The phenomenon of Orthodox single women who choose to have babies on their own has been around for a while. Gilit Chomski of Ynet interviews some of the mothers, as well as rabbis who have ruled on the subject. A few passages in the long article that stood out for me.
First, there was this:
[When] the eldest and beautiful daughter of a religious family with an aristocratic rabbinical background in a city in northern Israel . . . realized that her time was running out and [she] couldn’t find a match, she waited for her last sister to get married so as not to ruin her matchmaking, and took action. She looked for a dance club in the city and went out there once or twice, until she met a good-looking secular man. She waited seven clean days, went to the mikveh, and got pregnant once or twice later. When the guy accused her of deceiving him, she admitted that she simply wanted a child. Today that child is married with children and is a prominent figure in the sector.
When I first read it, I found the idea astounding: A woman who has been raised her whole life to be celibate and not even touch a man before marriage, meets a man in a dance hall for the purpose of getting pregnant, then returns to a celibate life (presumably). But if the child is already grown this happened a while ago and is probably more common than I realized.
Chomski also brings up the psychological health of children raised by single mothers:
The child’s welfare may not be the banner the objectors seek to raise. A study published by the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners in Britain showed, for example, that the most successful children – both intellectually and psychologically – were raised by two mothers. Moreover, there are children who have already grown up and live among us, and we could just ask them. S., who is married to a man who was raised by a single mother, says frankly, “Naturally, I thank God for his birth, but it’s apparent that he was not raised in a regular family. He’s hurt. He doesn’t have intuitions which come naturally for others. He doesn’t really know what a man does. “When we had a child, things were very difficult for me after the birth. The burden was not shared between us naturally. He wanted to do everything that I did, and it suddenly occurred to me that he sees his fatherhood as motherhood.”
Finally, there is the question of whether a halachic ruling allowing women to conceive without getting married should have been publicized. Some rabbis criticize Rabbi Yuval Cherlow for publicizing his lenient ruling, instead of permitting single motherhood privately on a case-by-case basis.
Perhaps it’s easier to allow it in utmost discretion, without requiring a declaration which undermines the values of the traditional family.
[Rabbi Cherlow responds] “If this is Halacha, why hide it? A halachic debate must be public. The burden of proof lies on those seeking to hide. Beyond that, lack of publicity gives the Rabbinate a great amount of power. This is not a desired situation. The right situation is an open debate, while dealing with the questions being raised. In addition, the absence of a clear statement sometimes generates urban legends, which have nothing to do with reality.”
According to Rabbi Cherlow, the connection between Halacha and science must be public as well. “There is a rabbi who offers women an alternative in the form of freezing eggs until they reach an old age. I find this outrageous. First of all, it’s an illusion. The chance that 10 eggs would be removed from a 37-year-old woman’s body and that one of them would conceive a child is zero. Second, it puts the woman in danger. We are talking about very unpleasant months for the woman, to say the least, under general anesthesia and a life-threatening situation, not to mention the immodesty in the entire process.”
What about the child’s benefit? There are those who say this is cruel.
“I find this argument invalid. The child’s benefit is a modern-Western argument, which does not exist in Judaism and doesn’t hold water. There’s no doubt that the best thing for a child is to grow up in a regular family with a father and mother, and there is no argument about that. But can anyone guarantee anything to a child born to a regular family? I can give you 10 types of normative families, which could have allegedly been forbidden to have a child because it’s not in his benefit.
Related Posts:
Abortion in the Religious Zionist Community
Genetic Testing in the Religious Zionist Community
This is from the Facebook page of Gornisht KeCharedi Gamur, who got his start leaving entertaining “talkbacks” on articles in the Hebrew press relating to Charedim. Very few people know his identity, but it’s clear he understands the charedi world very well. I wrote to him, and he says he doesn’t know the source of the chart.
The chart lists common segulot—or good-luck charms—such as hanging a photo of a righteous rabbi, hosting an “Amen” party, travelling to Amuka, or dipping in the mikveh for 40 consecutive days. and rates them according to various criteria.
Example: Traveling to Oman (the grave of Rabbi Nachman of Breslav, in the Ukraine)
| Purpose | All |
| Price | Very expensive |
| Level of Difficulty | Light |
| Effectiveness | Depends |
| Embedded Mitzvah | Prayer for Travelers |
| Embedded Sin | Loans with interest |
| Target population | Legume eaters (i.e. because of difficulty of finding kosher food) |
| Trendiness | Hysterical |
| Time of implementation | When the lights have finished (I think this is because Breslavers are always looking for light) |
| User experience | Lights |
| “Genre” | Bizarre, spiritual, social |
| Self service | Only our rabbi |
| Source of custom | Popular |
| Option for expansion | Gan Sofia |
| Alternative | Remain a proud Sephardi |
Related: Speed All You Want, Just Give a Small Donation First
Some of the controversy surrounding Takana’s warning against Rabbi Moti Elon revolved around whether he broke the law or not, since the students were said to be over eighteen. Now the Jerusalem Post reports that the police have found evidence to support prosecuting Rabbi Mordechai (Moti) Elon and have passed it to the Jerusalem District Prosecutor.
Evidence was found alleging Elon committed indecent acts with two minors, one of them by force.
