One of the most valuable lessons I learned as a mother was about relinquishing control.
“Training” my children to do things before they were developmentally ready wasted time and emotional energy. How I regret those power struggles.
Eventually I realized that there were many things I didn’t need to teach my children. I could trust them to meet certain milestones without incentives, threats, or persuasion. These milestones included:
What is the number one obstacle to remaining sane while raising small children in Israel? No, it’s not the cost of your child’s birthday party in gan.
Shhh–I’m talking about the afternoon quiet hours.
Ask any immigrant mother how she first learned about the rule requiring quiet between two and four PM. Chances are she was chastised by an irate neighbor. You can see signs in public parks, and occasionally in apartment buildings. Many offices and stores are also closed between one and four. (This is changing.) Of course well-behaved children nap at that time. But if yours are abnormal on a different schedule, it’s your job to keep them quiet.
I gradually adjusted. I learned never to have the kids’ friends over before four; the parents wouldn’t send them anyway but it took me a while to realize this. I made sure my toddler stayed away from the pots, except one Friday when the neighbor called to remind me. We tried to have quiet games and activities and with any luck I would stay awake. But this is what you might hear coming from my house between 2 and 4: “STOP SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW! IT’S BETWEEN 2 AND 4!” or “DON’T CALL ME FROM THE SIDEWALK! USE THE BUZZER! YOU’LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS!”
Fortunately our former downstairs neighbors were so noisy that I never had to worry about disturbing them. The entire neighborhood knew and despised their teenage son for blasting his stereo, and nothing seemed to help. Once, however, when I went to complain, he apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was between two and four.” Any level of noise is acceptable in the morning, late afternoon, and evening. But between 2 and 4, he turns off the music. He shows respect for his neighbors. (When my son, then 6, asked me why the neighbor played his music so loud I told him it was because he was angry at his parents. That gave him something to think about. “But why, Ima, why?”)
After nearly eighteen years of urban living in Israel, I have learned to appreciate quiet hours. Sometimes I shop, taking advantage of empty streets and stores. I may sit with my children in the park, and hope they don’t shout too much. But with any luck, I’ll be taking a nap. So try not to call between 2 and 4.
I have written quite a few posts on the benefits of cosleeping and the negative effects of allowing babies to cry. James McKenna, PhD., probably the foremost researcher on the topic of mother-infant cosleeping, has written Sleeping with Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Co-Sleeping. In this interview from the publisher, Platypus Media, McKenna addresses the most common criticisms of cosleeping. Cosleeping is safe (if practiced correctly) and does not lead to emotional dependence. McKenna believes that the decision to cosleep or not lies with individual families, not the medical establishment. I was going to post only excerpts, but in the end I couldn’t leave anything out! I believe McKenna presents a powerful case and I am looking forward to reading the book, due out in May.
In honor of Sephardi Lady’s excellent post on parenting, or lack thereof, in the Orthodox Jewish community, I present some of my favorite parenting books. All of them promote a close, loving connection with children based on respecting their individual personalities and legitimate needs. Some people can do this instinctively, but some people, like me, need a lot of help! I don’t pretend that this list is comprehensive; there are many excellent books I haven’t read.
In the park today, I was discussing the sleep habits of a particular todder with his caretaker. One of the other babysitters said that toddlers gradually move from a morning to an afternoon nap. I pointed out that my daughter, age two and a half, still sleeps in the morning. The babysitter replied, “That’s because she’s not in a misgeret.”
Misgeret is a frame, or in this case framework–in other words childcare or gan (preschool). I pointed out that she slept when she was naturally tired and her sleep habits weren’t dependent on other people’s schedules. The babysitter said it depends on your perspective.
Here are some “truths” known to all Israelis about children.
A commenter on Orthonomics, which linked to my post on frugal babies, posted this to me:
. . .some of the things you suggested in your blog are known to pose a health risk to your child and family, such as co-sleeping in the same bed (lowest SIDS risk is same room /different bed), or washing cloth diapers in a household washer without appropriate temperature/soap/rines etc. Also, it is well know that chareidi mothers choose to breastfeed at a much lower rate when they are on the government programs such as WIC, which provides free formula but not free food for nursing mothers.
