“Training” my children to do things before they were developmentally ready wasted time and emotional energy. How I regret those power struggles.

Eventually I realized that there were many things I didn’t need to teach my children. I could trust them to meet certain milestones without incentives, threats, or persuasion. These milestones included:

• Sleeping through the night.
• Learning to use the bathroom i.e. toilet train
• Weaning from breastfeeding.
• Getting onto a “schedule” for meals and naps. Babies generally fall into a routine after a few weeks or months.
• Eating enough to grow and thrive, if offered a variety of nutritional food, a fork and a spoon.
• Separating from me without a fuss.
• Dressing themselves.

I believe that my job is to provide a secure emotional base and a reasonable level of encouragement. I had faith (at least in those areas) that my children’s inborn mechanisms and a natural desire to mature would kick in eventually. Unfortunately, in our culture, this isn’t simple. Dozens of instruction books help parents train children to do what they would eventually do anyway. It’s so frustrating to find out that your child is abnormal; i.e. he is not doing what the books say he should be doing. Until you realize that the problem is the book, not the child.

Not all babies sleep through the night at six weeks, or six months. And it’s normal for children to nurse for a few years; both the Talmud and the World Health Organization consider two years a minimum. Kids will sleep all night by the time they are bar or bat mitzvah. And (hopefully) when it’s time for them to get married, no one will ask when they got out of diapers.

Yes, there are exceptions. Sometimes a child who develops later than average needs an evaluation. Sometimes we have to speed things along, like when we wean a child from diapers in preparation for preschool, or leave a baby with a sitter. But most children will do what they need to do if we take for granted that they can.

I’ve listed some behaviors that I don’t believe parents need to worry much about. The question that interests me now, and which I hope to explore in a future post, is what *do* we need to actively teach our children?

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Shhh–I’m talking about the afternoon quiet hours.

Ask any immigrant mother how she first learned about the rule requiring quiet between two and four PM. Chances are she was chastised by an irate neighbor. You can see signs in public parks, and occasionally in apartment buildings. Many offices and stores are also closed between one and four. (This is changing.) Of course well-behaved children nap at that time. But if yours are abnormal on a different schedule, it’s your job to keep them quiet.

I gradually adjusted. I learned never to have the kids’ friends over before four; the parents wouldn’t send them anyway but it took me a while to realize this. I made sure my toddler stayed away from the pots, except one Friday when the neighbor called to remind me. We tried to have quiet games and activities and with any luck I would stay awake. But this is what you might hear coming from my house between 2 and 4: “STOP SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW! IT’S BETWEEN 2 AND 4!” or “DON’T CALL ME FROM THE SIDEWALK! USE THE BUZZER! YOU’LL WAKE THE NEIGHBORS!”

Fortunately our former downstairs neighbors were so noisy that I never had to worry about disturbing them. The entire neighborhood knew and despised their teenage son for blasting his stereo, and nothing seemed to help. Once, however, when I went to complain, he apologized. “Sorry, I didn’t realize it was between two and four.” Any level of noise is acceptable in the morning, late afternoon, and evening. But between 2 and 4, he turns off the music. He shows respect for his neighbors. (When my son, then 6, asked me why the neighbor played his music so loud I told him it was because he was angry at his parents. That gave him something to think about. “But why, Ima, why?”)

After nearly eighteen years of urban living in Israel, I have learned to appreciate quiet hours. Sometimes I shop, taking advantage of empty streets and stores. I may sit with my children in the park, and hope they don’t shout too much. But with any luck, I’ll be taking a nap. So try not to call between 2 and 4.

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This morning she explained, “That way is a faster way to close my eyes.”

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Why did you decide to write this book?

My wife and I came into parenting in 1978 reading all the books and being nervous parents, as is everyone. We were quite surprised to learn that there were no infant care recommendations in the baby advice books that were based on human biology-or even on cross-cultural insights-as to how babies’ best lived. They were based, strictly speaking, on 70- or 80-year old ideological positions that defined babies in terms of who we want them to become, rather than who they actually are-little creatures that are very much dependent physiologically, socially, psychologically on the presence of the caregiver. I decided to begin serious research on the practices that help both mothers and babies to thrive.

Does cosleeping benefit babies?

Benefits are, of course, always relevant to whom is cosleeping, what it means to them, and how they practice it. Cosleeping makes babies happy. From a scientific point of view, cosleeping babies cry less and sleep more. Babies lying next to their mothers can breastfeed easily without having to cry in order to make their needs known. Mothers get more sleep, too (though it is more light sleep). Here in the U.S., we are the most unsatisfied, unhappy and exhausted parents in the world because we place babies at odds with their biology.

Isn’t cosleeping dangerous?

