This is the seventh part of a series on dating and marriage in the religious Zionist community in Israel.
I: Dating Readiness, II: Meeting the One, III: Genetic Testing, IV: Dating Venues, V: Shidduch Crisis?, VI: Internet Dating, VIII: Wedding Costs, IX: Planning Tips
Today we leave the topic of dating and move on to the engagement.
One of the first decisions an engaged couple and their parents will make is how to reward the shadchan (matchmaker).
In the haredi world, each side pays $1000 to the shadchan. But in the religious Zionist community, where most matches are made through friends or teachers, money rarely changes hands. Few charge for their services.
Apparently, some years ago Rabbi Eliyahu recommended that every institution assign a shadchan to look out for its students. Isramom’s son’s yeshiva gave the job to one of the student’s wives. When Isramom’s son received NIS 1000 for suggesting a girl he had dated to a fellow student, the shadchanit joked, “All I ever get are sets of glasses and vases.”
In a community where marriage is valued so highly, yet with few opportunities for young people to meet, is it reasonable this yeshiva student’s wife to receive less than the value of an average wedding present for making a shidduch?
Shadchanim have to inquire about the young people and encourage them to date. They may be working with the parents, too. Just reaching everyone on the phone can take a dozen attempts. And young people are resistant to formal matchmaking, so it’s common for the shadchan to find a friend to make the suggestion.
Rabbi Shlomo Aviner has written that each side should pay the shadchan, whether professional or not, NIS 5000. This may not be such a large sum, especially when put into the context of wedding costs. While people have been cutting extras in menus and decorations, 300-400 guests is still the norm. Everyone has to set priorities in their wedding budgets, but 300 guests is not a bare-bones affair. If people are still making such large weddings, perhaps the effort of the person who brought the couple together is worth more than the cost of a wedding meal or two.
Rabbi Aviner, who has been attacked for his position, argues that a shadchan is similar to a real estate agent who shows dozens of apartments for free, but earns a hefty commission when a sale is made. If we want singles to meet, we need to do more to encourage shadchanim. And the best encouragement is to pay them well.
There are down sides to paid shadchanut. Disreputable people are more likely to get involved, and put pressure on singles to go on unsuitable dates. Paid shadchanim would have more of an incentive to hide damaging information.
Dear readers, please weigh in. Should informal shadchanim get paid? Or is a set of glasses enough?
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There is no doubt he has to be paid. Shadchan rashei teivot, sheker dover kessef noten. You get what you paid for.
Abe, let me translate: The Hebrew letters spelling out shadchan are the first letters of the words in the phrase, “speaks lies, gives money” (really, is given money).
I don’t think 5000NIS is anywhere near the average wedding present, even in chiloni circles (400- 500 NIS per person is the norm; at religious weddings, like ours, the standard present was 180 or a nice vase! or pots- we got a lot of cheap pots that aren’t even good for pesach). I think as long as shadchanim are going to stay informal in the DL community, it’s going to be hard to get people to cough up actual money for the service.
The shadchan who brought my husband and I together was a family friend of my in laws and a friend of my extended family. I think our parents split the cost of a nice diamond pin for her. It was kind of awkward to give her money because of the connections and she didn’t really need it (she’s quite well off). But she appreciated the pin.
Abbi, I’m saying that the price of the glasses is closer to the price of the wedding gift.
For our first shidduch we insisted we didn’t need anything we got a very “interesting” piece of art! Next shidduch we learned and told the couple our plata blanket was falling apart, so we got a new one. I’m fine with that. What bothers me more is that when my husband does chatan classes (5-7 sessions) no one has ever even given him a gift!
Yael, I assume that most amateur shadchanim don’t mind not getting paid, or they wouldn’t do it. The question is whether there is enough “manpower” when it comes to making shidduchim. Annoying about the chatan classes. Chatan/kallah classes might be a good topic for a post, do most people go privately?
Our shadchan was a mutual friend. We actually asked him if there was anything he would like. When he practically begged us not to get him anything, my chosson wisely suggested we give a nice donation to an organization he was very close with that was in the midst of a Sefer Torah writing project. So we gave what for us was a sizeable donation – maybe a perek or a sedra (I don’t remember exactly). The shadchan was VERY appreciative of the donation made.
Jackie, that’s a nice story.
I doubt that what we did would count as standard… we took our shadchan along on our honeymoon.
Then again, nothing about us is standard…
To clarify, our “honeymoon” was a juggling festival in Ireland, and we were camping on a campsite with hundreds of other people – we paid his airfare so that he could come. I met our shadchan because he was a juggler, so I tried to date him, and he set me up with my husband because my husband is another juggler… We had a very juggling-themed wedding, and it seemed right, all things considered.
Trilcat, yup, that’s pretty unique.
We’re American, and were set up by cousins of mine. We felt uncomfortable giving them money, but wanted to get them something they’d appreciate, and offered them a weekend in the city – hotel, dinner, a show, and we’d babysit their two small children. We figured that young parents probably wanted time to themselves more than anything else. They instead asked if we could pay $500 for them to go to a Shabbaton weekend, which we were happy to do; the kids went to the grandparents, although we were still willing to take them. They loved it, and we were glad to have gotten them something they really wanted.
