and more. So between running our own household finances like a well oiled machine, and knowing a little bit about other people’s financial situations, I think that I’m sufficiently close to “the front line.”
How did you think of that clever name, “Orthonomics”?
When I finally decided to put my hat in the ring, so to speak, the name just came to me. Too bad other ideas are not so forthcoming.
What have you learned since the birth of your children?
What haven’t I learned? I think the most amazing thing about being a parent is just how deep of an emotional connection you have to your own flesh and blood. I think this took me by surprise. I really had no idea how strong that bond is, and it bring a whole new dimension to certain parts of the Torah. Another thing that I have noted is just how trying being a parent can be. There were certain bad middot that I fought with and thought that I had essentially buried, until my kids pushed the wrong buttons and I realized those middot haven’t actually been buried. Chazal tells us that it takes a lifetime to change a middah. The sages were not kidding!
How do you fit blogging and commenting on other blogs around the demands of small children?
With a new baby in the house, I’m finding it harder to fit blogging in. Plus, we’ve recently been going a lot of places: the library, the park, and the regular errands. But, I enjoy writing about issues I care about. And, when a thought comes to mind, I will type it up and find time to complete the thoughts when I’m having some “down time.” Commentings is a lot easier than blogging. I can type with one hand and tend to do so while holding the baby and serving breakfast or lunch. There aren’t too many other mothers at home. And, I guess blogging is my view into the adult world.
What other hobbies do you have, assuming you have the time?
I really enjoy cooking. It fits well into my life as a homemaker. And, my husband appreciates this hobby too. My other hobbies are a lot harder to maintain. I love athletic activity, but due to tough deliveries, I am unable to return to the level of athleticism that I would love to return to. So, while I work out, I don’t think I will be setting any records any time soon. My other hobby is playing classical piano. Here too, I have a hard time playing with the level of perfection I expect from myself. Somehow, it is difficult to play when a toddler joins in and turns the pages.
Are both you and your husband from a Sephardic tradition?
Hashem must have had us matched before birth. When I left home for the first time I found myself among Jewish peers, many of whom were Sephardi. The rationalism of the Rambam and differences in outlook regarding halacha and communal policy appealed to me; the traditions fascinated me; the decorum in the Beit Knesset impressed me; and the food, well, what can I say, a boreka beats a gefilte fish hands down. When my then shidduch date revealed to me that he was Sephardi, scared I might harbor some negative sterotypes, and I responded enthusiastically, the deal was sealed. Together, we are committed to continuing and preserving Sephardi minhag and halacha. And, I’m even looking forward to having grandchildren named after me, in my lifetime, iy”h.
You were the one who wrote the letter to Rabbi Horowitz that got an interesting discussion going about the extent of abuse in the Orthodox community. Where would you like to see the discussion go from here?
I am an action oriented person. So, ultimately, I’d like to see some action taken. And, I think that eventually action will be taken. But, G-d willing it will be taken up voluntarily, rather than forced upon the community in an embarrassing way that weakens faith in the community and its leaders.
In your opinion, what is the biggest factor in the tuition crisis? What do you think can be done to help resolve it, if possible?
Day schools and yeshivot are vital to health of the Torah community. While there are some alternatives out there for individuals (e.g. homeschooling), I don’t think there are any good alternatives for the masses. I’m afraid that we are already playing defense, but hope to see some offensive action taken.
What do you most enjoy about blogging, and what have you learned from your experience in the Jblogosphere?
Thank you for your thoughtful responses. And take it from me–stay away from those borekas 
.
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