Over the years I’ve encountered many toddlers who did not eat or gain as much as they were supposed to. Before getting concerned, ask the following questions:

1. Is the child really underweight? As Ingathered learned, older growth charts are based on bottle-fed babies. Breastfed babies are expected to gain 2.5 times their birth weight by a year, not triple like some charts indicate. Children at the 5th percentile are generally not underweight, just small compared to all healthy children their age.
2. How much is the toddler really eating? Toddlers have small stomachs. Breastmilk and formula are high in calories and may not leave room for much more. Growth slows down in the second year so a toddler may eat less than a younger baby. And parents who record what a child consumes throughout the day are often surprised by how much is eaten. Toddlers are known for having irregular appetites.
3. What do the parents look like? Babies follow two distinct growth patterns. For the first six months or so, they follow the growth curve of their birth weight.  So babies born large continue to measure at a high percentile. Between 6 and 12 months, babies switch to a curve closer to that of their parents. Sometimes a drastic drop in percentile can be a normal leveling-out to match a genetic growth pattern. I learned this when my daughter dropped from the 90th percentile for height to below the lowest line on the chart, holding that position for many years. I remember being very short as a child as well.
4. Is the baby happy, healthy and developing normally? Look at the whole picture, not just numbers. An active and good-natured baby is a strong indicator for overall health.
5. Is the child gaining slowly, or is he failing to thrive (FTT)? It’s important to know the difference.  Slow gainers stay on a curve, while FTT babies gain erratically or lose. Slow gainers have good skin and muscle tone, are active and alert, and meet developmental milestones. A good doctor can tell the difference.
6. Are scales accurate? Always use the same scale from one weighing to the next, as differences can be significant.

A word about breastfeeding toddlers: I don’t believe in delaying  solids much past six months, but a small number of breastfeeding babies are satisfied with breastmilk alone for a year or more.  If the child is happy, healthy, and gaining weight, there is no reason for concern. In fact, starting solids too early can lead to poor weight gain.

Dr. Jack Newman tells of a child who ate only jello and breastmilk. The mother was told to wean so the child would eat more solids. After weaning the child refused everything but jello. Breastmilk is high in calories and has antibodies to fight illness. Weaning will not help a toddler gain weight.

I believe we have to trust our children, and our instincts. A healthy child will eat as much as he or she needs. A child who doesn’t is sending some kind of message.  I have known many children who did not eat as much as their parents or health providers thought they should. They outgrew it.

Sometimes, even after the issues above are resolved, there is still concern. Reasons for poor appetite, rejection of solids and low weight gain include allergies, reflux, celiac, abuse, sensory issues, anemia, and illnesses such as cancer or cystic fibrosis.

An excellent and humorous resource is Dr. Carlos Gonzalez’ book, My Child Won’t Eat.

If you enjoyed this post you might also like:

Four-Part Series on Feeding Babies Frugally (at CookingManager.Com)

Dr. Jack Newman in Israel

Tweet This Post

Tweet This Post

After an introduction in which she criticizes parents for repeating ineffective techniques, Virzvinski states two principles:

One: The relationship between a child and his parents is interactive.

Virzvinski explains that when parents respond to behavior they want to discourage,  they often end up encouraging it. Lecturing, giving orders, and criticizing are counterproductive. She writes, “The child does not act ‘according to our instructions,’ but according to the relationship between us. We need to learn to set up a relationship that will lead him to become what we want him to be.”

You can see more about this in my review of Gordon Neufeld’s book, Hold on to Your Kids.

Two: The need for company/society.

Virzvinski continues:

God created man as a social being. Man’s nature leads him to desire company and community, that will defend him and meet his needs. This need for company develops when he is still a baby, and cries to let his parents know that he needs help because he is hungry or wet. From the moment of birth a baby seeks to create a connection with his parents so that his needs will be met. Thus the need to relate to mother, the family and the society is the most important motivation in his life, and all of his actions stem from this need. [Emphasis mine.]

