Emunah/Faith has seven children. And she doesn’t know how mothers with 12 manage. She is looking for laundry and cooking tips:
Laundry (quantity)
Main meals (specifically prep and clean up)
They both take up a lot of my time for my family of 9, and my kids do help. I wonder how a family, with say 12, manages. (i.e. if I do about 12 – 15 loads a wk, do they do the same proportionately or do they wash less clothes? Do their kids wear shirts more then once etc.)
I happen to write an entire blog devoted to efficient cooking atCookingManager.Com. Here’s a sample:
Avoid the Emergency Run to the Store
Eleven Tips for Easy Kitchen Cleanup
And here are two relevant posts from A Mother in Israel:
What’s There to Eat: Saving Time in the Kitchen
Efficient Shabbat Preparations (contains many tips can be used during the week as well).
As for laundry, children have to get involved. Either make them responsible for their own clothes, or for sorting/washing/hanging the family’s laundry.
Readers, please share, whether you have a large family or not .
Elana Sztokman’s response to Yael Mishali contains a beautiful description of motherhood.
Sztokman then reports on the Kolech discussion of birth control that offended Mishali:
Petrekovsky described severe mental and emotional anguish that results from all of this reproductive pressure. It should be obvious. The numbers are hard to come by, but it is clear that the system is going to eventually crash. Petrekovsky talked about her fear that many will leave religion. [MiI: Emphasis mine.] We have no statistics whatsoever on women leaving religion because all the studies on the “datlash” (formerly religious) phenomenon in Israel were done on men. Shraga Fisherman’s well-known Noar Ha-Kipot Hazrukot (Youth of the Strewn Skullcaps) research study about the 20-25% of religious youth leaving religion is all about men and not women (hence the title).
I know many women who have raised large families, and to me they seem as frum as ever if not more so. But I am intrigued. Is there anything to this concern? Do you know any mothers of many who have left yiddishkeit?
As my family grew from a small to a large one with six children, I developed efficient ways to save money. Some items that were small expenses with two small children became bigger as the family grew.
Below I present ten money-stretching strategies for young couples with a growing family. It takes discipline to stick to these guidelines, but the effort pays off over time. The benefits are not just financial.
3. Gradually train children to be responsible for themselves. With patience and encouragement they will show you when they are ready to do things on their own. Picking up after one child is not so hard, but picking up after three or four is another story. This will free up your time and energy for more fun and productive activities.
4. Cut food costs. Even a family with only two children will see its food bill double as the kids become teenagers. Young families can start by avoiding processed foods, offering babies a variety of table foods as soon as they are ready, emphasizing whole grains and legumes over a diet based on animal proteins and treats, choosing water over juice, and avoiding special meals for picky eaters.
5. Cultivate relationships with families who have similar values. You can trade babysitting, leftovers, equipment, school supplies, clothes, skills, and more. And your children will grow up knowing other adults they can count on.
6. Try and avoid daycare, or at least minimize time spent there. Daycare is one of the biggest expenses for young parents. While having both parents working full-time outside the home may generate the most income on paper, it can be stressful for the family and incur hidden costs, such as convenience foods and emergency babysitters. Consider saving on daycare costs by having one parent work from home, or on a different shift. Calculate whether the amount saved by doing things on your own (see #10) is greater than take-home pay once childcare, wardrobe, and transportation costs have been deducted.
7. Involve your children in your daily life. Parents who perceive their children as interfering in their lives end up overusing daycare or babysitters, or having to pay for convenience food and cleaning help. Never refuse an offer of help from a toddler or preschooler! Let them dust, sweep, wipe, sort, and measure, even if it makes more work for you at first. They may be cooking meals and washing floors long before they are teens.
8. When it comes to possessions, less is more. Books, balls, blocks, arts and crafts and dress-up clothes are better than the latest Fisher-Price. Celebrate birthdays and holidays with fun traditions instead of expensive gifts and exorbitant parties. Children don’t need possessions; they need to explore their curiosity, develop their skills, and establish their constructive role in the family.
