RaggedyMom showed me this CNN story about developing children’s social maturity. In a fourteen-year study, the preschool children of mothers who described a picture using emotional language showed more empathy and better social skills when they got older.
It is important to encourage children to think about others’ feelings from a young age. However, I was dismayed by the first line of the article:
Mothers often get blamed for the way their children turn out, and a new study gives additional weight to that accusation.
Let’s stop blaming mothers, who make mistakes like everyone else. Most of the time they are acting in a way prescribed by our culture, which, the last I heard, is comprised of both sexes. Could you imagine a newspaper using similar language to introduce a study about some unknown benefit of breastfeeding?
Mothers looking to build up career skills while taking a break from the work force might enjoy this post by Trent at The Simple Dollar, listing six neglected skills that can be transferred to practically any job.
Tom Hodgkinson writes about the reaction to his article, The Idle Parent, and gives ideas of ways parents can disconnect from the outside world and connect with the family. Shabbat is mentioned.
Finally, Miriam Adahan shares techniques for dealing with children’s anger on Chabad.org.
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I wrote about keeping babies hydrated in hot weather at Green Prophet.
Squawkfox compiled a list of the best frugal advice from 41 bloggers, dividing them into categories and adding eye-catching graphics. You can see them all here.
And in the spirit of frugality, Batya at me-ander presents the “discount” edition of Haveil Havalim, the Jewish/Israel blog carnival.
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How can you stay home with your baby and not end up in the loony bin? Below list the strategies that helped me the most. I believe they are helpful for employed mothers, and fathers too—they are ways of coping with the intense demands of parenting and balancing your needs and the needs of your family. When my oldest was born I decided to stay home with him, because I believed it to be the best thing for my him. And I set out to make it the best thing for me too. Here are some things that I did:
- Find a community. I looked for friends with babies as soon as mine was born. You won’t always find friends with children close to yours in age, but the community is more for you than your baby. Keep looking. If you can’t find a mother-baby group, start your own. And you don’t have to limit your circle to stay-at-home mothers, or even to mothers. Having been in school for so long we are used to having a large group of friends at our own age and stage. This is a good time to expand your horizons. You can learn a lot from the perspective of an experienced grandmother.
- Avoid activities requiring you to be somewhere at a particular time. I chose to stay home with my kids to enjoy a relaxed lifestyle for me and my children. (We’ll leave aside the temper tantrums, breakage, and harrowing escapes.) For me this meant delaying preschool, choosing volunteer and social commitments wisely, and avoiding carpools.
- Have a routine, but be flexible. Getting up and going to sleep at the same time is important. So is scheduling time for household chores.
- Vary activities. Have time for quiet, play, art, music, stories, outdoor activities, etc. It’s not necessary to do every activity every day, but over time kids should have opportunity for all of these. Too many days in a row either staying home, meeting the same friends, or going on long excursions can get frazzling, too.
- Plan the best time of day for the activities that you enjoy. It might be when the toddler naps, when two children are playing happily together, or even early in the morning while everyone is asleep. When things finally settle down after a crazy day, choose a calming activity instead of rushing to do a project. Expect to be interrupted. You will have more time at some stages than at others. The newborn and toddler stages are especially intense, but they pass and you can look forward to smoother times ahead.
- Keep a gauge on your moods. When you feel overwhelmed get out of the house or call a friend. If you are in the middle of something important and your kids start getting out of control, stop what you are doing and focus on them for a few minutes or as long as necessary. This is not spoiling–this is attending to their genuine needs. If they feel you are available when they need you they won’t be bothering you “all the time.” If you are never available they will just work harder to get your attention, and ultimately become resistant to cooperating with you. This doesn’t mean you need to jump up to do their bidding every minute. Sometimes if you tell them that you will help them in a minute they figure out how to do things themselves.
- Sometimes you need to invest money to stay sane. Just because you are not working doesn’t mean that you should never hire a babysitter, get cleaning help, join a parenting group, or see a private therapist—depending on your budget. If you or your kids aren’t ready for separation, inviting a young teenager to play with the kids while you are right there or in another room might be enough to give you the break you need. Sometimes what you need most is someone coherent to talk with.
- Volunteering. Volunteering is great because you can choose what skills you want to donate and have human interaction that is not all about your kids, with a lower level of commitment than with a paying job. And you can cite your volunteer experience on your resume later on. It is still a commitment, though, and it’s important to pick the right organization and position for your temperament and situation. I chose breastfeeding counseling because my kids are always welcome at functions, I get to connect with lots of mothers, and I can develop my knowledge base and my writing, counseling, and group-leading skills.
- Choose activities with your child that you both love. I enjoy reading out loud to my kids, but I regularly purge our home library of books I find irritating. It doesn’t matter that your neighbor is teaching her kids fractions or to play the piano—your kids can learn baking or folk-dancing. Share your interests with your children on their level. And as you learn what they like, you will develop new interests too. You don’t have to be an expert to enjoy a wide range of activities.