Most parents overdo it when defending and worrying about their child: They cherish him as if he were a plaything, hug him, play with him, overwhelm him but don’t give him room to get involved at home. It’s as if we rock him in the cradle, but don’t let him out to walk. We send the message, “Sit on the side, you are small. We are big.” This reaction causes the child to feel rejected. We adults are happy to have is a small child at home, but want to keep him wrapped in cellophane. When the baby touches the upholstery, gets things dirty, removes fragile objects from the closet,  disturbs us and annoys us our reaction is: No! Forbidden!

This reaction sends a message of rejection. The child doesn’t understand what he did wrong, but he feels the rejection. This feeling prevents the child from displaying his abilities and developing his potential. It causes atrophy. The longer the child is discouraged from participating in household life, the more his ability to act constructively is damaged. In its place come feelings of inferiority, disappointment and bitterness. His sense of belonging is damaged, because he feels that he doesn’t contribute constructively.

When a child realizes that the he is not allowed to get involved and can’t contribute to the home, his only means of survival is in a way that will ruin his relationship with the family members, society and the whole world — he begins to “bother.” Thus he informs us that he is also part of the family, but has never given the opportunity to use his talents constructively.

If we are careful to include our children, consult with them, ask for their help, allow them to share household tasks and encourage them, they will grow up to be effective and healthy members of society.

Parents concerned about socialization with peers don’t always recognize that the most important socialization is with parents, and begins at birth.

Tweet This Post

Earlier this week an email rumor began circulating claiming that the deaths were related to contaminated Bamba, the heavily marketed children’s snack food. One email forwarded to me this morning was about an uncle working in Superpharm who received a call asking him to take Bamba off the store’s shelves.

Manufacturer Osem’s stock dropped six percent in the stock market as a result of this rumor. My readers know that I am no fan of Bamba. But as a pediatrician friend pointed out, if even one batch of Bamba caused illness Israeli hospitals would be full to capacity with sick children. Negative health effects of Bamba, Bisli, Crembos and other snacks marketed to children are only incremental.

Jameel also wrote about this story.

Tweet This Post

One problem that parents encounter is that in families where there are both older and very young children, the toddlers and infants often require many hours a day of the parents’ care and leave little time left over to work with the older ones.

I think the comment reflects misconceptions both about homeschooling and large families.

When people learn that I have six children they often say, “Wow, I could never do that.” I respond that I didn’t have them all at once. I wrote the following somewhat idealized picture of life as parents of a large family:

Let’s imagine a couple whose first baby is called Noa. A first baby takes up your whole world. Noa’s parents, Tal and Talia, examine every bowel movement with a microscope, count minutes between feedings, and agonize over which toys are most educational. This is not (only) because they are silly, doting new parents, but because they genuinely have a lot to learn about babies. There’s no shortcut for this learning and decision-making process, which continues, more or less, as Noa goes through every new stage of development.

Then little Noah comes along. Noah’s sleep patterns, temperament and bowel movements are completely different from Noa’s, but Tal and Talia already have knowledge and experience. Noa, however, is an active toddler and needs even more attention than Noah. While Noah’s needs can be met by holding and feeding, Noa needs someone to talk to her, read to her, take her outside, prepare her meals and clean up after her, and watch that she doesn’t climb up the bookcase. And she hugs Noah too hard when she thinks no one is looking. So while Tal and Talia thought taking care of one newborn was a fulltime job, taking care of both children together feels like it require superhuman powers.

[So parents with two small children might assume that adding a few older children to the mix would make a productive activity like homeschooling pretty much impossible.]

But this is only the beginning of the story. Tal and Talia adjust to having two children. Talia recovers from the birth, Noah begins to follow some sort of schedule, and Noa grows in her understanding and self-control. Sure, there are crises of all kinds such as illness, a family wedding, and a house move, but Tal and Talia get to know their kids, they learn shortcuts for household chores, and they gain confidence.

