If you or your children are dating, you may wonder how to spot an abuser. In this guest post, Daniella Levy tells us the warning signs. People tend to believe that violence is a random, unpredictable disaster. “It was totally out of the blue!” “He was always so nice!” “There’s no way we could have known.” That’s just not true. Violent people are everywhere. The rates of domestic abuse are similar across every culture, race and religion. If they were easy to identify, they would not be successful. So they conceal their violent behavior. They draw in their victims using manipulation, take away her safety net, break down her defenses and coping mechanisms … [Read more...]
A Cosmetic Solution to the Shidduch Problem
March 20, 2012 by 31 Comments
In a marriage market where men are scarce, Yitta Halberstam of the Jewish Press advises young women to take care with their appearance. Update: Halberstam Defends Her Stance Ironically, Halberstam noticed the neglected appearance of the Beis Yaakov grads at an event intended to humanize the shidduch process. In the current system, eligible young men like her son sift through dozens of "shidduch resumes". Since only so much comes through on paper, the event allowed mothers of sons to interview a (larger) number of prospective daughters-in-law. In some Israeli chasidic communities, mothers go out on "dates" with their potential wives, and the couple meet only once or twice before … [Read more...]
The Changing Cost of Shidduchim in the Haredi World
October 27, 2010 by 24 Comments
Haredi educators are noticing that the age of marriage is rising. According to an article in the Hebrew edition of Mishpacha, only 10% of students in a particular seminary got engaged last year instead of the normal 50%. According to the shadchanim (matchmakers) quoted, only 5-10% of girls’ parents can afford to buy an apartment for the young couple in a low-cost haredi project. But the parents of the “good” bachurim (eligible men), are still hopeful, so they wait, while the yeshiva dormitories fill up. These kinds of articles always seem to pit parents of sons against parents of daughters. At least 90% of haredi parents, presumably, have children of both genders. Yet parents … [Read more...]
Calling Happily Married People (Or Not)
September 17, 2009 by 26 Comments
I met BadforShidduchim at the Second Jewish Bloggers' convention. She seemed mature and poised, and I wish I had had more time to talk to her. In a recent post, she asked female singles to rate qualities sought in a marriage partner: Please order the following characteristics according to their value to a girl from most important to least important: (feel free to add to the list or change it; there is no order to the list; if you don’t understand one of the descriptions feel free to substitute it with whatever you think it probably means) Facial Structure Body … [Read more...]
Shidduch Investigations
March 24, 2009 by 8 Comments
Cross-posted at DovBear In some Orthodox Jewish circles, marriages are arranged by the parents (shidduchim). The parents investigate the other side before the couple can meet. Much has been written about irrelevant concerns, such as whether the family uses white tablecloths on Shabbat. Here are some questions you haven't thought of asking (yet). A Purim spoof: Hat tip: Mrs. S. … [Read more...]
Who are you waiting for, Miss America? Guess not.
September 9, 2008 by Leave a Comment
Last night we went to the shiva for the mother of an old friend. The friend told how her mother's mother studied piano with Bess Myerson, the first (and only?) Jewish Miss America. My friend's great-grandmother tried to fix up one of her sons with Bess, but they weren't interested. If I have it right, this great-grandmother was American-born, and attended Hunter College in the 1890's. When her future husband, a Polish immigrant, was looking for a shidduch, he asked for a "religious, American-born girl." The great-grandmother agreed to marry him on condition that he close his factory on Shabbat. Apparently, being "religious" in those days did not include strict Sabbath observance. … [Read more...]
“Your Daughter is Smart, but You Don’t Have to Worry”
May 6, 2008 by 25 Comments
Our friends recently met their 15-year-old daughter's teacher at the semi-annual parent-teacher conference. The daughter attends a religious Zionist girls' high school, whose matriculation scores regularly rank it among the top three schools in the country. The teacher told them, "Your daughter is smart, but you don't have to worry. She's not so smart that she'll have a problem getting a shidduch." This is wrong on so many levels. The teacher is employed by a school, yet she places a low value on women's intelligence, and by extension, education for girls. She assumes that most men feel the same way. And my friends are not looking for a son-in-law for their ninth-grader. The … [Read more...]
Rashi’s Daughters, Book I: Jocheved
April 30, 2008 by 28 Comments
My friend, who ordered Rashi's Daughters, Book I: Jocheved by Maggie Anton for our book club, asked me to read it and tell her my thoughts. Not having read any reviews I didn't know what to expect.Anton introduces us to the life of the renowned classical Biblical and Talmudic commentator Rabbi Salomon Isaac of Troyes (Rashi) and his family. The oldest daughter, Jocheved, studies Talmud with her father and borrows her father's tefillin (phylacteries) to say morning prayers.We learn about the family's meals, bathroom habits (they collect moss to use for toilet paper), menstrual cycles, parchment making and wine-making (Anton assumes that Rashi is a vintner, although this may be a myth).It's … [Read more...]
Hiding mental illness for purposes of shidduchim
July 18, 2007 by 6 Comments
I have copied an excerpt of a letter to Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. See the link for the entire question; she doesn't seem to have responded yet. . . . Now, here is our dilemma: Are we obligated to tell the shadchan, the girl and her family? My husband and I are conflicted. I say “yes”, but he argues “no”. According to him, the moment we say the words “Bi-Polar’ we terminate all his chances of a decent shidduch. Moreover, my husband feels that since he has been totally well since he started on medication (and that has been five years now) there is no reason to announce a problem which is no longer present. He also argues that if the girl and her family find out about this and as … [Read more...]
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