Me, Me, Me

Ilana-Davita interviewed me at her blog, as part of a series on Israeli bloggers.

At least one reader caught my name in the current issue of Parents Magazine in an article on parenting around the world.  Thank you to the many readers who contributed to the lively discussion on What Defines Israeli Parenting, one of the best discussions on this site. The reporter  mentioned the “quiet hour” Between Two and Four, along with Robin‘s comment about pressure to have at least three children. The article will go online eventually. By the way Robin is in a contest; please vote for Robin’s photography here, no registration required.

My review of Mitzvah Girls, by Ayala Fader, will be published in a journal in October. Unfortunately you’ll have to pay to read it online, buy the journal or actually go to a physical library. Eventually I will post my thoughts here along with publishing details. The review, along with some technical blogging issues and our successful blogging event last week, is why I haven’t been blogging much.

The Rebbetzin’s Husband has posted Haveil Havalim, which included one of my posts (in keeping with the theme).

Wishing all of you a good week.

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Exclusive Interview with a Former Kannai, Part II: The Community

This is Part II of an interview with Rabbi Moshe Yossef, a former kannai who lived in the anti-Zionist community in Jerusalem for many years. In Part I, he tells of his personal experiences. Below he responds to  questions about the kannai community.

How do people survive economically without governmental benefits? Are there outside donations?
The bulk of the people in these communities, especially here in Jerusalem, live very, very simply.

Their communal institutions, which accept no money from the State of Israel, receive a small amount of support from the Satmar Hasidic group in the USA.  There are still kannaim living here without having accepted Israeli citizenship.  They do not receive any benefits from the State, including (state-organized) medical insurance.

What do you admire about them? Concerns?

I have always believed that anyone who lives by their convictions, even if these convictions should be wrong, is to be admired for their courage.

There is a fine line of distinction between genuine zeal and hot-headedness.  It takes a higher person to be a real kannai.  The source in the Torah for the term kannai is the incident with Pinchas.  Hashem himself testified (in the Torah) to the fact that Pinchas did what he did not because he was a hot-head, but purely out of a genuine feeling of wanting to stand up for what is right.  My concern is that there has always been, and will always be, a small fringe who call themselves kannaim, but who actions are not based on true and sincere motives.

Is the role of women and girls different from that in the mainstream haredi community? At what age do girls marry? What kind of jobs do employed women hold?

The womenfolk of the kannaim abide by a dress code which is somewhat stricter than that of the mainstream Haredi community.  Their educational institutions are also geared to place more emphasis on being a good mother, and less on academic achievement and career orientation.

How many children?

The families I knew had an average of about 12-20 children.

Do most women wear shalim (cloaks)? Have you seen women with their faces veiled? [This topic has come up on the blog previously.]

I am not familiar with the word: “shalim”.  In the Haredi world, (married) women’s head coverings could consist of a tichel (scarf), hat (or beret), sheitel (wig) or a combination of a sheitel and a hat.  Amongst the kannaim only a tichel (specific types at that).

I have never seen any Jewish women with their faces covered.  My wife was just talking to a neighbor of ours about this issue.  She (the neighbor) says she has seen a few ba’alot teshuva (returnees to Orthodox Judaism) women in Beit Shemesh covering their faces. This has nothing to do with kanaut, but misguided individuals who lack a strong background or direction in finding their way back to their faith.

Do you think that the community will continue as it is or are there signs that times are changing? What trends have you noticed?

During our Pilot Trip to Jerusalem in June 1994, shortly before we settled here, I looked up an old friend of mine.  We spoke about the Old Times – 1978-1983, when we had learned together in yeshiva, and, amongst other things, the “wars” between the factions in the Holy City.  (In those days attending a demonstration in Israel meant literally taking one’s life in one’s hands.  It took a great deal of courage and conviction to stand up for one’s beliefs then).

He told me that times had changed since then: “Today there are no real kannaim, as we knew them, and no real Zionists as we knew them.  Both groups have become fewer in number, and those who remain are not, as a rule, willing to live by the same degree of dedication as their predecessors.  The wars of today had become a shadow of what they had been.  People today, on both sides of the fence, are more inclined to just want to live a quiet life.

