See below for an update.
In this week’s newspaper Makor Rishon, Yifat Erlich interviews couples in the national religious community who underwent abortions because of health problems with the fetus. Afraid of criticism from their close-knit communities, many ended up alone during this traumatic period.
I have a guest post up at Green Prophet, Breastfeeding and “Supply and Demand.” If you know anyone worried about not having enough milk, this is a good place to start.
Read more on Supply and Demand in Breastfeeding at Green Prophet…
Ynet interviews Dr. Hanna Katan, religious Zionist mother of thirteen and gynecologist with a sub-specialty in fertility. Katan considers a large family to be the ideal and has served on a committe to encourage secular mothers to have more babies. Her own mother raised eight children and served as a role model for her.
Read more on Dr. Hanna Katan: Large Families,Yes. Demanding Careers for Mothers, No….
Occasionally you will hear a discussion among mothers about which number baby is a bigger adjustment. Typical answers:
Part 1: When does chinuch begin?
There is a direct connection between the type of parenting and child spacing. When the baby stays with his mother day and night, nurses on cue without bottles and pacifiers, starts solids gradually and appropriately, and spends a good deal of his time either nursing or in close physical contact with his mother, the mother’s natural postpartum infertility generally lasts for a year or two. (Six to twelve months is fairly common.) When you hear of mothers who exclusively breastfed and still had a return to fertility or a pregnancy at three months postpartum, it’s often (but not always) related to scheduled nursings, mother-baby separation, or a baby who is encouraged to sleep through the night. Because most young couples and health-care professionals lack knowledge regarding breastfeeding and fertility, the parents can’t make informed decisions. When I counsel haredi mothers they are desperate for such information. This information should be readily available to everyone, but it is especially sad when it is lacking in a community that discourages use of artificial birth control.
Here are some ways I have seen families cope with closely spaced children:
Read more on Close spacing Part 2. Fertility and Parenting styles…
I believe that mothers need at least a year, if not two, between pregnancies to recover from birth. Both the toddler and baby are also shortchanged with closer spacing. Each family is different and with a lot of help and support, along with an understanding of attachment and infant development, it’s possible overcome this challenge. I am colored by my own experience: My oldest two, now teenagers, were born 18 months apart. I would never willingly repeat that experiment, and I am still not sure whether we came out of it okay.
Read more on Child Spacing, Part 1 When Does Chinuch Begin?…
You can find the introduction to this series here.
I’ll spare you the gory details of the mistakes I inflicted on my oldest through my inexperience, particularly the destruction of a particularly excellent breastfeeding relationship thanks to the ignorant advice of my pediatrician and others. Truth is, I blame myself for listening to them; I should have known better. Then there was the babysitter I sent him to unnecessarily because I was told that I needed “time for myself.” Let’s not forget the battles over food, toilet training, and discipline. The breastfeeding couldn’t be repaired, but I did wise up in time regarding the others (although with discipline, it took me much longer to find my way ). I began to grow up, because I didn’t have a choice. We were in Israel without my family (my husband had relatives but that wasn’t the same), my mother died, my husband worked long hours in an extremely stressful job, and I had four children by the time my oldest was six and a half. My aliyah story is posted here.
Had I worked out of the house, I would have focused on my job instead of developing my mothering skills. I know parents who can come home after work and still maintain a happy, relaxed home and a warm, loving relationship with their children. For me it would have been impossible (and I haven’t succeeded to the degree that I would like, either). I don’t want to imply that I spent every minute with my children, because I don’t feel that’s necessary or desirable. I decided to consciously make my home and my family my priority. I had to decide how much attention they needed, and learn the proper balance between my needs and theirs. I needed to read about breastfeeding and child care. I needed to spend oodles of time with my children, getting to know them and guiding them. I needed to learn to enjoy them. And I couldn’t do those things properly with the pressure of an additional job.
To be continued. . .