Sleeping alone is not biologically correct. Human infants are born more neurologically immature than any other species (excluding marsupials). Our central nervous systems depend on a microenvironment that is like the in-utero environment, full of sensory stimulation. Babies need the warmth, stimulation and monitoring that comes with sleeping next to a caregiver. Almost all, fully 95%, of the world sleeps with their baby, and there are only very few cultures in the world for which babies sleeping alone is even thought to be acceptable nor desirable. In many Asian cultures where cosleeping is the norm, including China, Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) is either unheard of or rare. In Hong Kong and Japan, which have almost universal cosleeping, SIDS rates are among the lowest in the world. The vast majority of scientific studies on infant behavior and development conducted in diverse fields during the last 100 years suggests that the question placed before us should not be “Is it safe to sleep with my baby?” but rather, “Is it safe not to do so?” My book includes information on how to bedshare safely and when it should be avoided, information parents need to make sound choices.

Why do parents always get told that they should never sleep with their babies?

Parents are receiving dangerous advice from medical authorities that mislead them into assuming that ALL pediatricians and all SIDS researchers recommend against bedsharing. This is just not true. The American Academy of Pediatrics Task Force on SIDS claims bedsharing is always hazardous. This is flat out wrong! Done correctly, whether this means cosleeping, bedsharing or room sharing, infants sleeping with their parents are more likely to survive! The U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission says never sleep with your baby; the only safe place for an infant to sleep is in a crib that meets current safety standards. It is sad that a small group of “experts” have the parents in western countries bamboozled into believing that the entire history of civilization was wrong, that parents and babies have been doing it all wrong since the dawn of humanity!

Should parents rely on doctors for infant sleep advice?

One of the most important things I am hoping to do is remind parents that while professional evaluation is important for sick children, issues of childcare, especially regarding where babies sleep and the relationship this reflects, are decisions best made by information-armed parents, not by external authorities who neither know the parents, nor the infant, nor how sleeping arrangements might work in any given family. At this point in time, medical authorities seem overly willing to use selected and simplistic medical findings to infer their own conclusions about where babies should sleep. Many employ, in my mind inappropriately, a one-size-must-fit-all strategy for sleeping arrangements. Indeed, cosleeping is being misrepresented-often by people who think they know something about it but choose to dismiss any scientific evidence that disagrees with their own negative position. Many of these authorities only know about catastrophic failures associated with dangerous forms of cosleeping and use these failures to draw simplistic conclusions about a very complex practice.

Won’t my child be emotionally dependent if we cosleep?

Absolutely not! Independence and autonomy have nothing to do with forcing babies to learn how to sleep by themselves. Parents are often under the mistaken impression that if they don’t train their babies to sleep alone every night, somehow some developmental or social skill later in life will be kept from them, or that their babies will never exhibit good sleep patterns later in life. Yet research has consistently shown us that children who routinely sleep with their parents or are not “sleep-trained&quopt; actually become more independent socially and psychologically, are able to be alone better by themselves, and have greater abilities to interrelate and be empathetic.

What are the consequences of not cosleeping?

When babies sleep alone, they spend less time sleeping or eating, and longer periods of time crying. This deprives babies of energy that can be put into growth and fighting disease. Worse, it deprives infants of a kind of special interactions and parental sensory stimuli that builds brain connections needed for optimal development. The baby is burning energy and calories needlessly that could otherwise be invested in more beneficial processes required of the baby. Don’t forget that the only reason babies cry is as defensive adaptive pattern that says something is wrong. It is not manipulation on the part of the baby. What parents are really talking about when they say they want their infant to sleep alone is freedom from caring for their babies during the night. Certainly parents have every right to choose that, but they need to know there are future trade-offs with respect to cutting themselves off from that wonderful interdependence that occurs when you are young in life.

Do you believe that all parents should cosleep with their babies?

No, I believe parents should do what they feel is best for their families. I think it is important to empower parents and let them know that every child born in the world is unique as is each family. Since no child is the same, no solution to what children need is necessarily the same. Parents know their own babies better than anyone. Pediatricians are not trained in human development, childcare strategies, or psychology. They know how to fix sick babies. We have to be very careful to not medicalize behaviors that are not appropriately medicalized: where babies sleep, what is a proper sleeping arrangement, and how parents decide to respond to their baby’s nutritional needs. I do believe that parents should be well-informed so that they are able to make the best decisions for their families, and so that if they do choose to do something like share a bed with their baby, they can do it as safely as possible.