What misperceptions about the community would you like to clarify?

Sadly, it has always been a tradition here in Israel that the media feels some sort of duty to knock down Haredim in general, at any opportunity, all the more so the kannaim, and to describe them as extreme, wild fanatics, who don’t at all belong in the real world.  I believe that this is based in some part on ignorance, but also on hate.  In some cases I have to say that I find the media relating to these people in a way which is downright anti-semitic.

I have almost never seen any attempt by the press to report on kannaim, without choosing to represent them all as: ‘Neturei Karta’ (lit. Guardians of the City) – a small group consisting in fact of probably no more than a few dozen families world-wide.  In fact the only exception to this was an article in a Haredi publication, which was still not altogether accurate.  The world would be a better place if journalists would refrain from writing about issues they know nothing about.

Rabbi Yossef, thank you again for enlightening my readers.

Interview with Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch on Troubled Teens
Interview with Sephardi Lady of Orthonomics

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Exclusive: Interview with a Former Kannai, Part I

In my series on Pashkevilim, I gave highlights of a lecture about the community of anti-Zionist kannaim, or  zealots, in Jerusalem. @Jewnet invited me to interview her husband Moshe Yossef, a former kannai,  for an insider’s view.

I’ve divided the interview into two parts.  Part I is about Rabbi Moshe Yossef himself and his experiences. In Part II, he answers general questions about the community. My questions are in bold, and Rabbi Yossef’s answers are in blue.

What is your Jewish background?

Rabbi Yossef responds: I was born into a traditional, modern, orthodox background. At the age of eighteen I went in search of something more meaningful to me, and found it here in Jerusalem, where I spent the next five years, and where I came back to settle in later life.

How did you end up in the community of the Eidah Haredit? What drew you to it? How long did you spend there and what were you doing at the time?

Actually, I was never affiliated with the Eidah Haredit (although I followed their ideology).  What is more, they do not, to my knowledge, have an official community as such, but rather a following from amongst a cross-section of families which span several communities: some Hasidic, some Lithuanian, some Jerusalemite.  The common denominator is a degree of zealousness in ideology, and a willingness to follow the halachic rulings of the Eidah Haredit Beit Din (Jewish Court).

Which community exactly were you part of?

I found my place amongst the Karliner Chassidim of Jerusalem.  As I have explained, within the group there were some kannaim (zealots), as well as many who were not.  Non-kannaim are generally referred to as Agudists (after the Agudat Yisrael party, for whom they vote).

Were you accepted? Ever made to feel like an outsider?

That is an interesting question.  For my part, I certainly not only felt part of the group, but rather – the group was my family, and there was nothing I would not have done for them.

On the whole, I felt at home and accepted by the group.  There came a time, however, when I was to discover the limits of my “acceptance.”  When I reached marriageable age, and someone (outside the group) tried to propose a match for me with a girl from an inside family, not only was the proposal declined, but a few unsavory elements within the group behaved very unpleasantly.  Even though the Rebbe (spiritual leader) of the group brought these individuals to task as soon as he heard about the affair, the experience shook me up, and things never felt the same for me after that.

Is there anything that surprised you about the community?

What surprised me about this affair was that prior to it, I had believed that anyone who applied him/herself and successfully learned how to live like the members of the group, would be totally accepted.  I knew that I spoke their language (Yiddish) fluently, dressed like them, knew their Hasidut and prayers even better than they did themselves….I learned that (almost) all people are human, with human failings and weaknesses, and that life is not black and white but shades of grey.

There is a very important point I would like to make, in order to understand what being a kannai means: there is no precise, black and white definition of what constitutes a kannai.  Rather, there are degrees or shades of how far a person chooses to go, in limiting any interaction between himself and anything representative of the State of Israel.

Why did you leave, and how did your friends respond? Do you still have contact with some of the kannaim?