Gila, that is a nice idea.
My husband and I met at the home of mutual friends. It was not a set up–they actually had different people in mind for each of us–but we got a great story out of it. We’re close to their families as well (we all met in our teens/early 20s), who hosted us for many shabbatot, so the fathers of this young couple were the eidim at our wedding.
Anon: Good story!
I think it depends how much time the shadchan/it put into the shidduch. Sometimes you can just suggest a name and the couple takes off on their own. But sometimes you need to call both sides, talk through issues and really invest a lot of time. I have helped some friends informally on shidduchim (at their request) where I invested lots of time and nothing came of it. On the other hand my daughter met her husband at her job. Would you say the boss was the shadchan? We didn’t have anyone but G-d to thank for the shidduch!
Hi Bonnie!
Well, of course your daughter’s boss shouldn’t get credit. Sometimes there is no shadchan.
But when someone “just suggests a name,” it should count, like with a real estate agent. It’s a matter of knowing the right name to suggest. My son’s first pediatrician complained that doctors don’t get paid extra for diagnosing correctly. With a doctor, you pay whether or not s/he cures you. With a shidduch, the success is what counts, not the time and effort.
I’ve always felt slightly uncomfortable with such large weddings. We only had 110 guests at ours and it still felt large. An average Israeli wedding seems like a huge rally to me!
A difference in expectation can lead to people feeling positively insulted. I posted about someone’s negative reaction to being informed by a relative that she would only set up his daughter if she were paid for it. See http://kallahmagazine.blogspot.com/2009/11/shadchanus-and-family.html
I think it’s considered bad luck not to pay your shadchan, even if it’s only a symbolic gift or donation. My son and his girlfriend made a shidduch recently and the parents insisted on giving them something, just to avoid bad luck. Superstition? Who will take the risk?
Yes, a shadchan should get paid. This is something that is extensively discussed in Halacha, and goes back far enough that you can’t say that it is, or is not, a Chariedi / Chardal / DL / whatever eidah thing.
Regardless of whether or not the shadchan gets paid, parents (or mentors) should always help a couple resist any inappropriate pressure from a shandchan, and all involved should learn a lesson going forward.
Yes, mentors should generally be involved (not making the final decisions!) because having a mentor to work with when making any life altering decision is a good idea at any age. Asei Lecha Rav u’Knei Lecha Chaver is not limited to young people.
My husband and I were set up by the menahelet of my seminary, who my husband was referred to by a friend at his yeshiva who had married someone from my seminary (got that?) It was the most “proper” shidduch I had ever gone on (all other set-ups had been friends, rabbanim, internet, etc). She was VERY involved as a middle person through the entire dating stage and beyond, and we ended up paying her 1000 NIS (of which he contributed the majority). She did not require, or even expect this, and she donated the entire sum to a hachnasat kallah fund. She said in complete earnestness that money was not the reason she did it, and that being the conduit for helping bring to fruition what is ultimately all Hashem’s doing, was enough of a reward for her.
When I was still single I set up my former roommate with a guy I had been out with once. After the initial suggestion, I handed it over to a rav, not thinking it appropriate to be involved any further (though as her roommate, I certainly heard much about the process as they were going through it!) I didn’t receive anything beyond sincere hakarat hatov, and it certainly doesn’t bother me!
Although meeting your zivug is unarguably priceless, had I been “required” to pay 5000 NIS for a successful shidduch, at the time I met my husband, I had recently graduated university (with requisite student loan debt), moved to Israel on my own, and was cleaning houses to pay my way through seminary. I would have been out of the running before I started.
I would love to get married again. I was widowed 22 years ago. I am poor and do not have the money to pay anyone anything.
What is someone in my situation to do?
Rivka Esther
Rivka, and Emuna too: My point is that if people are spending so much on weddings, they should also spend on the shadchan. There will always be people who cannot afford necessities, and the community must provide for them in one way or another. But just because some people can’t afford to pay a shadchan does not mean that shadchanim should always be volunteers. Just like a commenter mentioned an entertainer who sings at weddings of the poor.
And Rivka, I wish you much hatzlacha in finding the right one.
Shalom everyone and especially those seeking their Basherts,
It is imperative we do something about this catastrophe of people in mass quantity are not finding their Basherts. So many are alone and praying. G-d wants us to act in many ways of course by letting as many people as possible to know we are search, dating sites, shidduchs, but because of the size and severity of this issue we must do something much more. I am developing and planning on building a huge database from all around the world for Jews to find their Basherts. This is not a dating site but for finding our soulmates. It will ask pages of questions, some very private, some very personal about everything that matters about a person with the intent of a high match rate and longevity for life such that divorce rate should be 10% instead of 50% or more.
We need help on a volunteer basis initially until profitability then with pay and bonuses: programmers, Software designers, Graphic Artist, Psychologists, psychotherapists, Psychiatrists, Staticans, Writers, Publicists, Marketing experts, etc.
Initially I have set-up http://www.Eshidduch.info
It is essential to find donors and Philanthropists who can back this very important project.
Thank you and G-d Bless!
MMSS