Ynet interviews Dr. Hanna Katan, religious Zionist mother of thirteen and gynecologist with a sub-specialty in fertility. Katan considers a large family to be the ideal and has served on a committe to encourage secular mothers to have more babies. Her own mother raised eight children and served as a role model for her.
When asked about combining a career with a large family, Katan responds:
“I wouldn’t recommend it. The list of priorities was always clear to me: My family comes before my career. When my daughter expressed an interest in medicine, I suggested that she study nursing and become a nurse. It’s very difficult having such a demanding profession as a woman: The unending duties on Shabbat and on holidays as well, the kindergarten birthday parties I missed.
She mentions that she did not advise any of her children, male or female, to study medicine.
Katan disagrees with the stereotype of an unhealthy, poor mother whose many children don’t get enough attention. According to Katan, studies that show disadvantages among children of large families are based on populations without the resources that Orthodox Jewish families enjoy. [My husband read somewhere that modern Orthodox Jews and fundamentalist Christians are the only educated, socio-economically stable population to raise large families.]
As a fertility specialist, Katan has helped families who struggled to get pregnant with their ninth child. When asked about lack of attention, she responds, “There is extra attention from the older siblings which smaller families lack, and it’s as important.”
For me, spacing of children is more of an issue than the number. Toddlers need their parents (ideally their mothers, if she is the primary caregiver) as much as they did when they were newborns, if not more. Couples who plan to try and conceive before their baby is a year or so need very strong support. Relationships with older siblings are wonderful but babies and toddlers are still the parents’ primary responsibility.
Of course, each family is different and spacing of children is only one factor in the success of a family.
Related posts:
Child Spacing Part 1: When Does Chinuch Begin
Child Spacing Part 2: Fertility and Parenting Styles
How Do Large Families Manage? Meet Tal and Talia, parents to a fictionalized large family.
Thanks to Jameel for sending the link.
On Orthonomics a guest post about Orthodox homeschooling generated the following comment by “l”:
One problem that parents encounter is that in families where there are both older and very young children, the toddlers and infants often require many hours a day of the parents’ care and leave little time left over to work with the older ones.
I think the comment reflects misconceptions both about homeschooling and large families.
When people learn that I have six children they often say, “Wow, I could never do that.” I respond that I didn’t have them all at once. I wrote the following somewhat idealized picture of life as parents of a large family:
Let’s imagine a couple whose first baby is called Noa. A first baby takes up your whole world. Noa’s parents, Tal and Talia, examine every bowel movement with a microscope, count minutes between feedings, and agonize over which toys are most educational. This is not (only) because they are silly, doting new parents, but because they genuinely have a lot to learn about babies. There’s no shortcut for this learning and decision-making process, which continues, more or less, as Noa goes through every new stage of development.
Then little Noah comes along. Noah’s sleep patterns, temperament and bowel movements are completely different from Noa’s, but Tal and Talia already have knowledge and experience. Noa, however, is an active toddler and needs even more attention than Noah. While Noah’s needs can be met by holding and feeding, Noa needs someone to talk to her, read to her, take her outside, prepare her meals and clean up after her, and watch that she doesn’t climb up the bookcase. And she hugs Noah too hard when she thinks no one is looking. So while Tal and Talia thought taking care of one newborn was a fulltime job, taking care of both children together feels like it require superhuman powers.
[So parents with two small children might assume that adding a few older children to the mix would make a productive activity like homeschooling pretty much impossible.]
But this is only the beginning of the story. Tal and Talia adjust to having two children. Talia recovers from the birth, Noah begins to follow some sort of schedule, and Noa grows in her understanding and self-control. Sure, there are crises of all kinds such as illness, a family wedding, and a house move, but Tal and Talia get to know their kids, they learn shortcuts for household chores, and they gain confidence.
By the time little Roni comes along (a girl), things get harder before they get easier. But experience helps, and stages that a four, five or six-year-old undergoes tend to be less draining that baby/toddler issues. Every birth has its challenges, and very fussy babies can throw a wrench into family life. Still, this stage passes. Over the years Tal and Talia begin to work out their parenting style and things fall into a groove.
When the fourth child Ido is born, Tal and Talia are so experienced that they don’t worry so much about the baby. They instinctively pick him up when he cries and change diapers with one hand. When Noa was born, she interacted only with Tal and Talia. But Ido enjoys watching the older children, who can even keep an eye on him for a short time (unless the spacing is very close–I’m assuming a spacing of two to four years after the second child).
Around that time, Talia, who manages the day-to-day running of the household, decides to become much more efficient. She reads up on housekeeping subjects, consults with friends, and makes the required changes. Tal and Talia reevaluate their priorities in terms of time and money–regarding extracurricular activities, housekeeping, schooling, and food and clothing expenses. They make difficult choices, just like every other family.