I was persuaded that the time had come in my life to go back to chutz la’aretz (outside of Israel) for a while.  My friends here never really believed I would go, or if I did, that it would be for long.  In fact, twelve years passed until I next entered the country – on a Pilot Trip with my wife.  Since returning, I keep in occasional touch with a select group of my old friends.

How have your beliefs changed from when you were part of the kannai community?

OK. The the first factor was that, at some point I switched yeshivas, and I learned an important concept in the new place.  I was taught, in the name of one of the Sages of Israel of around 80-90 years ago, who said, in relation to kannaut, that none of us has the right to say: this way is right and that way is wrong, any more than it would not be correct to say Tosaphot got the correct meaning in the Talmud whilst Rashi got it wrong (or vice versa). The reason this was a particularly powerful statement was because the Sage who stated it was himself one of the greatest of kannaim!

This laid the ground for the real change, which actually came about later, in chutz la’aretz (outside of Israel). As part of my overall shift from seeing the world, as I did when I was younger, in shades of black and white, but later realizing that it actually consists of shades of grey.  I cannot go into detail within the context of this interview, but it is harder to combat the wicked, and wickedness itself, when ones sees an element of G-dliness in all things – both good and evil. It goes without saying that the method of combat must be altered, but besides that, the whole objective of the battle is changed.  Instead of seeking to defeat the enemy, one must seek to win him over.  In fact, the ‘enemy’ is not really an enemy at all, but merely takes on the appearance of such.

This probably sounds confusing – to comprehend it completely and in depth involves the understanding of some basic kabbalistic issues.  So I am sorry if you are sorry you asked. In any event, I would describe myself today neither as kannai nor Agudist – I neither have, nor do I desire to have, any label’.

Rabbi Yossef, thank you for sharing your insights and experiences. In Part II, Rabbi Yossef answer questions about the daily life of the community, trends, and possible concerns.

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New Jewish Book for Pre-Teens: Review and Interview

An interview with the author appears below.

Chaya Rosen is a young woman living in Israel. She recently published Backstage with CBC: The Chaverim Boys Choir Live (Targum Press), a book for religious preteens.

Each chapter of Chaverim describes a member of the fictional choir, the boy’s family situation and a personal challenge he encounters: One is under pressure to help his mother with his younger siblings, one loses his grandfather, and another recognizes an unpleasant truth about himself.

Rosen describes the feelings of the children as each one learns his lesson, and I think children will identify with them. The central character, choirmaster Daniel, holds the book together. But he is idealized too much for my taste.

When a sister is jealous of her brother’s participation in the choir no reason is stated, as it’s meant to be understood that Orthodox girls won’t sing publicly. Chaverim is published by Targum Press and has a specific audience in mind.

Each chapter begins with the names and ages of the children in the family, even those that don’t appear in the story. Since the author went to the trouble of choosing the names, I’ll comment on them. The oldest children in two of the families have secular names, while the rest have traditional Hebrew or Yiddish names. Are these families supposed to be baalei teshuva (religious returnees)?

A third family has two daughters named Orit and Basya. Now I’ve never heard of an Orit being called Oris, and it’s hard to imagine a family with a Basya even considering the Israeli name Orit. Orit is older, so maybe the family became ashkenazis, or ashkenazis American,  in the interim?  (The t in Orit and the s in Basya are the same letter in Hebrew; the pronunciation depends on the community.)

It’s clear that much effort went into writing and editing Chaverim. Sometimes you can see where Rosen tried too hard, like substituting for “said” too often. But Rosen’s talent and enthusiasm for her characters and stories shine through.