By the time little Roni comes along (a girl), things get harder before they get easier. But experience helps, and stages that a four, five or six-year-old undergoes tend to be less draining that baby/toddler issues. Every birth has its challenges, and very fussy babies can throw a wrench into family life. Still, this stage passes. Over the years Tal and Talia begin to work out their parenting style and things fall into a groove.

When the fourth child Ido is born, Tal and Talia are so experienced that they don’t worry so much about the baby. They instinctively pick him up when he cries and change diapers with one hand. When Noa was born, she interacted only with Tal and Talia. But Ido enjoys watching the older children, who can even keep an eye on him for a short time (unless the spacing is very close–I’m assuming a spacing of two to four years after the second child).

Around that time, Talia, who manages the day-to-day running of the household, decides to become much more efficient. She reads up on housekeeping subjects, consults with friends, and makes the required changes. Tal and Talia reevaluate their priorities in terms of time and money–regarding extracurricular activities, housekeeping, schooling, and food and clothing expenses. They make difficult choices, just like every other family.

At some point the balance in the family shifts when Noa can run errands on foot, help significantly with household chores, and share in the care of the younger children. The younger children are growing too–they dress and feed themselves, and manage their belongings. Even if the children are closely spaced, the older children still get to the point where they don’t require so much physical care.

When Noa becomes a teen Tal and Talia have another baby named Amit. The couple can go out for the evening, taking the baby with them and leaving the four older children at home. They have teen issues, but because they are a close family and have been sensitive to their children’s needs all along, they handle them relatively well.

Having a large family is physically and psychologically demanding. Tal and Talia are not as available for social activities. Their lifestyle is different from that of their friends with one or two children. But they do make time for each other and for the activities that are important to them, taking into account their children’s needs. They prepare for the day when their children will be grown.

In a large family, children do not get constant undivided attention. This doesn’t mean that they are neglected. There are two levels of parental care: availability, the level depending on the age and needs of the child, and one-on-one interaction, which occurs less frequently. In a large family some of the children’s needs for interaction are met by the other siblings. And a large chunk of time involves most of the family spending time together, playing or working.

I’ll let my homeschooling readers correct me if I’m wrong, but homeschooling also does not require continuous one-on-one teaching. Most Israeli homeschoolers practice “unschooling.” They don’t follow a set curriculum, but let the child set the pace. They rely on a child’s natural curiosity, providing learning materials when a child expresses interest in a particular subject. But even parents who choose a curriculum-based approach don’t sit with the child for hours on end. They might explain a concept to the child and have him work it out on his own. When a child misses school, how long does it take to make up the material? Two hours at most, and the parent does not need to sit with the child for all that time. Homeschooling is about much more, though, than curriculum, and I can think of many benefits of homeschooling for large families.

Tweet This Post

The acceptable level of noise and activity varies according to the community and physical facilities. But one person’s kavanah (concentration during prayer) should not come at the expense of others’. Just because a mother can tune out her children during davening doesn’t mean everyone can.

On Yom Kippur, I mentioned to a friend that her two-year-old had pushed down a child in the aisle. The other child went to his mother to be picked up, without crying, so my friend hadn’t noticed. This happens. But if parents can’t keep an eye on children who wander, the children may be better off at home.

Reports from other communities:

• A dispute over noisy children in Raanana Rambling’s shul led to hurt feelings.
• I heard about mothers in Beit Shemesh (not Ramat Beit Shemesh) who fail to reprimand their children in shul because they are observing a “taanit dibbur” on Yom Kippur. During a taanit dibbur one may not speak except to pray.
• One community’s email discussion on the subject of children in shul pitted old-timers against newcomers. The community hopes to attract young couples, but rigidity about this issue could deter them.

And grant me a moment to kvetch about other annoying things that people do in shul:

My son noticed a family who gave the 5-year-old son snacks to keep him in shul for the davening. After finishing the snack, the child was allowed to go out to play. I don’t believe that kids should eat in shul, especially on Yom Kippur, but I’d be happy for that to be the worst thing to happen.