James J. McKenna, Ph.D., directs the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory and is Chair of the Department of Anthropology at the University of Notre Dame. The first scientist to undertake sleep laboratory physiological studies of both mothers and infants, he is a leading authority on infant/parent co-sleeping, and especially bed-sharing. A sought-after speaker at medical, parenting and policy conferences, he speaks on cosleeping at events around the world. Sleeping With Your Baby: A Parent’s Guide to Cosleeping [ISBN: 1-930775-34-2] is his first book. He can be reached at Jim@PlatypusMedia.com.

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. . .some of the things you suggested in your blog are known to pose a health risk to your child and family, such as co-sleeping in the same bed (lowest SIDS risk is same room /different bed), or washing cloth diapers in a household washer without appropriate temperature/soap/rinse etc. Also, it is well know that chareidi mothers choose to breastfeed at a much lower rate when they are on the government programs such as WIC, which provides free formula but not free food for nursing mothers.

Let me go in reverse order here. Regarding mothers (charedi or otherwise) who don’t nurse in order to get free formula, it is my understanding that WIC does give breastfeeding mothers more food than those it gives formula-feeding mothers. There is a new proposal to provide additional benefits and support that will encourage low-income mothers on WIC to initiate and sustain breastfeeding. Read more about it here. It’s a delicate balance; we want to encourage breastfeeding but we don’t want babies to go hungry because poor mothers choose not to, or can’t, breastfeed.

Regarding “health risks” with cloth diapers: Do you have any proof to the assertion that washing diapers at home increases illness among babies? It’s not like they are going to eat off of them, and they are not sharing the diapers with anyone else. In fact, I use the same setting — 40 degrees Celsius– for both my dishwasher and my diapers. If that setting is safe for my dishes surely it’s okay for my diapers too? The reason I use a minimum of detergent is not only to save money. It’s better for my washing machine, and when urine gets on diapers that have not been well-rinsed they stink to high heaven. I washed mine in hot water every couple of months, without detergent. Sometimes I used a white vinegar rinse. But hot water is definitely not necessary for every washing. If you regularly use a full measure of detergent in your machine, take your clothes and wash them once without detergent. You might be surprised at how many suds they generate. And there have been many questions raised regarding the safety of chemicals used in disposables.

Finally, you are correct that the AAP’s task force on SIDS recommended that babies sleep in a separate bed in their parents’ room. I don’t feel bound by their recommendation. Where babies sleep is a lifestyle choice, just like breastfeeding. The task force only looked at SIDS risk and did not consult with the AAP’s breastfeeding task force or consider other risks. To make an informed decision parents need to look at the whole picture..

I don’t believe that it is wise for parents to follow any recommendations blindly, and I don’t imagine that even the most conscientious parents do. They certainly don’t all breastfeed for at least a year, another current AAP recommendation. What if the parents don’t have space for a crib in their room? Are they going to move to a bigger house, or sleep in the living room (assuming they have space there)? In my case my not having to get out of bed, my husband continuing to sleep, the security I feel I am giving to my baby, the fact that I respond to the baby before s/he cries, shorter feedings, more sleep, the pleasure of having the baby near me all night, and an increased period of infertility, are not enough to counter a possible increased risk of SIDS that is unlikely to be backed up by future studies. Babies have accidents while sleeping in cribs, they suffocate when their mothers doze off while nursing them on the sofa in the middle of the night, and they fall when a sleepy mother is returning a baby to the crib. They can die of SIDS on their back in a crib in their parents’ room. Life is fraught with risk, and it is all about balancing risks and benefits in a way that is right for an individual family.

At any rate, here are guidelines for safe co-sleeping.

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How exactly is a mother supposed to give warmth and love to a baby when she is separated from him? Doesn’t the head of the nursing department know that pacifiers for newborns interfere with breastfeeding and are against the recommendations of the Israeli Health Ministry and the World Health Organization? How much warmth and love can one or two staff members give to a nursery full of screaming babies? Babies, especially newborns, belong with their mothers.

As a breastfeeding counselor, I deal with the aftermath of poor hospital policy (to be fair I don’t always hear the success stories) and everything the baby has been “given” by the hospital staff including unnecessary formula, pacifiers, denial of access to his mother, and poor breastfeeding advice. The results are often jaundice, low milk supply, engorgement, sore nipples, and worst of all –exemplified by the poster’s caption–loss of a mother’s confidence in her ability to nurture her baby.

Now is time for Israeli hospitals to get on board with the UNICEF/World Health Organization’ s Baby Friendly Hospital Initiative. Here are the ten required steps:

• Have a written breastfeeding policy that is routinely communicated to all health care staff.
• Train all health care staff in skills necessary to implement this policy.
• Inform all pregnant women about the benefits and management of breastfeeding.
• Help mothers initiate breastfeeding within one half-hour of birth.
• Show mothers how to breastfeed and maintain lactation, even if they should be separated from their infants.
• Give newborn infants no food or drink other than breastmilk, unless medically indicated.
• Practice rooming in – that is, allow mothers and infants to remain together 24 hours a day.
• Encourage breastfeeding on demand.
• Give no artificial teats or pacifiers (also called dummies or soothers) to breastfeeding infants.
• Foster the establishment of breastfeeding support groups and refer mothers to them on discharge from the hospital or clinic.