Chaya Rosen kindly answered my questions by email:

1. When did you get the idea to write a book of stories? I’ve wanted to be an author since I was little. I have been writing stories in notebooks for years now!
2. What kind of books do you like to read? Is there one in particular that inspired you? I really like to read pretty much everything! I have a nice collection of books, and I get library books every two weeks. There is no book that I can think of that especially inspired me, but I think that every book I’ve read (or article, or the back of a cereal box!) has inspired me in one way at least – in my writing, and in my day-to-day life.
3. What other interests do you have? I have lots of hobbies. I love acting, reading, and writing most of all, but I also enjoy drawing and singing. I like observing people, too!
4. When did you make aliyah? Can you tell us about your experience? We made Aliyah when I was nine years old. I remember it pretty clearly. I was very excited and looking forward to living in Eretz Yisrael. We’ve actually moved around many times. For the most part, I remember moving as something fun, exciting, like an adventure.
5. What made you decide to write about a boys’ choir? I was sitting in my bedroom about two years ago, reading. I had just received my first music CD of my own, ever – Miami Boys Choir’s “One By One”. Suddenly, at a particularly good solo, I looked up from my book and thought, “Hold on for a second, that’s a kid singing this. In order to sing it, he had to practice. But he also, obviously, has a family, and friends, and a life – and his own problems, too. In short, he’s a kid just like me. But on the other hand…he has to practice, perform, record…” The mixture between a “regular” kid and a “choir” kid intrigued me. I thought about it a lot. He was “famous” yet “normal”. He had concert tours, yet he had to do homework, too.

Finally I sat down and started to write. I wrote a forty-page story about a choir kid, but then it ended, and I got pretty upset it was over. I told my best friend that I enjoyed writing about choir kids so much – I wanted to continue. She answered calmly, “So write a book about choir kids!” The rest, as they say, is history.

6. What is your next project? I’ve written a few sequels to the book, but I don’t know if any of them will ever get published. In the meantime, I am working on a couple of new books with different characters and themes that I am enjoying writing.
7. I don’t think I would have had the guts to publish a book at your age. Has there been criticism of the book, and how have you handled that?
   For the most part, Baruch Hashem, the comments have been positive. After the book was published, a couple of technical mistakes were found. Well, that’s how we learn!
8. How long did it take from the time you seriously began to write until the book was published? I started the first story that I told you about before (the forty page one) about two years ago. I began the actual book that was published about a year and a half ago.
9. Any tips for aspiring authors, teenagers and others? Firstly, you have to trust in Hashem! I daven to him when I need ideas, and miraculously, an idea always appears – from the strangest places! And you have to read a lot. I love reading. You absolutely have to have a love for books, and words, and stories – and, I’ve discovered, of people and all of Hashem’s creation. I love creating my characters, thinking about them, wondering about them, talking to them. Sometimes I even dream about them. I enjoy describing the places that my characters go to, or live in. I like picturing my characters out of the book’s settings – I find that helps me get to know them. If I’m bored, or stuck in a doctor’s waiting room or something, I talk to them, wonder what they’d do if they were there. I’m always interested about everything going on. You have to keep your eyes and ears open – Hashem will always send you a good idea!
10. What kind of feedback have you gotten? Baruch Hashem, people have really been enjoying the book! My favorite feedback has been when people tell me they enjoy the realism of the characters – probably, because they feel so real to me!

Chaya, thank you for answering the questions and we wish you a lot of success.

Another talented young Jewish woman: The editor of Yaldah Magazine.

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Interview: A Christian Mother in Israel

Melissa, originally from England, lives in Nazareth with her Christian-Arab husband and their six children. She graciously answered my questions by email.

Melissa, where were you born? I grew up in St. Albans, Hertfordshire, a small city about 40 minutes drive north of London.

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Teens, Sex and Eating Disorders: An Interview with the Therapy Doc

Never one to turn down free professional advice, I didn’t hesitate when blogger Therapy Doc suggested an interview here on my blog. Coincidentally, while “visiting” my blog TD and her husband are in Israel visiting their son in yeshiva; see here (the end of the post) and here.

Feel free to leave questions for Therapy Doc in the comments. My own questions are in bold.

How did you manage the demands of work vs. family when your children were small?
How did I juggle work and family? A lot didn’t get done.
My kids would probably say I put patients first, and that’s true. My kids seemed okay, but my patients did not.

But it’s not so simple. Both require quite a bit of attention. I was the parent that slithered in at the back of the auditorium late for the school play or for whatever ceremony they had (and they used to have tons of those) and the one who never participated in PTA.