Let me go in reverse order here. Regarding mothers (charedi or otherwise) who don’t nurse in order to get free formula, it is my understanding that WIC does give breastfeeding mothers more food than those it gives formula-feeding mothers. There is a new proposal to provide additional benefits and support that will encourage low-income mothers on WIC to initiate and sustain breastfeeding. Read more about it here. It’s a delicate balance; we want to encourage breastfeeding but we don’t want babies to go hungry because their mothers choose not to or can’t, yet can’t afford formula.
Regarding “health risks” with cloth diapers: Do you have any proof to the assertion that washing diapers at home increases illness among babies? It’s not like they are going to eat off of them, and they are not sharing the diapers with anyone else. In fact, I use the same setting — 40 degrees Celsius– for both my dishwasher and my diapers. If that setting is safe for my dishes surely it’s okay for my diapers too? The reason I use a minimum of detergent is not only to save money. It’s better for my washing machine, and when urine gets on diapers that have not been well-rinsed they stink to high heaven. I washed mine in hot water every couple of months, without detergent. Sometimes I used a white vinegar rinse. But hot water is definitely not necessary for every washing. If you regularly use a full measure of detergent in your machine, take your clothes and wash them once without detergent. You might be surprised at how many suds they generate. And there have been many questions raised regarding the safety of chemicals used in disposables.
Finally, you are correct that the AAP’s task force on SIDS recommended that babies sleep in a separate bed in their parents’ room. I don’t feel bound by their recommendation, any more than I will if and when the AAP recommends against circumcision. Where babies sleep is a lifestyle choice, just like breastfeeding. The task force only looked at SIDS risk and did not consult with the AAP’s breastfeeding task force or consider other risks. To make an informed decision parents need to look at the whole picture..
I don’t believe that it is wise for parents to follow any recommendations blindly, and I don’t imagine that even the most conscientious parents do. They certainly don’t all breastfeed for at least a year, another current AAP recommendation. What if the parents don’t have space for a crib in their room? Are they going to move to a bigger house, or sleep in the living room (assuming they have space there)? In my case my not having to get out of bed, my husband continuing to sleep, the security I feel I am giving to my baby, the fact that I respond to the baby before s/he cries, shorter feedings, more sleep, the pleasure of having the baby near me all night, and an increased period of infertility, are not enough to counter a possible increased risk of SIDS that is unlikely to be backed up by future studies. Babies have accidents while sleeping in cribs, they suffocate when their mothers doze off while nursing them on the sofa in the middle of the night, and they fall when a sleepy mother is returning a baby to the crib. They can die of SIDS on their back in a crib in their parents’ room. Life is fraught with risk, and it is all about balancing risks and benefits in a way that is right for an individual family.
At any rate, here are guidelines for safe co-sleeping.
My friend, visiting a relative in Beilinson hospital in Petach Tikva, saw a series of posters promoting the women’s center there. Each poster contained a photo of a patient along with a quote from a staff member. Under the photo of a newborn baby, with an adult’s hand placing a pacifier in its mouth, the following caption appeared: ??? ?? ??? ????? ???? ???? ????. “Give him warmth and love and I will take care of the rest.” The quote is from Bracha Gal, head of the nursing department.
How exactly is a mother supposed to give warmth and love to a baby when she is separated from him? Doesn’t the head of the nursing department know that pacifiers for newborns interfere with breastfeeding and are against the recommendations of the Israeli Health Ministry and the World Health Organization? How much warmth and love can one or two staff members give to a nursery full of screaming babies? Babies, especially newborns, belong with their mothers.
As a breastfeeding counselor, I deal with the aftermath of poor hospital policy (to be fair I don’t always hear the success stories) and everything the baby has been “given” by the hospital staff including unnecessary formula, pacifiers, denial of access to his mother, and poor breastfeeding advice. The results are often jaundice, low milk supply, engorgement, sore nipples, and worst of all –exemplified by the poster’s caption–loss of a mother’s confidence in her ability to nurture her baby.
Now is time for Israeli hospitals to get on board with the UNICEF/World Health Organization’ s Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative. Here are the ten required steps:
Emuna Braverman on Aish.com, with an article entitled: A Radical Parenting Theory. Quotes are in italics.