At some point the balance in the family shifts when Noa can run errands on foot, help significantly with household chores, and share in the care of the younger children. The younger children are growing too–they dress and feed themselves, and manage their belongings. Even if the children are closely spaced, the older children still get to the point where they don’t require so much physical care.
When Noa becomes a teen Tal and Talia have another baby named Amit. The couple can go out for the evening, taking the baby with them and leaving the four older children at home. They have teen issues, but because they are a close family and have been sensitive to their children’s needs all along, they handle them relatively well.
Having a large family is physically and psychologically demanding. Tal and Talia are not as available for social activities. Their lifestyle is different from that of their friends with one or two children. But they do make time for each other and for the activities that are important to them, taking into account their children’s needs. They prepare for the day when their children will be grown.
In a large family, children do not get constant undivided attention. This doesn’t mean that they are neglected. There are two levels of parental care: availability, the level depending on the age and needs of the child, and one-on-one interaction, which occurs less frequently. In a large family some of the children’s needs for interaction are met by the other siblings. And a large chunk of time involves most of the family spending time together, playing or working.
I’ll let my homeschooling readers correct me if I’m wrong, but homeschooling also does not require continuous one-on-one teaching. Most Israeli homeschoolers practice “unschooling.” They don’t follow a set curriculum, but let the child set the pace. They rely on a child’s natural curiosity, providing learning materials when a child expresses interest in a particular subject. But even parents who choose a curriculum-based approach don’t sit with the child for hours on end. They might explain a concept to the child and have him work it out on his own. When a child misses school, how long does it take to make up the material? Two hours at most, and the parent does not need to sit with the child for all that time. Homeschooling is about much more, though, than curriculum, and I can think of many benefits of homeschooling for large families.
I once heard a taped lecture where the speaker imagined an event in the fictional homemaking “olympics,” where a mother takes her two small children to the park. They must reach their goal without the tricycle and bicycle getting run over or full of dog doody. The speaker called it the olympics to emphasize the many intricate skills that mothers and homemakers must master.
What if there were a Jewish homemaking olympics? Readers who objected to the term superwoman might also feel intimidated by “olympics;” I don’t mean to focus on the competitive aspect. I want homemakers and their partners to appreciate the tremendous range of skills they develop to keep the house running smoothly. Or to keep it running at all.
An entire group of events would involve Pesach.
Here are some other possibilities for “Jewish Homemaking Olympics” categories:
To make it really difficult, the “Jewish Olympics Committee” could throw one or two of these hurdles into the race:
Whatever discuses (disci?) are thrown our way, we will rise to the challenge.
Within reasonable limits.
Mommy’s Going Meshugganah doesn’t have a large family (yet?) but you can still hear her roar.
Frumhouse talks about labels, maintaining friendships, and personality development of both parents.
Babylox tells how she thinks of herself as a juggler, trying not to drop too many balls but forgiving herself if she does.
Carolyn of Juggling Frogs shares a moving story she calls The Adventures of Supermom.
Original post: The Truth about the Jewish Superwoman.
Comparing ourselves with others is a theme running through all the posts. We always seem to think that everyone else manages better than we do.
What can we do to prevent those kinds of feelings? Simply reminding myself of positives doesn’t work for me.
Are you a superwoman? The Orthodox Jewish superwoman has multiple children yet still manages to (pick several): always look great, sew the family’s clothes, take on major community projects, have a spotless house, host frequent guests, work full-time or run a home business, live in a tiny apartment, have a husband who is never home, blog (just kidding), care for elderly parents or special-needs children . . . well you get the idea.
A lot has been written about whether these women are as successful as they seem. Maybe they have lots of help, or their marriage and/or children are seriously neglected.
I’d like to focus on the truly successful ones, whoever they are (keeping in mind that success is changeable and subjective and that every woman has different resources and skills).
Emuna Rosenfelder, a member of an email group I frequent, wrote that she has noticed several qualities common to many “superwomen.”
Here is Emuna’s list. I added my comments in blue, and how having or not having that trait affects me, mother of six, at this point in my life.
1) Being raised with a strong work ethic – ki adam laamal yulad (Job 5:7) – man was created to work. They expect to work.
Having had a homemaking role model (my own mother in my case) also makes raising a large family simpler.
1 1/2) They actually LIKE to work and can feel uncomfortable doing
nothing – “I’ll rest when I’m in the grave.”
I know I feel uncomfortable about doing nothing. But even when I feel like I have wasted a lot of time when I look back I find I still managed to accomplish a few things.
2) High energy level – they might even call themselves hyperactive. They
may need less sleep then the rest of us.
I have a high energy, but having children forced me to slow down.
3) Sure of their way – their kids don’t get mixed messages or apologize
when being expected to help.
This doesn’t come naturally to me. I wish it did.
4) Super organized – they don’t waste their time looking for their car
keys, having to run to the makolet (corner store) in the middle of cooking because they are out of something etc.
I confess to being fairly organized, despite lamenting the amount of time I waste because I can’t find the can opener, peeler, etc. But if my shopping list wasn’t complete, I generally manage to find a substitute.
