In response to the previous post, I received the following by email:

For this guy to find the right girl, he’s going to have to leave the “we tell all to the parents” scene.

I am married to a man with bipolar disorder. He told me that he had the disorder after our third date, when there was already a connection forming, but still the opportunity for me to back out of the relationship.

Personally, for a number of reasons, I chose to continue dating. I should point out: 1. This was a match suggested by a mutual friend, not a shadchan (b/c we were a bit older, we had both had bad experiences in the shidduch scene and were willing to look outside of that scene) and 2. I suffer from depression myself.

Because of the combination of factors, we opted to date a little longer and more “intensely” than people in charedi circles usually do.

Before we got engaged, we each dragged the other through a Shabbat with friends/family to make sure that there was some objectivity. (It was quite uncomfortable being each others’ “friend” and not chatan/kallah, but we felt it was absolutely essential to have the experience before we made a decision.) We also listened carefully to opinions of people we trusted to look out for us. Before we got engaged, we spent several full days together, and many many many hours on the phone.

We talked at length about our own issues and how they affect us, and we made the decision that this can work, and it does.

Does his bipolar affect our marriage? Absolutely, as does my depression. We’ve both been in therapy, and we both are currently in contact with an excellent psychiatrist who knows both of us as individuals and understands how the two sets of problems work together.

The amazing thing is that with our mutual issues, we are able to help each other in ways that other people -even close friends and family- are unable to help us. For both of us, the other’s problem is sometimes just as much of an asset as it is a liability.

PS. My husband’s answer to the whole thing is: “I asked a rav a shaila and he said that I should tell it on the third or fourth date.”

This makes me wonder about whether the parents in the letter to Rebbetzin Jungreis have consulted with their son’s psychiatrist. It seems to me that s/he would be in the best position to tell them, and the potential partner, about the possible progression of the illness and how it might affect the marriage.

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