9. Make home a fun place to be. This is another investment that pays off when kids grow. Read to them, play games indoors and out, and make up performances. Then they won’t need to look elsewhere for expensive entertainment.
10. Learn practical skills. A few generations ago most people did their own hair-cutting, gardening, cooking, home repairs, and sewing. The more kids you have, the more these skills pay off. Take a book out of the library and get started. Children are likely to become interested too.
What strategies have you used to save money in the long term?
How to Spend Virtually Nothing when You Have a Baby
Staying Home and Staying Sane: Tips for Balancing Your Needs with the Needs of Your Kids
Is Homemade Food Worth the Effort?
Tips for Starting a Cooperative Camp or Playgroup
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(Photo credit: Nationaal Archief)
Ynet interviews Dr. Hanna Katan, religious Zionist mother of thirteen and gynecologist with a sub-specialty in fertility. Katan considers a large family to be the ideal and has served on a committe to encourage secular mothers to have more babies. Her own mother raised eight children and served as a role model for her.
When asked about combining a career with a large family, Katan responds:
“I wouldn’t recommend it. The list of priorities was always clear to me: My family comes before my career. When my daughter expressed an interest in medicine, I suggested that she study nursing and become a nurse. It’s very difficult having such a demanding profession as a woman: The unending duties on Shabbat and on holidays as well, the kindergarten birthday parties I missed.
She mentions that she did not advise any of her children, male or female, to study medicine.
Katan disagrees with the stereotype of an unhealthy, poor mother whose many children don’t get enough attention. According to Katan, studies that show disadvantages among children of large families are based on populations without the resources that Orthodox Jewish families enjoy. [My husband read somewhere that modern Orthodox Jews and fundamentalist Christians are the only educated, socio-economically stable population to raise large families.]
As a fertility specialist, Katan has helped families who struggled to get pregnant with their ninth child. When asked about lack of attention, she responds, “There is extra attention from the older siblings which smaller families lack, and it’s as important.”
For me, spacing of children is more of an issue than the number. Toddlers need their parents (ideally their mothers, if she is the primary caregiver) as much as they did when they were newborns, if not more. Couples who plan to try and conceive before their baby is a year or so need very strong support. Relationships with older siblings are wonderful but babies and toddlers are still the parents’ primary responsibility.
Of course, each family is different and spacing of children is only one factor in the success of a family.
Related posts:
Child Spacing Part 1: When Does Chinuch Begin
Child Spacing Part 2: Fertility and Parenting Styles
How Do Large Families Manage? Meet Tal and Talia, parents to a fictionalized large family.
Thanks to Jameel for sending the link.
On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by “l”:
One problem that parents encounter is that in families where there are both older and very young children, the toddlers and infants often require many hours a day of the parents’ care and leave little time left over to work with the older ones.
I think the comment reflects misconceptions both about homeschooling and large families.
When people learn that I have six children they often say, “Wow, I could never do that.” I respond that I didn’t have them all at once. I wrote the following somewhat idealized picture of life as parents of a large family:
Let’s imagine a couple whose first baby is called Noa. A first baby takes up your whole world. Noa’s parents, Tal and Talia, examine every bowel movement with a microscope, count minutes between feedings, and agonize over which toys are most educational. This is not (only) because they are silly, doting new parents, but because they genuinely have a lot to learn about babies. There’s no shortcut for this learning and decision-making process, which continues, more or less, as Noa goes through every new stage of development.
Then little Noah comes along. Noah’s sleep patterns, temperament and bowel movements are completely different from Noa’s, but Tal and Talia already have knowledge and experience. Noa, however, is an active toddler and needs even more attention than Noah. While Noah’s needs can be met by holding and feeding, Noa needs someone to talk to her, read to her, take her outside, prepare her meals and clean up after her, and watch that she doesn’t climb up the bookcase. And she hugs Noah too hard when she thinks no one is looking. So while Tal and Talia thought taking care of one newborn was a fulltime job, taking care of both children together feels like it require superhuman powers.
[So parents with two small children might assume that adding a few older children to the mix would make a productive activity like homeschooling pretty much impossible.]