Police had recently reopened the investigations after a former student of the charismatic rabbi accused him of sexual abuse.
An investigation had been opened against Elon about six months ago, but officers could not determine whether he had consensual relations with adult students or had committed a criminal act, Channel 10 reported.
The allegations first came to light in February after Takana, a rabbinical forum that investigates sexual abuse in the religious community, posted a message on its Web site demanding that Elon step down from all rabbinical, teaching and community responsibilities, and warned that he was a threat to the public.
Related:
Takana and Elon: Where Was the Pity for the Victims?
The Rabbi Moti Elon Scandal: What Can We Learn?
“Nurse Yachne” shared the following in response to the post on Tipat Chalav: What Parents Need to Know.
Tipat Chalav (well-baby clinic) policies are often imposed top-down. About twelve years ago when I was a school nurse, we all held meetings together with the Tipat Chalav nurses. A decision had been made for the Tipat Chalav gynecologists to push the low-estrogen dose birth control pills, which incidentally cause a high rate of intermediate spotting. All of the Tipat Halav nurses happened to be religiously observant and they pointed this problem out to the staff physicians, who happened to be secular Russians. The doctors in question literally snickered and remarked that this was not a medical problem, and that the health ministry had made policy to push the low-estrogen pills as a preferred birth control method, so that was that.
The moral of the story, for me, anyway, was not to get birth control advice from a secular doctor, but to seek out OB-GYNs who are both knowledgeable about Jewish marital laws and sympathetic to our concerns.
As regards baby care and follow-up that my classmates and I observed in our clinical hours in nursing school, the mothers among us were pleasantly shocked to observe the tremendously sympathetic attitudes of the Tipat Chalav nurses in the deprived neighborhoods where we did our work.
I participated in a home visit to a mother of a baby with potential developmental problems. The nurse could not have been more encouraging and positive, reinforcing the good before offering constructive suggestions. After we left the home, she admitted, “Actually, I AM worried about this baby. But if I make the mother feel bad about herself, then she won’t come back to us, and I want us to stay in touch.”
My classmates participated in a clinic visit by a mother who had been a heroin addict at the time she became pregnant. The nurse was very encouraging that the mother had gotten off heroin (“Do you miss it? Kol hakavod (kudos) to you, you must really care about your baby! Any time you have any questions or problems, please do get in touch with us, we’re here for you.”).
The mothers among us reflected that it would have been nice to have gotten that kind of positive supportive contact when we brought our babies in, and that in many cases WE had been made to feel that we were suspect heroin addicts! That was 20 years ago. I don’t know how it is elsewhere, but my personal experience with subsequent babies was that they had made a major policy decision to be supportive and positive. They are certainly very pro- breastfeeding, and knowledgeable in this regard. The place is obviously low-budget, but it is very determinedly cheery and pleasant to visit nowadays.
It’s not perfect, but they are working on it. Also, no mother is turned away for an inability to pay the fees, though they would prefer that people ask for help in payment, which is evidently always forthcoming if there is a need.
Any large institution has good and bad sides. But large institutions can accomplish things that the individual could not. At its best, Tipat Chalav can be very empowering, all those client moms and nurse moms sharing info and wisdom and positive vibes. At its worst, they can be intimidating, scary, and closed-minded, but that, as I said, is changing, and the people in charge WANT things to change.
You may also enjoy:
Tipat Chalav: What Parents Need to Know
Screaming Babies Ignored in Maternity Ward
Breastfeeding Late Preterm Babies
Posts on Parenting at “A Mother in Israel”
I’ve arrived in New York City after an uneventful trip, except for an extremely sore foot.
In other news, mazal tov to blogger Jon Degani and his wife on the birth of a baby boy.
The Rebbetzin’s Husband is hosting Haveil Havalim.
Muqata reports on a class-action suit against bottled-water producers in Israel over safety issues.
Check out my guest post on hosting large meals over at the excellent the singles’ blog HaBitza–Date Like a Mentsch.
Gila of Aliyah by Accident fills a gap in children’s literature with Congratulations! You’re a Little Brother.
Ima2Seven criticizes Marjorie Ingall’s attack on mommybloggers.
My two oldest sons are training in the south and come home every week or two. My teens are finished with school, and one is about to start a ten-day course for counselors (mashatzim). My younger two still have another week left. After that I am taking them to New York, along with my older daughter, to visit my father and siblings.
Here are some articles for your summer reading pleasure:
Over at Israeli Kitchen, I wrote about keeping a supply of emergency water.
On Cooking Manager, Stay Cool by Drinking Tap Water.
If you ever wondered about whether babies need extra fluids in the summer, see Keep Your Baby Safe and Hydrated in the Summer Heat at Green Prophet.
Haveil Havalim is up at Frume Sarah’s.
More summery posts from A Mother in Israel:
Did you miss Memories of a Bathing Suit, about my conversation with an old friend?
I’ve Been H.A.D. on my strong feelings regarding heat waves.
Free and Inexpensive Family Day Trips in Israel, a guest post by Robin.
(Mis)Adventures in International Travel, part of a series (that I hope won’t get continued).
I wrote School Expenses in 2006, but haven’t yet updated amounts.
And it’s definitely not too early to start thinking about schoolbooks.
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