I was extremely lucky, poo, poo, poo, kineyenhara (these are anti-voodoo measures) in that my first degrees seemed to prefer Benevolent Neglect. It’s my world view that the less input the better, when people are struggling to determine who they are. People (see, kids are just small people) subliminally know who they are and it’s their job and delight to fine-tune that. The line, “You had your life” is one of my favorites.

Parents and teachers, of course, should help, should make suggestions based upon obvious aptitudes. They should look out for real potential and encourage a child’s aspirations. I think it’s good to let them try, however, to do the things they think they want to do, even when you’re pretty sure they’ll fail.

And you can’t coach too much. Children who get a steady diet of coaching tend to tune it out. Wouldn’t you?

How did you meet your own personal needs during that time?
What? I had personal needs?

What was your biggest challenge as a mother of school-aged children? A mother of teens? As a grandmother?
We all have them, challenges, and I’m grateful for them. I’ve been pulled in so many directions (including east, Jerusalem). I think deciding where to establish my life and the lives of my children, Israel or America, surely took up a lot of RAM. Still does.

As a parent of school-aged children, I was mostly on the lookout for their emotional health, which was hard because, in case you haven’t noticed, kids fight, and kids are mean, and if they’re stopped in one way, they’ll get you another.

The challenge with teens for me didn’t have anything to do with my own children who seemed pretty well put together and talked to us freely (when they weren’t not talking to us).

My worries were about their friends, so we always had kids over, talked to them when they would let us, encouraged them to hang out at our house. I didn’t have this concept of bad influence. All children are good. They need more influence to get through life. They’re all our children.

Everyone knows (if they’ve been reading my blog) that my greatest challenge as a grandmother is managing my feelings of separation.

A word to other grandmothers, those who do have the opportunity to mentor and enjoy their ainiclech (grandchildren) every day, every week: Be sensitive to those of us who miss ours.

What do you think is the biggest concern of parents today? In the Orthodox Jewish community? Are there issues that should be getting more attention?
Probably the hardest and most important challenge for parents today is teaching kids about healthy relationships and sex. (Use the word, go ahead, it’ll free you.) They’re exposed to so much that is NOT healthy. It’s in the air, the shmutz. It’s everywhere.

Are eating disorders becoming more common and do you have any suggestions for preventing them?
I don’t know if they’re more common or not. I worked with a professor at Hebrew University and translated a study that compared anorexia in the kibbutz from the fifties to the sixties and seventies. Anorexia was virtually nonexistent on the early kibbutzim, where a person’s worth had to do with how much he could give, not how good he could look. In the sixties, when Israel became more industrialized, this changed. Now, of course, anorexia and the other eating disorders, including obesity, are prevalent and have been for years.

To prevent it, I tell parents to eat well themselves, shun the garbage, exercise, and MOST important, teach their daughters real sports at a young age. Let them throw the ball, run the bases, enjoy their bodies. It’s more about being in touch with one’s body and what feels good than anything else (except when there are really good psychological reasons, and I’m not going there today). Empty feels Good.

What do you mean by that?
I think most of us like that empty feeling. We feel good after a fast, we feel good when we’re hungry after exercise. We feel good in the morning, too, before we eat. Some of us don’t like breakfast for that very reason.

It’s one of the reasons that those who really like food, but stay thin, take their eating slowly. They take the time to savor, to enjoy the sense of taste. Kids who are “anorexic” as teenagers often stop voluntary fasting (anorexia) when they get married. That’s another story, and sure, I’ll get to the eating disorders one day. For now suffice it to say that eating is healthy. Not eating is healthy. It’s a matter of timing.

Any words of wisdom for those of us with challenging teenagers?
Yeah. Keep an eye on them. Buy a leash. And listen to them without falling to that temptation to answer back. Always ask another question. Assume you know NOTHING. They often think that you do.

And get therapy, sure. For everybody.

Therapy Doc, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us. Enjoy the rest of your trip.

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