Last week I posted about a child put in foster care because the parents refused to follow medical avice to fatten him up with junk food. When experts could not get him to gain, they admitted that the parents weren’t the problem.
Over the years I’ve encountered many toddlers who did not eat or gain as much as they were supposed to. Before getting concerned, ask the following questions:
A word about breastfeeding toddlers: I don’t believe in delaying solids much past six months, but a small number of breastfeeding babies are satisfied with breastmilk alone for a year or more. If the child is happy, healthy, and gaining weight, there is no reason for concern. In fact, starting solids too early can lead to poor weight gain.
Dr. Jack Newman tells of a child who ate only jello and breastmilk. The mother was told to wean so the child would eat more solids. After weaning the child refused everything but jello. Breastmilk is high in calories and has antibodies to fight illness. Weaning will not help a toddler gain weight.
I believe we have to trust our children, and our instincts. A healthy child will eat as much as he or she needs. A child who doesn’t is sending some kind of message. I have known many children who did not eat as much as their parents or health providers thought they should. They outgrew it.
Sometimes, even after the issues above are resolved, there is still concern. Reasons for poor appetite, rejection of solids and low weight gain include allergies, reflux, celiac, abuse, sensory issues, anemia, and illnesses such as cancer or cystic fibrosis.
An excellent and humorous resource is Dr. Carlos Gonzalez’ book, My Child Won’t Eat.
If you enjoyed this post you might also like:
Four-Part Series on Feeding Babies Frugally (at CookingManager.Com)
I have a guest post up about tandem nursing at the Mommy News Blog. Although my daughter is wearing a kippah in the accompanying picture, it’s not meant as any kind of feminist statement. At five years old she no longer wears one. Anyway, now you all know how “radical” I am/was.
The alon Talmei Geulat Am Yisrael always has a column about family life. As usual, this has more to do with psychology than Judaism, but the author of last week’s column, Varda Virzvinski, makes some valuable points. She is a member of the organization of Rabbinic Marriage and Family Counselors in Israel (which I have never heard of).
After an introduction in which she criticizes parents for repeating ineffective techniques, Virzvinski states two principles:
One: The relationship between a child and his parents is interactive.
Virzvinski explains that when parents respond to behavior they want to discourage, they often end up encouraging it. Lecturing, giving orders, and criticizing are counterproductive. She writes, “The child does not act ‘according to our instructions,’ but according to the relationship between us. We need to learn to set up a relationship that will lead him to become what we want him to be.”
You can see more about this in my review of Gordon Neufeld’s book, Hold on to Your Kids.
Two: The need for company/society.
Virzvinski continues:
God created man as a social being. Man’s nature leads him to desire company and community, that will defend him and meet his needs. This need for company develops when he is still a baby, and cries to let his parents know that he needs help because he is hungry or wet. From the moment of birth a baby seeks to create a connection with his parents so that his needs will be met. Thus the need to relate to mother, the family and the society is the most important motivation in his life, and all of his actions stem from this need. [Emphasis mine.]
Most parents overdo it when defending and worrying about their child: They cherish him as if he were a plaything, hug him, play with him, overwhelm him but don’t give him room to get involved at home. It’s as if we rock him in the cradle, but don’t let him out to walk. We send the message, “Sit on the side, you are small. We are big.” This reaction causes the child to feel rejected. We adults are happy to have is a small child at home, but want to keep him wrapped in cellophane. When the baby touches the upholstery, gets things dirty, removes fragile objects from the closet, disturbs us and annoys us our reaction is: No! Forbidden!
This reaction sends a message of rejection. The child doesn’t understand what he did wrong, but he feels the rejection. This feeling prevents the child from displaying his abilities and developing his potential. It causes atrophy. The longer the child is discouraged from participating in household life, the more his ability to act constructively is damaged. In its place come feelings of inferiority, disappointment and bitterness. His sense of belonging is damaged, because he feels that he doesn’t contribute constructively.
When a child realizes that the he is not allowed to get involved and can’t contribute to the home, his only means of survival is in a way that will ruin his relationship with the family members, society and the whole world — he begins to “bother.” Thus he informs us that he is also part of the family, but has never given the opportunity to use his talents constructively.
If we are careful to include our children, consult with them, ask for their help, allow them to share household tasks and encourage them, they will grow up to be effective and healthy members of society.
Parents concerned about socialization with peers don’t always recognize that the most important socialization is with parents, and begins at birth.
Over the last few weeks, four toddlers have gotten ill and died suddenly of mysterious causes. Two children remain hospitalized; one is recovering and one is still in intensive care. The Health Ministry debated over whether to announce that they are investigating the deaths as they didn’t want to induce panic. But if word got out about the investigation, the ministry would be accused of withholding information. They are awaiting final lab results but so far there no connection has been found among the children, who came from different parts of the country and had different symptoms. It seems to be a statistical anomaly, and at least one of the children had previous health problems.
Earlier this week an email rumor began circulating claiming that the deaths were related to contaminated Bamba, the heavily marketed children’s snack food. One email forwarded to me this morning was about an uncle working in Superpharm who received a call asking him to take Bamba off the store’s shelves.
Manufacturer Osem’s stock dropped six percent in the stock market as a result of this rumor. My readers know that I am no fan of Bamba. But as a pediatrician friend pointed out, if even one batch of Bamba caused illness Israeli hospitals would be full to capacity with sick children. Negative health effects of Bamba, Bisli, Crembos and other snacks marketed to children are only incremental.
Jameel also wrote about this story.
On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by “l”:
One problem that parents encounter is that in families where there are both older and very young children, the toddlers and infants often require many hours a day of the parents’ care and leave little time left over to work with the older ones.
I think the comment reflects misconceptions both about homeschooling and large families.