I don’t understand why a child who just finished seudah hamafseket (the final meal before the fast) needs a bag of Bamba the minute she gets to Kol Nidrei. In this case the child went outside to eat. Was junk food invented as a way to keep kids quiet? (Don’t answer that.)

And one last, cranky complaint: The shul was freezing, so people opened the windows. This wastes electricity and makes the shul even colder, because the air-conditioner must work harder to maintain the pre-set temperature of the thermostat.

So how were things in your shul this year?

Tweet This Post

In honor of my 4-year-old starting gan in a few weeks (we did have an informal two-child playgroup, technically a misgeret I suppose), I share my answers to the suppositions of nosy and rude advice-givers. They don’t deserve a reply. But at times we must address concerns of family members, or, more likely, we ourselves need the reassurance.

• “The child needs to get used to being in gan for half the day.” Or, “She will be behind academically.” When I mentioned to one mother that our three-year-olds would be in gan together the following year, she asked how I could send her when she hadn’t been in gan at age two. According to this theory, children need a year in a misgeret to prepare for the next misgeret.
• [This one is for late talkers.] “Gan will help him learn to talk.” This is just wrong. Children in gan generally spend little time talking one-on-one to an adult. And the less the child communicates through speech, the less verbal attention he is likely to get from teachers. Children develop speaking skills at vastly different ages and unless you have reason to suspect a problem, it’s safe to let them develop at their own pace. Gan will not make a huge difference either way.
• [For olim] “The child needs to learn Hebrew.” Gan-aged, immigrant children still have plenty of time to become fully bilingual. But language is a balance. If your child spends most of her day in a Hebrew-speaking environment, her English vocabulary will be smaller. And vice versa. You can teach him Hebrew yourself, or make playdates with Hebrew-speaking children, to ease the transition. But immigrants to all countries have survived the experience; emotional maturity is more important than language. [My daughter is concerned about this despite more than adequate Hebrew skills.]
• “He needs to play with children his own age.” I question this assumption “milechat’hilah.” The younger the child, the less equipped to compete with others for the attention of adults. Since making aliyah the age of starting group care has lowered, while time spent in care increased. Children learn social skills mainly from their parents, and they can play with other children while parents are present. If all neighborhood children are in gan, they can meet in the afternoon or on weekends. They don’t need thirty hours a week away from parents to learn cooperative play. Unfortunately, preschool for fewer hours is unheard of in Israel. (Let me qualify that–I heard of a gan run by the city of Tel Aviv where you can leave a child on a drop-off basis.)
• “Immigrant children need to develop a tough, Israeli exterior.” (I mentioned this here.) Okay, but at what cost? I read of a doctoral student who spent months observing three-year-olds in an Israeli gan. She reported of a complex social structure that included children bringing treats to appease bullies. The children’s teachers remained unaware. When put into such an environment children may learn healthy ways of defending themselves. Others become aggressive, or conversely, withdrawn.
• “Aren’t you bored?” Mothers are supposed to be doing adult activities, not playing games all day with their children. (See my next point.)
• “Do you sit with her?” I get this all the time; they are asking whether I use worksheets or teach letters and numbers. (I visited a highly-recommended gan where three-year-olds did worksheets each day.) The short answer is no; I enjoy a loose daily structure. We read, play, color, go to the park, run errands, do chores, and meet other mothers and children. The children who are interested pick up letters, numbers and even reading. They play by themselves a good deal of the time while I do “adult” things. In turn, I expect frequent interruptions.
• “Your child is too shy/aggressive/wild/attached to you/disobedient/spoiled/slow/bossy. It’s because you don’t send him to gan.” Every child develops different and has personality problems challenges, even the ones who attend gan. Who doesn’t? But if you keep your child home, you will be blamed for those issues.

Over a million American children are being homeschooled for elementary and/or high school. Surely that puts keeping a two-, three-, or four-year-old at home for another year in perspective.

(I wish I didn’t need to add this caveat: I am not trying to convince parents to keep their kids out of gan, or quit their jobs. I do wish to support parents struggling with this issue.)