- Involve your partner as an equal. Even though you are the primary caretaker, your husband is as important a parent as you are and should be involved in long-term decisions. He also needs the opportunity to develop a relationship with each child and with the family as a whole. Nurture your own relationship as well. Contrary to conventional wisdom this doesn’t have to mean vacationing without the kids. Take the opportunities as they come and schedule them if you need to. Strive for full and open communication.
- The identity question. One of the hardest things for me when I became a “stay-at-home mother” was the label itself, and the stereotypes that went along with it. Yet some mothers are empowered by belonging a group. Everything depends on your attitude. Do you see staying home as something negative–not earning, not developing your career? Or is it a chance to focus on nurturing and educating your children, growing both as a mother and as a person, without the pressures of pleasing a boss? Whatever you choose, it does not have to be for a lifetime.
What has helped you survive parenthood with your sanity intact? Related posts:
Tips for Planning a Cooperative Playgroup or Camp
Frugal Strategies for Young Families
Top Parenting Posts
A Parenting Dilemma
Top Breastfeeding Posts
For Those with Low Housekeeping Standards
Is Homemade Food Worth the Effort?
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Photo credit: fPat
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I have a guest post up about tandem nursing at the Mommy News Blog. Although my daughter is wearing a kippah in the accompanying picture, it’s not meant as any kind of feminist statement. At five years old she no longer wears one. Anyway, now you all know how “radical” I am/was.
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Ynet interviews Dr. Hanna Katan, religious Zionist mother of thirteen and gynecologist with a sub-specialty in fertility. Katan considers a large family to be the ideal and has served on a committe to encourage secular mothers to have more babies. Her own mother raised eight children and served as a role model for her.
When asked about combining a career with a large family, Katan responds:
“I wouldn’t recommend it. The list of priorities was always clear to me: My family comes before my career. When my daughter expressed an interest in medicine, I suggested that she study nursing and become a nurse. It’s very difficult having such a demanding profession as a woman: The unending duties on Shabbat and on holidays as well, the kindergarten birthday parties I missed.
She mentions that she did not advise any of her children, male or female, to study medicine.
Katan disagrees with the stereotype of an unhealthy, poor mother whose many children don’t get enough attention. According to Katan, studies that show disadvantages among children of large families are based on populations without the resources that Orthodox Jewish families enjoy. [My husband read somewhere that modern Orthodox Jews and fundamentalist Christians are the only educated, socio-economically stable population to raise large families.]
As a fertility specialist, Katan has helped families who struggled to get pregnant with their ninth child. When asked about lack of attention, she responds, “There is extra attention from the older siblings which smaller families lack, and it’s as important.”
For me, spacing of children is more of an issue than the number. Toddlers need their parents (ideally their mothers, if she is the primary caregiver) as much as they did when they were newborns, if not more. Couples who plan to try and conceive before their baby is a year or so need very strong support. Relationships with older siblings are wonderful but babies and toddlers are still the parents’ primary responsibility.
Of course, each family is different and spacing of children is only one factor in the success of a family.
Related posts:
Child Spacing Part 1: When Does Chinuch Begin
Child Spacing Part 2: Fertility and Parenting Styles
How Do Large Families Manage? Meet Tal and Talia, parents to a fictionalized large family.
Thanks to Jameel for sending the link.
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I was flattered to be asked to participate in “Around the World in Eighty Clicks,” founded by Katherine at Her Bad Mother and David at It’s Not a Lecture. The idea is for bloggers from eighty different countries to give five reasons why they love being mothers.
Like Katherine, I don’t love everything about motherhood nor do I feel like I’m so good at it. Especially in the midst of the pre-Passover upheaval. But I guess that makes this a good time to remember.
Five Things I Love about Being a Mother
- I love belonging to the worldwide community of mothers. I find myself connecting with other women in deep and meaningful ways, even after a short acquaintance. In this guest post I blogged about how breastfeeding connections eased my adjustment to a new country and culture.
[I can't let this post go by without mentioning the gruesome murder of an innocent child. Fear of terror attacks and the need for our sons to serve in the army give Israeli mothers an added dimension to bonding that I wish didn't exist.]
- I love observing my children as they move through predictable stages, in six different variations. Like that two-year-old stage when mothers must do things exactly the way they have always done them. For one what mattered was that I poured the milk exactly into the middle of the cereal. Another insisted on taking the same route each day.
- I love learning from them–to be more sensitive, flexible, patient, affectionate and light-hearted. Since I haven’t finished those lessons, I can look forward to loving motherhood even more.
- On good days, I love the feeling of accomplishment when dinner gets to the table on time, the kids make an interesting discovery, and I handle crises wisely. On bad days, I love when they are asleep, finally.
- I love watching them intera I love when they come over and hug me while I am sitting at the computer.
I’d like to tag Israeli bloggers Robin at Around the Island, Baila at Ill Call Baila, RivkA of Coffee and Chemo, Rickismom at Beneath the Wings, and Liza at Something, Something.
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