Comments on: Do Children Need (External) Rewards?

By: Yosefa

Yosefa — Fri, 06 Jul 2012 11:34:12 +0000

Since when does one have to get out of bed to enjoy a milkshake?
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By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 02 Jul 2012 21:10:30 +0000

I think rewards are fine and good motivation for young children and adults alike. I get paid for going to work, we all work hard during the week and are rewarded with a day of rest, and children sometimes need a liitle bit of reinforcement to help them to complete tasks. I had a system at my house for reading; if my kids practiced with me 5 times, they got a little prize. One time it was a puzzle, another time a mini flashlight. Now that reading is getting easier, they don’t need the reward anymore and enjoying books has become satisfying and they are proud of themselves when they can read on their.
It’s a perfectly good idea to use an external motivator when it’s needed and then fade it out after a few weeks when the challenge has been met.

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By: Allan Katz

Allan Katz — Tue, 26 Jun 2012 12:42:51 +0000

http://www.alfiekohn.org/teaching/pbracwak.htm
We want kids to be intrinisically motivated – schar mitzvah is the mitzvah itself and the biggest punishment is doing the aveirah . Plenty of research showing that rewards and even non-verbal rewards like praise undermine intrinsic motivation and reward. when rewards are self determined – kids chooses a reward to help him meet a goal , we don’t have the control element
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By: Vered

Vered — Mon, 18 Jun 2012 09:37:04 +0000

Thank you so much for all those who have replied to my question. I feel much happier now when I think they don’t leave all their stuff lying about because they disrespect me, but because they’re too young to feel responsible about it yet. It sounds silly but sometimes it really helps to have more experienced mums give you a little hint. Thanks!

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By: TC

TC — Sun, 17 Jun 2012 09:17:47 +0000

My 12 year old was having trouble getting up on time in the morning. He has a hasaah which he was missing more and more frequently. I stopped giving him a ride to school when he missed the hasaah – he took the bus. Then he asked me one day if I would give him 10 shekels at the end of the week if he caught his hasaah every morning on time that week. I was dubious – I was convinced he go on asking me for 10 NIS every week, but he insisted that the incentive would help him get started, and then he’d already be used to getting up on time. So I agreed. He got his 10 shekels at the end of the week, and now it’s been 5 or 6 weeks and he still hasn’t missed his school bus once. He knew that the reward would help him and he was right, and I’m glad I went along with it.
I sometimes reward myself – say on Friday morning, if I make the challa, fold the laundry and clean the bathrooms then I can sit down with a coffee and read for 20 mins!! If we enjoy it as adults, why shouldn’t my kids enjoy a material reward every now and then!

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By: toby

toby — Sat, 16 Jun 2012 20:55:01 +0000

Fantastic article – I agree with every word!
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By: Beth

Beth — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 23:19:16 +0000

Vered, I think you are doing a good job. All you have to do is ask and it gets done!
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By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 16:21:09 +0000

Vered, don’t worry. Your children are perfectly normal. Mine are 13 and 15 and they still need reminding. I get in from work and most days their dirty lunch dishes and school lunch boxes are still around (not true – the lunch boxes are normally still in their bags!). So I have to remind them.

I got fed up of all their things left in the lounge – there’s now a plastic basket under the sofa. I put all their things there. It only takes me a second, the room is tidy and they have to search for their stuff. Every so often, when the basket is full, I tell them they have one day to empty it completely. What’s left at the end of the deadline I throw away.

I basically work on not nagging them (don’t have the energy) but I do demand every so often that they do things. They each have chores and those also have deadlines. If they pass those, they don’t get TV, computer etc till they’ve done their chores. It’s not a punishment (and nobody treats it as such), more a reminder that some things have to be done, others don’t.

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By: Ilana

Ilana — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:59:13 +0000

I should add that this is the same son who when he was young would fall on the floor as though he were poisoned when it was his turn to set the table. And he hid some of the (family’s clean) laundry he was supposed to fold so that he would have less to fold. They do mature!

I told my 17yo daughter about this, and she also thought you’re doing great. She also pointed out that most responsible adults were much less responsible and pitching-in when they were 11. Certainly true for me!

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By: Shira

Shira — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 15:04:19 +0000

Hi! ,
Its really amazing how good the Jewish People are! I’m a BT(Baal Teshuva) and every day I see more and more new beauty in being ‘frum’! I was learning with a kid from a broken home and was shocked to hear that the parents although divorced, still have a good(or satisfactory) relationship! They always tell their children good things about the other spouse to enhance harmony in an otherwise sad situation, and because they want the kids to repeat a good word back to the other spouse. I’m a relative newlywed, and its a bit hard when you don’t know the ropes. I learned about the shalom bayis hotline(732-5231112) which provides free chizuk and positive tools to help people who are struggling. I always meet new rabbis from your publications and its really inspiring. You guys are great and keep up the great work!
-Shira Zuretsky

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