5) Patient husbands
This one I definitely have. I can’t see having six kids with a father who expected to be served three gourmet meals a day in a spotless house, or that changing diapers was out of his domain.
6) Don’t sweat the small stuff – they don’t lose energy because their neighbor
didn’t answer them when they said hello etc.
I am still working on this one. On the one hand I don’t get offended when someone doesn’t invite me to a simcha (function). But I have plenty of days when I can’t seem to get moving because something threw me off. And the summer heat makes me practically dysfunctional. I would say that an even temperament is essential in a hectic household because things tend to dissolve into chaos rather frequently.
7) Do it now – they wash the soup dishes while their husband sings zmirot,
(maybe that’s why we don’t sing in my house?) wash the food processor as soon
as the kugel goes in the oven etc.
My food processor is almost always clean, and my laundry too, but I procrastinate in many other significant areas. Especially paperwork, errands, housecleaning, and home improvement/repairs. But the “do it now” mentality can work against homemakers when they don’t allow the other family members to share the responsibility.
Know their limits – they may leave all weddings at 10 because if they’re not
in bed by 11 they can’t function the next day etc.
I think I do know my limits and don’t take on big projects when I know I have other things going on as too much stress is bad for both me and the family. I manage to function on little sleep.
9) No nonsense – set limits and stick to them – supper is macaroni, if
you don’t like it you can make yourself a sandwich.
Another area where I still need a lot of work! Fortunately all but one of my kids would happily eat macaroni every day.
So how super does that make me 
?
I would like to add additional qualities that I believe help in raising a large family:
To summarize, some things I already knew how to do. Some I learned along the way. And the rest, I am still trying to manage. If I had to do it over, I would have done a lot of things differently.
So, what do you think makes a superwoman? What qualities have you found useful as your own family grew? What have you noticed in others? I’m going to tag some female bloggers with large families (five or more kids) but I’d like to hear everyone’s thoughts in their own blogs or in the comments.
Babylox, Frumhouse, Renegade Rebbitzin
Surely there must be more?
I think those rabbinical articles about how dirt isn’t chametz and how you can prepare your house for Pesach in just a few hours so you should really be spending the weeks before on outings with your children misunderstand the reality of most households. Because the difficulty of Pesach doesn’t lie in scrubbing the stove or cleaning the refrigerator (usually the two hardest jobs). What makes Pesach so crazy is that you are planning for the most important and elaborate meal of the year (even if your seder meal consists of soup and meat/vegetables as mine does) while making your house kosher for Pesach. You can’t just do a regular grocery shopping; you need to fight crowds and shlep home enough to restock your entire kitchen. Everyone needs new clothes and shoes at the same time (I don’t buy new outfits and shoes for all of my children every yomtov, but this is the time that I take inventory). You have to plan where guests will sleep (no out-of-town guests yet), supervise the kids’ cleaning or do it yourself, and make sure you have enough Pesach pots (I’m convinced that mine shrink every year). If we’re lucky we have a chance to make plans for chol hamoed too.
As an experienced homemaker, I could handle all of the above with aplomb. What makes Pesach hard is the day-to-day life that continues throughout these weeks. Dust and dirt don’t take a break for the holiday–Pesach preparations make more dirt! After all, we want to sit down to the Seder in a house that is not only chametz-free but also clean! Same with the laundry, which must all be completed by midday on Pesach eve. (I do minimal laundry during the week of the holiday.) Doctor, dentist and optometrist visits inevitably find their way into the mix, as do weddings and bar mitzvahs. Appliances seem to break around this time of year, and when you take out the Pesach utensils at least one thing is missing or unusable, necessitating yet another visit to the store. Older children can help but they also need rides and other types of attention. Younger children need supervision, cuddling and stories. And let’s not forget the meals. Unless you have a budget and source for take-out food, or nearby family going away for the holiday, you still need to feed your kids. Heck, providing meals for my family is practically a full-time job even when I’m not making Pesach. I’m thinking of starting a competition for families to see who can use up the most leftover chametz without being reduced to bread and peanut butter.
I still haven’t figured out how to make Shabbat Hagadol, two days before the Seder–should I cook double this week and eat reheated food, or turn over the kitchen early and make the food pesachdig? Or cook as usual, but very simply? Once I make a decision I’ll work out the details but the logistics of figuring out when to put which dishes where are complicated enough to make anyone crazy. I’m paralyzed just thinking about it, and haven’t begun to make detailed plans. Fortunately I expect my inner pre-Pesach mechanism to kick in soon, as it tells me what tasks to do when. For instance, when I take out the Pesach dishes I automatically make hard-boiled eggs and fresh mayonnaise (no running between stores to get that last elusive jar). After lunch before the seder I grate horseradish and make charoset. Anyway, I think I better stop writing now!! I wish my readers a relaxed and enjoyable pre-Pesach experience.
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