But this is only the beginning of the story. Tal and Talia adjust to having two children. Talia recovers from the birth, Noah begins to follow some sort of schedule, and Noa grows in her understanding and self-control. Sure, there are crises of all kinds such as illness, a family wedding, and a house move, but Tal and Talia get to know their kids, they learn shortcuts for household chores, and they gain confidence.
By the time little Roni comes along (a girl), things get harder before they get easier. But experience helps, and stages that a four, five or six-year-old undergoes tend to be less draining that baby/toddler issues. Every birth has its challenges, and very fussy babies can throw a wrench into family life. Still, this stage passes. Over the years Tal and Talia begin to work out their parenting style and things fall into a groove.
When the fourth child Ido is born, Tal and Talia are so experienced that they don’t worry so much about the baby. They instinctively pick him up when he cries and change diapers with one hand. When Noa was born, she interacted only with Tal and Talia. But Ido enjoys watching the older children, who can even keep an eye on him for a short time (unless the spacing is very close–I’m assuming a spacing of two to four years after the second child).
Around that time, Talia, who manages the day-to-day running of the household, decides to become much more efficient. She reads up on housekeeping subjects, consults with friends, and makes the required changes. Tal and Talia reevaluate their priorities in terms of time and money–regarding extracurricular activities, housekeeping, schooling, and food and clothing expenses. They make difficult choices, just like every other family.
At some point the balance in the family shifts when Noa can run errands on foot, help significantly with household chores, and share in the care of the younger children. The younger children are growing too–they dress and feed themselves, and manage their belongings. Even if the children are closely spaced, the older children still get to the point where they don’t require so much physical care.
When Noa becomes a teen Tal and Talia have another baby named Amit. The couple can go out for the evening, taking the baby with them and leaving the four older children at home. They have teen issues, but because they are a close family and have been sensitive to their children’s needs all along, they handle them relatively well.
Having a large family is physically and psychologically demanding. Tal and Talia are not as available for social activities. Their lifestyle is different from that of their friends with one or two children. But they do make time for each other and for the activities that are important to them, taking into account their children’s needs. They prepare for the day when their children will be grown.
In a large family, children do not get constant undivided attention. This doesn’t mean that they are neglected. There are two levels of parental care: availability, the level depending on the age and needs of the child, and one-on-one interaction, which occurs less frequently. In a large family some of the children’s needs for interaction are met by the other siblings. And a large chunk of time involves most of the family spending time together, playing or working.
I’ll let my homeschooling readers correct me if I’m wrong, but homeschooling also does not require continuous one-on-one teaching. Most Israeli homeschoolers practice “unschooling.” They don’t follow a set curriculum, but let the child set the pace. They rely on a child’s natural curiosity, providing learning materials when a child expresses interest in a particular subject. But even parents who choose a curriculum-based approach don’t sit with the child for hours on end. They might explain a concept to the child and have him work it out on his own. When a child misses school, how long does it take to make up the material? Two hours at most, and the parent does not need to sit with the child for all that time. Homeschooling is about much more, though, than curriculum, and I can think of many benefits of homeschooling for large families.
Robin, this is for you. In my previous post I mentioned having brought one suitcase for our two-week trip to New York. It weighed 21 kg (about 45 lbs) and contained everything for the four of us, in addition to our hand luggage (also as light as possible).
I knew I would be staying at my sister’s and brother’s homes. They have washing machines, so pajamas, 3-4 days worth of lightweight clothes, and Shabbat outfits (two each), sufficed. I added bathing suits and swim floats, and a duffel bag for the return trip. I didn’t shlep toothpaste or shampoo, umbrellas or jackets. My daughter and I each took one additional pair of shoes; the younger children took none. In an emergency, we could easily buy something. And I didn’t even end up wearing everything. Two booster seats and a stroller were a royal pain but didn’t count in the weight.
Another reason to pack light is to save room for the return. Besides books for the children and the book club, the seats and the stroller, I’m taking a guitar for my son and an air mattress–we hope to try camping again.
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