When people learn that I have six children they often say, “Wow, I could never do that.” I respond that I didn’t have them all at once. I wrote the following somewhat idealized picture of life as parents of a large family:
Let’s imagine a couple whose first baby is called Noa. A first baby takes up your whole world. Noa’s parents, Tal and Talia, examine every bowel movement with a microscope, count minutes between feedings, and agonize over which toys are most educational. This is not (only) because they are silly, doting new parents, but because they genuinely have a lot to learn about babies. There’s no shortcut for this learning and decision-making process, which continues, more or less, as Noa goes through every new stage of development.
Then little Noah comes along. Noah’s sleep patterns, temperament and bowel movements are completely different from Noa’s, but Tal and Talia already have knowledge and experience. Noa, however, is an active toddler and needs even more attention than Noah. While Noah’s needs can be met by holding and feeding, Noa needs someone to talk to her, read to her, take her outside, prepare her meals and clean up after her, and watch that she doesn’t climb up the bookcase. And she hugs Noah too hard when she thinks no one is looking. So while Tal and Talia thought taking care of one newborn was a fulltime job, taking care of both children together feels like it require superhuman powers.
[So parents with two small children might assume that adding a few older children to the mix would make a productive activity like homeschooling pretty much impossible.]
But this is only the beginning of the story. Tal and Talia adjust to having two children. Talia recovers from the birth, Noah begins to follow some sort of schedule, and Noa grows in her understanding and self-control. Sure, there are crises of all kinds such as illness, a family wedding, and a house move, but Tal and Talia get to know their kids, they learn shortcuts for household chores, and they gain confidence.
By the time little Roni comes along (a girl), things get harder before they get easier. But experience helps, and stages that a four, five or six-year-old undergoes tend to be less draining that baby/toddler issues. Every birth has its challenges, and very fussy babies can throw a wrench into family life. Still, this stage passes. Over the years Tal and Talia begin to work out their parenting style and things fall into a groove.
When the fourth child Ido is born, Tal and Talia are so experienced that they don’t worry so much about the baby. They instinctively pick him up when he cries and change diapers with one hand. When Noa was born, she interacted only with Tal and Talia. But Ido enjoys watching the older children, who can even keep an eye on him for a short time (unless the spacing is very close–I’m assuming a spacing of two to four years after the second child).
Around that time, Talia, who manages the day-to-day running of the household, decides to become much more efficient. She reads up on housekeeping subjects, consults with friends, and makes the required changes. Tal and Talia reevaluate their priorities in terms of time and money–regarding extracurricular activities, housekeeping, schooling, and food and clothing expenses. They make difficult choices, just like every other family.
At some point the balance in the family shifts when Noa can run errands on foot, help significantly with household chores, and share in the care of the younger children. The younger children are growing too–they dress and feed themselves, and manage their belongings. Even if the children are closely spaced, the older children still get to the point where they don’t require so much physical care.
When Noa becomes a teen Tal and Talia have another baby named Amit. The couple can go out for the evening, taking the baby with them and leaving the four older children at home. They have teen issues, but because they are a close family and have been sensitive to their children’s needs all along, they handle them relatively well.
Having a large family is physically and psychologically demanding. Tal and Talia are not as available for social activities. Their lifestyle is different from that of their friends with one or two children. But they do make time for each other and for the activities that are important to them, taking into account their children’s needs. They prepare for the day when their children will be grown.
In a large family, children do not get constant undivided attention. This doesn’t mean that they are neglected. There are two levels of parental care: availability, the level depending on the age and needs of the child, and one-on-one interaction, which occurs less frequently. In a large family some of the children’s needs for interaction are met by the other siblings. And a large chunk of time involves most of the family spending time together, playing or working.
I’ll let my homeschooling readers correct me if I’m wrong, but homeschooling also does not require continuous one-on-one teaching. Most Israeli homeschoolers practice “unschooling.” They don’t follow a set curriculum, but let the child set the pace. They rely on a child’s natural curiosity, providing learning materials when a child expresses interest in a particular subject. But even parents who choose a curriculum-based approach don’t sit with the child for hours on end. They might explain a concept to the child and have him work it out on his own. When a child misses school, how long does it take to make up the material? Two hours at most, and the parent does not need to sit with the child for all that time. Homeschooling is about much more, though, than curriculum, and I can think of many benefits of homeschooling for large families.
People expect to pray peacefully on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. But the shul is overfull and there are distractions. Especially children.
The acceptable level of noise and activity varies according to the community and physical facilities. But one person’s kavanah (concentration during prayer) should not come at the expense of others’. Just because a mother can tune out her children during davening doesn’t mean everyone can.
On Yom Kippur, I mentioned to a friend that her two-year-old had pushed down a child in the aisle. The other child went to his mother to be picked up, without crying, so my friend hadn’t noticed. This happens. But if parents can’t keep an eye on children who wander, the children may be better off at home.
Reports from other communities:
And grant me a moment to kvetch about other annoying things that people do in shul:
My son noticed a family who gave the 5-year-old son snacks to keep him in shul for the davening. After finishing the snack, the child was allowed to go out to play. I don’t believe that kids should eat in shul, especially on Yom Kippur, but I’d be happy for that to be the worst thing to happen.
I don’t understand why a child who just finished seudah hamafseket (the final meal before the fast) needs a bag of Bamba the minute she gets to Kol Nidrei. In this case the child went outside to eat. Was junk food invented as a way to keep kids quiet? (Don’t answer that.)
And one last, cranky complaint: The shul was freezing, so people opened the windows. This wastes electricity and makes the shul even colder, because the air-conditioner must work harder to maintain the pre-set temperature of the thermostat.
So how were things in your shul this year?
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