No Israeli hospital currently meets these standards.

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Discussing lactivism, the editor wrote, “But there is a line, at least in my mind, between supporting the nursing mother and insisting that you know the best thing for her family. Breastfeeding, like so much else, is just one part of what makes up a mother/child relationship. And we at Brain, Child have faith that mothers can make the best decisions for themselves and their children.”

What is so radical about the view that we should let parents make their own decisions regarding their children? Lactivism is not about judging parents. It is about ensuring that they get accurate information to counter the marketing and “education” that so many parents and medical professionals are subjected to from formula companies. Instead of seeing breastfeeding and formula as a simple choice (something formula companies have worked hard to promote), lactivists work to make breastfeeding the normal, default option.

While the Torah mandates that we teach our children certain appropriate behaviors and values, Jewish wisdom is silent on whether you should use the Ferber method of gradually reducing the time it takes for your child to cry himself to sleep or whether you should pick her [sic] your child whenever he cries. It doesn’t prescribe feeding on demand or on a fixed schedule. And the Torah doesn’t comment on the complexity of factors that affect a mother’s decision whether to breastfeed or not.

Well, the fact that (according to Braverman) the Torah doesn’t mandate “certain appropriate behavior and values” hasn’t prevented her from giving her parenting advice on the Aish website for years and years (not that I have disagreed with all of it). And the Torah does support breastfeeding; just check the comment section of the article for lots of sources.

For the record, demand feeding and the benefits of breastfeeding are not at all controversial. Demand feeding, now more accurately referred to as “cue feeding,” has been proven beyond doubt to be the best way to ensure a good milk supply. The inferiority of formula has been proven in countless studies. Braverman doesn’t do anyone a favor by acting as if these are debating points in the “Mommy wars.” Unfortunately, Ferberizing is still practiced and supported, even though Ferber has modified his views on the matter to the point of allowing that there is nothing wrong with the family bed (where parents sleep with their children, often through the preschool years).

It’s ironic that a society that preaches “live and let live” when it comes to a range of controversial behaviors, is outraged if a mother refuses to breastfeed. Is she not entitled to be treated with tolerance? Should she be forced to explain her very private decision to the lactation police, to complete strangers?

What the heck is she talking about? She should try going to a mall sometime and breastfeeding in public. Society is much more tolerant of bottlefeeding. Emuna, there are no lactation police. Formula has money behind it and breastfeeding has only mothers, volunteers like me, who adored breastfeeding their babies so much, and learned all about motherhood by breastfeeding, that they don’t want women to abandon it because of erroneous information, unhelpful advice, or lack of support.

And even if one discounts Chaza”l on parenting (and I don’t understand how anyone writing on Aish could do that, despite sources not always being clear-cut), breastfeeding and parenting are issues for the Jewish community. Breastfeeding mothers are less likely to have closely spaced children, making it more likely that the family will have the economic and emotional resources to raise each one properly. Not to mention the unnecessary expense of formula. Breastfeeding mothers are more likely to be in tune with their babies (not always, don’t shoot me!). Children whose cries are responded to quickly, night and day, are more likely to become caring and self-confident adults.

A word about guilt, because that is always brought up as a reason for not promoting breastfeeding too much: I think young parents have it very rough. I know I did. I didn’t succeed in nursing my oldest as long as I wanted. Actually, I feel bad about a lot of choices I have made for my children at various times. But like most parents, I did the best that I could with the resources I had available at the time. I believe that we as a community need to make sure that young (and not so young) parents have access to the resources to deal with whatever issues they are facing. In the case of breastfeeding, that means accurate information and support for their choice. And the freedom to choose bottlefeeding, if they wish. No one should feel guilty for doing the best they could.

None of us is perfect. Yet how a child is raised does matter. We should care when Jewish children are left screaming to sleep at night because their parents are overwhelmed and can’t cope. We should care when a rabbi tells a mother she shouldn’t nurse her 9-month-old more than once a day and he hopes to see her with a new baby in a year’s time. Caring doesn’t mean judging parents or criticizing their choices. It means listening to their concerns, helping them out as a community when they have a new baby, pointing them to organizations that support young families, and simply giving them a call to see how they are doing and if they need practical help. We are talking about the future of the Jewish community. We need to do everything we can to ensure that young families get the help and information they need to raise their children in a warm, loving family.

Wishing everyone and your children a safe night, wherever you are.

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