Discussing lactivism, the editor wrote, “But there is a line, at least in my mind, between supporting the nursing mother and insisting that you know the best thing for her family. Breastfeeding, like so much else, is just one part of what makes up a mother/child relationship. And we at Brain, Child have faith that mothers can make the best decisions for themselves and their children.”
What is so radical about the view that we should let parents make their own decisions regarding their children? Lactivism is not about judging parents. It is about ensuring that they get accurate information to counter the marketing and “education” that so many parents and medical professionals are subjected to from formula companies. Instead of seeing breastfeeding and formula as a simple choice (something formula companies have worked hard to promote), lactivists work to make breastfeeding the normal, default option.
While the Torah mandates that we teach our children certain appropriate behaviors and values, Jewish wisdom is silent on whether you should use the Ferber method of gradually reducing the time it takes for your child to cry himself to sleep or whether you should pick her [sic] your child whenever he cries. It doesn’t prescribe feeding on demand or on a fixed schedule. And the Torah doesn’t comment on the complexity of factors that affect a mother’s decision whether to breastfeed or not.
Well, the fact that (according to Braverman) the Torah doesn’t mandate “certain appropriate behavior and values” hasn’t prevented her from giving her parenting advice on the Aish website for years and years (not that I have disagreed with all of it). And the Torah does support breastfeeding; just check the comment section of the article for lots of sources.
For the record, demand feeding and the benefits of breastfeeding are not at all controversial. Demand feeding, now more accurately referred to as “cue feeding,” has been proven beyond doubt to be the best way to ensure a good milk supply. The inferiority of formula has been proven in countless studies. Braverman doesn’t do anyone a favor by acting as if these are debating points in the “Mommy wars.” Unfortunately, Ferberizing is still practiced and supported, even though Ferber has modified his views on the matter to the point of allowing that there is nothing wrong with the family bed (where parents sleep with their children, often through the preschool years).
It’s ironic that a society that preaches “live and let live” when it comes to a range of controversial behaviors, is outraged if a mother refuses to breastfeed. Is she not entitled to be treated with tolerance? Should she be forced to explain her very private decision to the lactation police, to complete strangers?
What the heck is she talking about? She should try going to a mall sometime and breastfeeding in public. Society is much more tolerant of bottlefeeding. Emuna, there are no lactation police. Formula has money behind it and breastfeeding has only mothers, volunteers like me, who adored breastfeeding their babies so much, and learned all about motherhood by breastfeeding, that they don’t want women to abandon it because of erroneous information, unhelpful advice, or lack of support.
And even if one discounts Chaza”l on parenting (and I don’t understand how anyone writing on Aish could do that, despite sources not always being clear-cut), breastfeeding and parenting are issues for the Jewish community. Breastfeeding mothers are less likely to have closely spaced children, making it more likely that the family will have the economic and emotional resources to raise each one properly. Not to mention the unnecessary expense of formula. Breastfeeding mothers are more likely to be in tune with their babies (not always, don’t shoot me!). Children whose cries are responded to quickly, night and day, are more likely to become caring and self-confident adults.
A word about guilt, because that is always brought up as a reason for not promoting breastfeeding too much: I think young parents have it very rough. I know I did. I didn’t succeed in nursing my oldest as long as I wanted. Actually, I feel bad about a lot of choices I have made for my children at various times. But like most parents, I did the best that I could with the resources I had available at the time. I believe that we as a community need to make sure that young (and not so young) parents have access to the resources to deal with whatever issues they are facing. In the case of breastfeeding, that means accurate information and support for their choice. And the freedom to choose bottlefeeding, if they wish. No one should feel guilty for doing the best they could.
None of us is perfect. Yet how a child is raised does matter. We should care when Jewish children are left screaming to sleep at night because their parents are overwhelmed and can’t cope. We should care when a rabbi tells a mother she shouldn’t nurse her 9-month-old more than once a day and he hopes to see her with a new baby in a year’s time. Caring doesn’t mean judging parents or criticizing their choices. It means listening to their concerns, helping them out as a community when they have a new baby, pointing them to organizations that support young families, and simply giving them a call to see how they are doing and if they need practical help. We are talking about the future of the Jewish community. We need to do everything we can to ensure that young families get the help and information they need to raise their children in a warm, loving family.
Wishing everyone and your children a safe night, wherever you are.
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