Tweet This Post

“Training” my children to do things before they were developmentally ready wasted time and emotional energy. How I regret those power struggles.

Eventually I realized that there were many things I didn’t need to teach my children. I could trust them to meet certain milestones without incentives, threats, or persuasion. These milestones included:

• Sleeping through the night.
• Learning to use the bathroom i.e. toilet train
• Weaning from breastfeeding.
• Getting onto a “schedule” for meals and naps. Babies generally fall into a routine after a few weeks or months.
• Eating enough to grow and thrive, if offered a variety of nutritional food, a fork and a spoon.
• Separating from me without a fuss.
• Dressing themselves.

I believe that my job is to provide a secure emotional base and a reasonable level of encouragement. I had faith (at least in those areas) that my children’s inborn mechanisms and a natural desire to mature would kick in eventually. Unfortunately, in our culture, this isn’t simple. Dozens of instruction books help parents train children to do what they would eventually do anyway. It’s so frustrating to find out that your child is abnormal; i.e. he is not doing what the books say he should be doing. Until you realize that the problem is the book, not the child.

Not all babies sleep through the night at six weeks, or six months. And it’s normal for children to nurse for a few years; both the Talmud and the World Health Organization consider two years a minimum. Kids will sleep all night by the time they are bar or bat mitzvah. And (hopefully) when it’s time for them to get married, no one will ask when they got out of diapers.

Yes, there are exceptions. Sometimes a child who develops later than average needs an evaluation. Sometimes we have to speed things along, like when we wean a child from diapers in preparation for preschool, or leave a baby with a sitter. But most children will do what they need to do if we take for granted that they can.

I’ve listed some behaviors that I don’t believe parents need to worry much about. The question that interests me now, and which I hope to explore in a future post, is what *do* we need to actively teach our children?

Tweet This Post

Still, I am materialistic enough to appreciate a new toy now and then. A few weeks ago I agreed to write a product review for Mom Central (they are the ones who sent me Crawling–if you like freebies go over there and sign up). The toy manufacturer, Cranium (pretentious I know), makes educational games and puzzles for the preschool set. I had just about given up on our package (it sat in Israeli customs office for two weeks) when we got the notice from the post office. My little girl was so excited she carried the 3lb box most of the way home. And we weren’t even charged customs tax.

“Let’s Go to the Zoo: Seek and Find Puzzle” turned out to meet my criteria for a good game.

1. No obnoxious pictures. The animals and people pictured were pleasant and colorful, and dressed in standards appropriate for your average Jewish family.
2. No characters (i.e. Disney) that are actually marketing ploys. At least I didn’t recognize any.
3. Excellent quality. The 24 cardboard pieces are thick and fit easily together. The box is also sturdy–important if you want a game to last a long time–and the pieces fit easily inside.
4. It works on different levels. Kids can make the puzzle, find objects, color, or practice letters and numbers.
5. More than one child can play at a time.
6. It completely engrossed my children, aged nearly 4 and 6.5, for well over an hour. Occasionally they needed help finding some of the objects.
7. Once they are familiar with the puzzle, the seek-and-find aspect will no longer challenge them, but they can still do the puzzle. Afterward we will pass it on to another family; it should last years.

The instructions come with two spiral pads.The easy level asks the child to find colors and animals, while the advanced level incorporates letters and numbers (find something starting with Z, find 5 penguins). The child circles the objects with the erasable marker, included. The instructions suggest other ideas like finding shapes, drawing on the puzzle, making animal sounds, or bringing the spiral pad to the real-life zoo.

We don’t own many puzzles because most don’t meet the first three criteria above, and they take up too much space in proportion to frequency of use. I imagine this toy is expensive and while I wouldn’t have bought it for ourselves, I would consider it if I needed a special gift.

We received another Cranium toy called, “Let’s Play Count and Cook Game.” To my daughter’s great disappointment, we are saving it for her fourth birthday next week.

Tweet This Post

This morning she explained, “That way is a faster way to close my eyes.”

Tweet This Post