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Read more on Why I made a career out of motherhood–The Early Years…
A commenter on Orthonomics, which linked to my post on frugal babies, posted this to me:
. . .some of the things you suggested in your blog are known to pose a health risk to your child and family, such as co-sleeping in the same bed (lowest SIDS risk is same room /different bed), or washing cloth diapers in a household washer without appropriate temperature/soap/rines etc. Also, it is well know that chareidi mothers choose to breastfeed at a much lower rate when they are on the government programs such as WIC, which provides free formula but not free food for nursing mothers.
Let me go in reverse order here. Regarding mothers (charedi or otherwise) who don’t nurse in order to get free formula, it is my understanding that WIC does give breastfeeding mothers more food than those it gives formula-feeding mothers. There is a new proposal to provide additional benefits and support that will encourage low-income mothers on WIC to initiate and sustain breastfeeding. Read more about it here. It’s a delicate balance; we want to encourage breastfeeding but we don’t want babies to go hungry because their mothers choose not to or can’t, yet can’t afford formula.
Regarding “health risks” with cloth diapers: Do you have any proof to the assertion that washing diapers at home increases illness among babies? It’s not like they are going to eat off of them, and they are not sharing the diapers with anyone else. In fact, I use the same setting — 40 degrees Celsius– for both my dishwasher and my diapers. If that setting is safe for my dishes surely it’s okay for my diapers too? The reason I use a minimum of detergent is not only to save money. It’s better for my washing machine, and when urine gets on diapers that have not been well-rinsed they stink to high heaven. I washed mine in hot water every couple of months, without detergent. Sometimes I used a white vinegar rinse. But hot water is definitely not necessary for every washing. If you regularly use a full measure of detergent in your machine, take your clothes and wash them once without detergent. You might be surprised at how many suds they generate. And there have been many questions raised regarding the safety of chemicals used in disposables.
Finally, you are correct that the AAP’s task force on SIDS recommended that babies sleep in a separate bed in their parents’ room. I don’t feel bound by their recommendation, any more than I will if and when the AAP recommends against circumcision. Where babies sleep is a lifestyle choice, just like breastfeeding. The task force only looked at SIDS risk and did not consult with the AAP’s breastfeeding task force or consider other risks. To make an informed decision parents need to look at the whole picture..
I don’t believe that it is wise for parents to follow any recommendations blindly, and I don’t imagine that even the most conscientious parents do. They certainly don’t all breastfeed for at least a year, another current AAP recommendation. What if the parents don’t have space for a crib in their room? Are they going to move to a bigger house, or sleep in the living room (assuming they have space there)? In my case my not having to get out of bed, my husband continuing to sleep, the security I feel I am giving to my baby, the fact that I respond to the baby before s/he cries, shorter feedings, more sleep, the pleasure of having the baby near me all night, and an increased period of infertility, are not enough to counter a possible increased risk of SIDS that is unlikely to be backed up by future studies. Babies have accidents while sleeping in cribs, they suffocate when their mothers doze off while nursing them on the sofa in the middle of the night, and they fall when a sleepy mother is returning a baby to the crib. They can die of SIDS on their back in a crib in their parents’ room. Life is fraught with risk, and it is all about balancing risks and benefits in a way that is right for an individual family.
At any rate, here are guidelines for safe co-sleeping.
Shmuley Boteach’s response to criticism from breastfeeding advocates
Original column where the rabbi advised a mother to wean her year-old baby
Rabbi Boteach posted his response a while ago, but I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I agree with him that having a strong marriage is a top priority. If one or both partners are unhappy the children will suffer, and will suffer even more in case of divorce. If you have to choose between a strong marriage and breastfeeding an older baby, I can see choosing the marriage. But why should a woman be forced to choose between her husband and her baby? R. Boteach, despite having had eight children, is clearly not an expert on normal child development. It’s normal and desirable for year-old babies to need their mothers intensely day and night. And many mothers have just as strong an instinctual need to be with those babies. It’s nature’s way of ensuring that babies get the affection they need, and an outsider should be wary of interfering with that mechanism.
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